About five years ago I made a life-changing decision that was going to create ripples that would continue through my daily life for some years to follow. I could never have foreseen what I was going to experience or feel as a result of that choice, but have grown to understand what I brought into my life from that point in time.
I openly express that I was born on the cusp of Scorpio and Sagittarius, but from more astrological sources and by looking at my birth chart I am a Scorpio. However, I do believe that I have certain traits of a Sagittarius, especially as both my parent were born under that sign. In astrological terms, Scorpios are often regarded as some of the most sexual and sensual beings. We are very deep and reflective individuals, set high standards of ourselves and expect similar from others. I don’t wish to get too lost in these attributes of Scorpio astrology here and resist writing more.
I have never written anything on my astrological self in any way or about sexual desires or preferences, and it strikes me as slightly odd writing this now. But, I can explain that it feels so relevant to do this, and something that I must acknowledge and write about. Perhaps more of my own personal writing therapy? For whatever reason is not the point, the point is that this morning I came to an understanding of a part of my life that I had not felt a need to be resolved, or that there was any emotional issue attached to it. How wrong we can be in our thoughts and perceptions on occasion?
This enters into a sensitive area and one that some see as a Taboo, not to be discussed openly by themselves or others. I was one of those people for much of my life, mainly because of the deep-rooted issues that remained unresolved within me and for so many years. It also comes to the surface because of the stage I am at now, expecting notification of a date for surgery. Yes, this is about SRS, sexual reassignment surgery and all that it involves, but with a focus on What life I will have after the procedure?
While doing some research into various things to support my writing and learning, I found myself looking at an article discussing sexual functionality and sensitivity from the life of a woman who had gone through the surgery herself. She describes the relearning about her own body, the experiences and issues in relationships and the need for a connection with another to have a good sexual experience. Not having casual sex.
It did draw me further into the article with a discussion on the ability to have a full sexual experience and reach orgasm after surgery. This is an aspect that I have been a little unclear about but hoped that the level of knowledge and skills in this field where refined enough, that not only do they create a vagina that looks natural, it actually allows a high degree of functionality, much more than being able to have a pee. I found this first-hand description very empowering but had not known how it would change my perception of my future self.
Since my younger days and throughout my life, I enjoyed having a sexual relationship as one would hope to expect, able to invite it into my private life. As a result, I have two beautiful children and calling them children when the youngest is 31 feels inappropriate now. When my last relationship fell apart in 2012, the last thing I was interested in was a relationship let alone a sexual relationship. My emotions had been thrown against the wall and in a mess, intermingling and sitting on a splatter of my life that covered a greater area! The breakup here in France was traumatic and took a few years to fully recover from, but it changed my life to allow me to live my life with and in truth.
So, here I am now, some nine years later living the happiest life I’ve ever had. So much so, that if I were to sit and focus on what I have now it could bring me to tears – of joy! Hidden among all this has been something lurking in my mind, an uncertainty, a doubt or was it something else? I knew I needed to live my truth in the only way that I could see as it being a reality, allowing me to reach where I am now. I have only had relationships with women that led to a sexual liaison, and this sat in my mind at an early stage of my change of direction. At that time it wasn’t really a consideration as I could not perceive myself in another relationship so soon, I hadn’t managed to overcome the previous one. The thought of a sexual encounter rarely came into my mind and if it did it never lasted.
As a Scorpio, I have been aware of my interest in sex, and in a good way. The zest of youth can drive us to be adventurous and take chances, whereas age brings with it knowledge and understanding that calmed down that side of me. But in a suppressed way, as I have explained in previous articles. I knew that my thoughts of a relationship were on hold since living alone and subsequently so was a sexual relationship. That state of mind continued for a total of nine years.
I began to realign my life by self-medicating, which is never approved and always discouraged by doctors, however, I began taking an organic plant root in powdered encapsulated form for over four years. Until last December, when I was finally able to be approved and qualify for medically supervised hormone gel treatment. Can you imagine the rush I got from that moment when I heard the doctor tell me ‘out of the blue’ that long-awaited news? Minutes after informing me, she took my blood pressure and wondered why it was a little high!
That moment of learning that I was really getting the correct treatment was so powerful for me, that I wondered if it had a placebo effect in addition to, and since using the gel. I am on a fairly low dose of the gel; the last blood test showed a high level of estrogen which invoked a request that I reduce the application by half. I may only be five months away from surgery and my mind is moving into new thinking as a result of the medications I’ve taken for over four years and why I am writing this. Perhaps an epiphany moment!
The other morning about 7 am, I was looking up at the ceiling while still in my bed, when a feeling of sexual desire rose up in my body, entering my awareness. It wasn’t unpleasant in any way but it had nowhere to go; it was that reality that got my attention, it made me feel so upset that I shed a few tears of despair. I had often wondered, if or when I get surgery, would I know if I wanted to be with a woman, man or anyone? I had previously not had feelings of preference or even a desire, and so the whole idea became invalid and without conclusion and forgotten once again, until that morning!
On that morning and at that moment, two things entered my mind like powerful waves, I had reached a point of realisation and self-awareness that was also quite emotional. I hadn’t felt a sexual need for so long that it was a very emotional experience, especially given the lack of possibility. Swiftly after, I had felt the impact of what I desired, to be in my life, creating a major shift in my whole being, psychologically, physically and spiritually.
I knew without a doubt that I would not seek to be with a woman. It felt right to desire a man as my future companion, or partner in life, and by invitation. I am stuck with my physical form for now, but with great hope and resolution on the horizon, I now long for this to happen. Is that a result of the chemical changes and balance within me, or because of how I have lived over the past four years? If I wish for another to perceive me as a woman, that can only happen if I truly believe I am that woman. That is exactly how I feel, I can only conclude that I am on the right path and it is only a matter of time.
I am open-minded about how a relationship could work, as my life is my own and the thoughts of sharing it with someone will come with changes. Changes that I may not find easy.
But when do changes feel so natural?
HAHA! When we fall in love.
This has been the most revealing and emotional piece that I have ever written about myself, which allows me to know exactly where I am in my life’s journey. I share this with my love to you all, in the hope that you may find this of value and help.
More Articles by SophieFR
- Trust in What You Know in Your Heart
- Socially Induced Dysphoria
- A part of Me Lives here
- Electrolysis – The long journey
- Swimming against the Tide