As early as my childhood, I felt that I was different from others but never understood how until the age of puberty. Even then, it wasn’t crystal clear in my mind or fully formed as a real feeling. Certainly, by puberty, I had begun having certain desires that pulled me in a direction of my femininity and wasn’t something I felt I should resist, as it made me feel good about myself.
I used to see my fragility as a lack of confidence; it seemed the most likely and obvious reason but is no longer an issue in my life now. Over the past year, I have learned more about myself, allowing me to look back at my life and understand events, my life in general in a clearer manner. Doing so with detachment and honesty and with a better-informed perspective of what was really happening.
The mornings have become quite an unusual and surprising time for me. I awake as if I have been studying, reading, or have been taught something, or made to understand something so unrelated to the previous day or week of my life, but so profound and relevant that I find myself writing to express the experience, whatever it may be. I have my beliefs and theories of why that is. I wish to focus on what is in my mind from my waking hours and drives me to sit typing so early in the day before anything else.
I understand that I have always been quite a sensitive person and easily hurt by the slightest hint of attack or negative action from another. By that, I don’t mean an act of violence, but in experiences where I sense an edginess, intended or not. It affected me, and in turn, had translated that into my lack of confidence, as I had no other explanation for those feelings. How would you know if you’re more sensitive than others if you didn’t discuss it with anyone else? We can too easily believe that everyone is the same, and why not, it makes sense to give it consideration, doesn’t it? The harsh reality of my life is that I genuinely did suffer from a lack of self-confidence until fairly late in life and thereby confused this aspect of my life even more. I feel this was an extra complication to my already secretive life that was compounded by the suppression of my true self.
Among the many parts of my learning and knowledge to which I have dipped into over the last year, Numerology was one. Having read about this topic before, it came back into my life like many of my thoughts arriving from out of nowhere. As a result, I purchased a book after doing some research. It reminded me of the power of numbers and how they have a special meaning. The way in which they relate to so much of what surrounds our history and our lives, in ways that are fascinating and can expand our thinking. I enjoyed rediscovering it and made the necessary calculations and notes to use the information provided in the book.
I found that I had three of the number 2, and in their placement, within my personal grid, it indicated that I am highly sensitive, possibly even hyper-sensitive! That hit me – like chalk squeaking on a blackboard. A sharp and grating reminder of my true and deep inner feelings that have been with me all my life.
I had acknowledged the detail at the time, but it soon drifted into the background of my thinking until that moment. I was aware of a thought from the day before regarding my sensitivity. A first in quite some time; no more than a reflection to appear for an unknown reason into my thoughts. So, in many ways, it’s no surprise to find myself writing this morning on the very subject, but with an inherent outcome and not just some waffling.
What resides in my mind is a conclusion that makes sense to me, allowing me to understand myself much better. To become aware of and able to make use of this sensitivity instead of suppressing it in the background of my mind, thus rendering it useless to me. It has nothing to do with my self-confidence. It is simply about my ability to sense the slightest shift in things around me and my awareness of minor details that can affect me, especially if they continue to be ignored. Not all of them are of great importance, and I need to filter them, just as we can filter out the sound of a ticking clock in a quiet room. I am aware of this. I can fine-tune it from now on.
It gives me cause to wonder at what other natural things I might have shut away in a similar way, not realising that they are also my natural abilities. Abilities not encouraged or understood by my parents or anyone else including myself. I am on alert now for other signs of them, or then again maybe, I will awake in the near future with another idea that mysteriously arrives during my sleep, to present me with another article to deliver?
More Articles by SophieFR
- Socially Induced Dysphoria
- A part of Me Lives here
- Electrolysis – The long journey
- Swimming against the Tide
- A life of infinite possibilities