Where to start…

Thinking back over my life, I remember a strange attraction to girly things as early as age four. I would go to family gatherings, wishing my hair was long so I could wear pretty hair ribbons and barrettes. I wanted to wear a pretty dress and cute shoes. My mom made her own clothes. She would comment to her friends about how she wished she had a little girl whom she could make clothes for. I always secretly wished that she’d make girl’s clothes for me to wear.

I was attracted to girls sexually, but I also wanted to do and wear what they did. As puberty raised its ugly head, I felt the urges of a young male, but I also started to develop boobs, which was a kick in the pants. I wasn’t a fat kid and I wasn’t skinny either. I felt self-conscious, believing they were huge, and did everything I could to hide them. I hated taking off my shirt to swim or when I played “shirts and skins” basketball with others.

I always kind of knew that my situation wasn’t right. It wasn’t until many years later, and after I was married, that I had a test to find out. It revealed that I had super low testosterone. Gee… a full 38 C chest isn’t normal for a guy…go figure. Because of the low testosterone, my sex drive was low and nearly non-existent. My wife swore that I was either cheating on her or gay. And yet, I still secretly stare at myself in a bra and wonder who or what am I. It affected me physically, as I lost length and volume to my genitalia. One day, when I sat on a metal chair, it felt as if I slid on something. I stood up briefly to look before sitting back down, noticing a squishy feeling when I sat that I hadn’t noticed before. I became all too aware of it from then on; it seemed my behind had added a few layers!

Long hair, makeup, painted nails, dresses, and skirts don’t make you a woman; it’s simply what society views as being female. These are the things that I desire most of the time. I truly believe hormones can sway your feelings and your mood, but is it still possible that you’re supposed to be male but with estrogen being more dominate. You know, if it had given me a feminine voice or a more girly figure, then I might be more accepting. For me, I ended up with what everyone associates most with being female and is also the hardest to hide–boobs!

For those who are thinking take the testosterone, I’ve done that, and it made matters worse. The doctor’s explanation is that my body has a set level of testosterone that it will accept. When there is excess, it converts it into estrogen, in a similar manner as to what happens to a body builder who overuses steroids. As I age, my chest seems to be slowly growing again. I worry about what will happen when male hormones naturally start to drop as it eventually does in aging men.

I feel as if I don’t fit into many of the norms. My mind goes back and forth with male and female thoughts. I don’t just think “Oh my, that’s a cute bikini; I want to be a girl now. It’s more the issue of what the lack of testosterone has done to me, and how it’s impacted my body and mind. If I had started looking and feeling like a girl, then I wouldn’t have any reason to doubt what I am. These strange feelings and urges, and how I might look good in that bikini wouldn’t be happening. There are no ready answers on what to do, or how to be normal or right. This feeling of being caught in the middle of two worlds is killing me slowly. It’s not like I can just flip a coin and choose one or the other. I’m literally trapped; unsure of what lies down the road and what my outcome will be.

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Amanda XCX

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4 Comments
  1. Lea Henderson 2 weeks ago

    Well Amanda, I read your story and the comments left by others. I think Chloe summarized it best with / for you and the rest of us. One big Family of mutual understanding and appreciation of each other and our experiences…. Ongoing. I’ve gone through a few workups now and have now been identified as bigender… Starting female hormones… In a month or so in the meantime, my mail package has gotten smaller well my boobs keep getting bigger… Well I’m not going to complain about either one of those! So I enjoy being gender-fluid going between male and female and mixing them both together. With my being part indigenous it’s within our cultures that we have multiple beans / humans of male, female and everything in between. This combined with my culturehelps me to see people for who they really are. It also helps me to connect with others… So I take it as a blessing. Hugs to you, you’re not alone here.

  2. Genne Mikel 2 weeks ago

    I cant say much more than to tell you I am sorry for your situation. I have a freakishly large forehead and bent nose, oversize lower jaw which I am ashamed of, but I wear sixties retro glasses and a broad rimmed black hat that seem to help. I also am blessed with the I don’t give a damn attitude when it comes to society when it comes to how I look, since I am also heavily Victorian gothic. I get compliments all the time oddly enough.

  3. MsLunaMarie 3 weeks ago

    Dear Amanda,

    Don’t feel alone. It sounds like you have gynoclimastia, as I and many aging men do. Due to my age my doctor calls it “Senior Gynoclimastia” better known as “Old Man Tits.” We have the low T that cannot be recovered issue, too.

    Unfortunately, I have a C cup on the right and a B on the left. Like you in my masculine circle of influence I do my best to hide them, but then show them off when escaping into my femme persona.

    Take at least a little comfort in knowing you are far from alone in your identity challenges.

    Our prayers are with you,
    Ms Luna Marie

  4. Cloe (CC) Webb 3 weeks ago

    Amanda, words cannot completely convey how moved I was by your article. While I may be sure of my journeys goal now, I did have periods of doubt and dismay. The dysphoria it brought must pale in comparison, but does help me to understand to some extent. I know many of us who have found their own happy balance in being gender fluid and other identities, but clearly this is not your story. All I can say is that we are your sisters, brothers and others and are happy to call you family.

    Great big HUGS, Cloe

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