50th!

50th, but 50th what? It certainly isn’t a birthday! I’m way past that. I’ll be 68 this November.

To attach some context, as of today I have been on estrogen for one year. I’ve also luckily been able to stay married to my wife of 43 years. The 50th I speak of is my high school reunion. It occurred this past weekend, two states and many cities away from where I now live.

Because I like to golf and we golfed 10 years ago at my reunion, (me fully male,) I volunteered to help arrange this year’s round. Prior to, or contemporaneous to, volunteering, I reestablished contact with one of the first friends I had in high school. At our 40th reunion, I learned he was gay. I also discovered he worked as a counselor, and so I thought, what better person to reestablish a friendship with than a gay counselor? He was more than willing to reestablish the friendship and offer advice related to my transition.

En Femme Style

We even decided that he would take me as his date to the reunion! I had the thought that everyone, or at least some of our classmates, would wonder if he went straight, as I was hoping they wouldn’t recognize me. My friend asked me if I knew how not to be the lead when dancing, as a girl. I would have to learn, and I did. I got in my practice at two civil war dance reenactments, something I’ve recently started doing (I’ll try downloading a picture). The first time I inadvertently but spontaneously took up the male positions. Being a quick learner, I easily took the female role the second time. The only time I led was when I taught a young Union soldier how to dance the waltz.

Well, reunion time was nearing and only a few of my classmates knew about me. I had relied upon my reunited friend for guidance on whom it would be safe to tell. I got word from his sister that he had suddenly died. Being human and a doctor, I knew how death can take us from this world at any moment, so excuse me if this sounds odd, but I accepted it, with little distress as we had reestablished this connection after 50 years.

One of our activities at the reunion was bowling, which he had the responsibility of setting up. We dedicated the event to him and sent helium balloons to the heavens, even one with a happy face in his honor. I came up with a new idea. The girls at my Catholic high school wore uniforms, so I searched Amazon and other sites for similar attire, a tartan green plaid skirt, a white blouse, green cable-knit knee socks, and loafers, even green earrings. “Great plan,” I thought, and being sure to get some glances, I planned to wear it to the homecoming football game. By the time I arrived, the game was half over, and I only ran into three classmates, the ones who knew I was transitioning. The effect I was hoping for certainly didn’t materialize!

To backtrack a bit, I want to share that I wavered whether to surprise or reveal myself prior to the event. The wavering persisted until about a week before. I wasn’t sure which way was best for a nondisruptive revelation. My final decision was to reveal it beforehand. The unfortunate thing was that I only had twelve email addresses. I received four responses, each of which was positive and supportive.

The morning after the football game, I’m walking into the golf event thinking no one knows. It was only a small group of ten, and I was the only girl. I was wearing my green skort and light green golf top, green being one of the school’s colors. I wore bee-dangle earrings and a bit of makeup. No one was derogatory, and they treated me very friendly. I had wondered how teams were going to be picked, wondering if anyone would want me on their team, but we picked cards, teammates being those who had the same face card. Wouldn’t you know, I picked the queen!

Since we only had three to a team, I unfortunately rode alone, but I truly didn’t get the impression it was my teammates being uncomfortable in my presence. I could understand if they were though, as I think it could be a natural tendency. Besides somehow losing my swing and rarely finding it, I shot a 91 from the same tees as all hit from. While playing, we told stories, learned about family, told jokes, and had a good time. Inevitably, we had a conversation about my transitioning, and it was there or later that night I told someone in joking that I thought it was because I had been exposed to too many “girl germs” as a child! We talked about our thoughts about children and their appropriate age or maturity to make a conscious decision about transitioning. Unsurprisingly, we were not in full agreement but listened to each other attentively and calmly.

The evening was heavenly. There were a couple of girls who did not recognize me at all. Mind you, after so long, it is often difficult to recognize individuals even when they don’t transition. I didn’t recognize quite a few classmates and stuck my foot in my mouth at least once. One guy who didn’t recognize me told me I looked beautiful after appearing stunned when I revealed myself. You can’t believe how that made me feel! One girl came up to me after I said hi to her. I could see she didn’t recognize me as she looked quizzically at me, and she then searched out my name tag. We all wore them to help us all out. She looked at it and still gave me a quizzical look. True, my first name had been changed, but it was only a slightly different change in the spelling of my first name, from Jerry to Jeri. She asked as she continued to look at my face, is that your maiden name? I finally told her. I could tell she was astounded, and we continued pleasant conversation for some time until we had to congregate for a class picture.

There were so many more wonderful moments with hugs and embraces, not only from girls but from a couple of guys as well. One more encounter I feel a need to mention. One girl sat down next to me and told me she had been reluctant to come, not coming to the prior reunion because she had gained a lot of weight and was self-conscious. When, through the grapevine…my concern about only twelve email addresses extinguished…she heard the news of me, she had thrown concern of her weight out the window. If I could show up and reveal myself, she realized, what was she really afraid of? I’m very happy, me who realizes there are so many more people out there who are more accepting than you can imagine. She overcame her fear, at least partially due to me, and that made me immensely happy.

Last, I want to tell you I was on an emotional high on my six-hour drive home and throughout the next day!!!!! Life is astounding. Life is revealing. Life can be and is full of love!

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    13 Comments
    1. ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' />
      Cassie Jayson 1 month ago

      Hi, JAKe. I also had my 50th class reunion this summer and I took a similar direction. I live in small town Iowa and my High School is about an hour away from here. My graduating class was 88 people. I detailed my adventure at my reunion in 2 articles on the sister site CDH (Crossdresser Heaven).
      For my reunion we were asked to fill out a questionare and spilled everything even asking them to call me Cassie. I was treated like one of the girls, even being asked to go up to a classmates room with 3 other girls to have a girls gab session.
      This was the best weekend I have had in years

      Best of luck on your journey finding yourself………. Cassie

      • ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' /> Author
        JAKe Hatmacher 1 month ago

        Cassie,
        It’s always good to hear positive experiences and sharing them are important. I do understand some of us girls will not be treated as kindly and that’s a shame.

    2. ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' />
      LadyRougeheart 1 month ago

      That is a beautiful and inspirational story thanks for sharing your experience with us, and I am very happy things went well for you…. May you always be blessed my dear.

      • ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' /> Author
        JAKe Hatmacher 1 month ago

        Thank you for your feeling reply. I hope the remembrance of the event will stand the test of time. I had not been shy even before the event to present my female self and I go forward with confidence. Best to you in your journey, sweetheart.

    3. ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' />
      Dawn J 2 months ago

      I really don’t like to reveal my age because I don’t believe that I look it & certainly don’t feel it, but we’ve been married 44 years & my wife has known about my dysphoria for about 43 of those years. Although we don’t seem as close as we once were, we have a good thing going. As much as I want to be a woman, I’m not going to screw up a good thing. I’m also not going to do that to her– not after she’s invested so many years into this marriage.

      • ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' /> Author
        JAKe Hatmacher 2 months ago

        You know what is right in your situation. I wish you well in your journey in life. It sounds like with your youthful mindset, you may have many years left on this earth.🙂❤

    4. ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' />
      Lauren Mugnaia 2 months ago

      My high school just had a 50th reunion. I let the lady who was organizing it know that I was now a trans woman. The response was interesting, more like the “deer in the headlights” look. She didn’t even remotely understand. I asked a few male friends I’m still in contact with about attending, and, being macho type older guys, their response indicated it would be “just too weird.” So, long story short – I didn’t go.

      • ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' /> Author
        JAKe Hatmacher 2 months ago

        As we are all well aware, every story is different and you’re true life continues on.🙂

      • ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' />
        LadyRougeheart 1 month ago

        I’m sorry that was your experience sending you hugs

    5. ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' />
      Dawn J 2 months ago

      Wow! I would love to do this. I’ve thought about it many times. So you’re transitioning & your wife is staying with you? Wonderful! I’m envious. My wife says she won’t. Anyway, thanks for the inspiration!

      • ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' /> Author
        JAKe Hatmacher 2 months ago

        Dawn,
        I know for each of us our stories will not be the same. I can tell you, each of my moves in this journey was given much thought so as to minimize trauma not only to me but anyone who has been a friend or associated with me, especially my wife. There still may come a time when we decide we can’t go any further as a team. I don’t wish to dwell on that prospect as after forty-three years one gets used to a spouse’s ways, even if you don’t always agree with them. As I wrote in my second novel and as I learned from a dear trans-friend who died last year from COVID, my sexuality is uncertain, but if I do crave either a lesbian relationship or heterosexual relationship in the future, mine and my wife’s paths my need to separate. If that happens I will be happy if she thrives and saddened and guilty if she does not. I just hope I will be able to thrive also. I can tell you, whether lesbian, heterosexual, or asexual, I know I will be cautious. My now retired profession was as an obstetrician and gynecologist and I DO KNOW the repercussions of getting involved sexually and knowing whom to trust there is too much deception in our world. I don’t want to get too morose, but if I were to die before getting to experience the new anatomy sexually, it will not be a loss if I avoided infection and disease because of caution.
        JAKe/Jeri

        • ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' />
          Dawn J 2 months ago

          Thanks for your response, Jeri. I can’t imagine life without my wife. She’s the only roadblock in my path to becoming a woman. She is my whole world and, as I’ve said, as much of a shame that it would be to live my whole life & never experience true womanhood, when I had the power & means to do it, I’d rather be a frustrated man than a lonely woman
          Dawn

          • ' class='avatar avatar-100 photo' height='100' width='100' /> Author
            JAKe Hatmacher 2 months ago

            Dawn,
            I feel you. My soul craves friendships and conversation. I’ve attempted to keep away from confrontation regarding what I’m doing with my wife. I decided many moons ago now that I would introduce things slowly and hopefully not stun her. As I mentioned, we’ve been married for 43 years and a lot of caring for each other is entwined in that. I don’t know if there will be a time to go our separate ways. I’ve learned to be patient and leave myself open to life, attempting to maintain old friendships and make new ones and see where and what opportunities that brings to me. Bottom line is, I’m not going to rush anything, but I will play out my hand as it’s dealt to me using my brains as to what to discard and which cards to play.
            I would enjoy continuing conversation with you.
            Jeri/JAKe

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