I experienced probably the most important epiphany in my life a few nights back. I’d spent all day running around on a hot, 90+ degree day, running errands, and checking in on a couple of sick friends. When I got home, it was late; I was beat, tired, and hurting.
There is a full-length mirror in my living room, and as I happened to notice myself in the mirror, I saw an old lady in a short leather skirt, a top that had gotten stained, whose hair was an absolute mess, and was obviously tired because she was slumped over instead of in her usual straight, shoulders back posture.
I smiled and then became happy and elated. I could have been the poster girl for swamp witch of the Month. It didn’t matter, because what I saw in the mirror and felt inside was that of a tired old lady, not a poorly dressed, crossdressing dude. I know who and what I am. I am thrilled and secure in my belief in myself. It was the first time in 70 years I’ve ever looked at myself in a mirror and liked of what I saw. The fact that I have a mirror in my house for the first time (ignoring the one that is always in the bathroom) says a lot about my mindset just by its presence.
It has taken me literally decades to get here. I’ve known that I differed from all the other little boys as far back as 1st grade, which was 1959. Thirty-plus years of confusion, along with failed relationships, and another four in therapy, plus four more just doing research on my own has convinced me I didn’t belong in a male body.
I’ve been a gamer most of my life and always prefer to play a female character when I have the choice, which should have told me something had I been paying more attention. I eventually came out to myself and started buying women’s clothes and wearing them at home. After almost a decade, I started getting brave enough to wear women’s jeans and the occasional V-neck “girly” colored t-shirts in public. I spent 45 years in Colorado and moved to Indiana two years ago, coming out completely when I got there.
It’s scary sometimes without the support I would have had from my friends back in Boulder but having served as a vet and been a firefighter for 20 years, I’m used to dealing with scary. It’s being alone that is tough. I am so thankful for groups like ours where I can feel safe.
While I know I still have a long way to go, the simple fact is that I could look at myself in the mirror and love who I saw for the first time ever. It still elates me after all this time!
Elli Snow
Latest posts by Elli Snow (see all)
- An Epiphany - August 13, 2023
Ellie, I have read this several times. And each time I keep coming back with the same one word – power. The power one has when they have that epiphany of who they are, and where they fit withing the grand scheme of life. The sheer power one has once they reach that point is immeasurable. Regardless of any other aspect in one’s life, having that power is something few ever attain. A power to be cherished, and nurtured, and be honored. Hugs, Michelle
Thank you Michelle. I hadn’t really thought of it in the sense of power, but it certainly is. Getting to that point where you have zero doubts about yourself and who you are gives you a sense of power that you are 100% in control of your life, and it also brings peace and contentment. No doubts, no worries, completely accepting those things you cannot change as well as granting the patience necessary to not be troubled by the fact that this is a very long trip I’ve started and I’m not bothered by the fact that it will take… Read more »
At 74 I came out to my wife about a year ago and I am now in a period of arrested transition, hoping to save our 55 year marriage. No dressing, no make up, etc. I do wear lipstick and a little jewelry to my therapists office. But the inner transition continues apace; I look in the mirror at my improving complexion and longer hair, compose myself and see myself as who and what I am. My therapist, a man of very long experience with people like us assures me that once I was out, the psychological and spiritual process… Read more »
Hi Stacia. Congratulations on taking your first steps. I hope you can work things out with your wife and she can accept the changes, and if not that you can still be close friends. The longest relationship I was ever in, my marriage, lasted a little over 3 years and I honestly cannot comprehend being with the same person for 55 years. I very much admire it, but I will never understand it. I agree with your therapist. Not only will the growth continue once you are fully out, but it will accelerate because of both the joy you will… Read more »
Eli, Nice post! I relate totally. I wish we met (maybe we did) in Boulder. I was there ’85 to ’90. Currently I am reading your post at a bar in small-town Central MN by myself … which is common. There are the days I go home and pass a mirror and say to myself…"Jesus what were you thinking going out looking like that?" Then I shrug my shoulders knowing no one pointed me out or said anything (that I heard) and the staff treated me very respectfully. Therefore….a success! I am like many of us where as soon as… Read more »
I moved to Boulder in 1977. spent one winter in Grandby when I worked at Winter Park, and a couple years in Nederland and Longmont before I ended up in Jamestown in 1997, but all the rest was in Boulder. I mostly worked at hi-tech startups during the ’80s, so if you ever hung out at one of the microbrew bars in the nerdy section of town, it’s very likely we may have crossed paths. Regarding your voice issues, I recently talked to a trans female voice coach who told me that how you phrase things and how and where… Read more »
Eli, Strangely similar backgrounds!! I lived near Boulder Brewery but did not really care for their flavors. I had a friend in Longmont and we would drive up to Nederland every now and then just to go to the Assays Office bar and have a couple Paulaner dark lagers and maybe catch a decent musician. I worked at a high tech computer company until I found a job at NIST. I was there for most of my 5 years in Boulder. Prior to that, I was at CU. Within my study groups, I ended up being the proofreader/editor for everyone’s… Read more »
Again, lots of interesting similarities in backgrounds. I was never a fan of the Boulder Brewery products. I liked Lefthand a lot more and I knew 4 or 5 of their first employees. My go-to beer when I can find it is O’Dells 90 Schilling Ale. A bunch of us had a brewer’s guild in Jamestown for about 10 years and we took home 4 medals one year in an international taste testing, one gold, two silver and a bronze. The master brewer in the guild was also Lefthand’s first brewmaster. Did you ever meet a guy named Mark Mihalic… Read more »
Oh my goodness. I felt like I was reading my own story. I especially get the mirror issue. I have hated looking in mirrors for so long. The person I would see was not me. Now, though, when I am in makeup and my favorite outfit, I see whom I have always thought myself to be when I look in the mirror. Thanks for sharing your story.
I used to need to have on a frilly dress or skirt and top to be acceptable to myself, but I still had issues. After lots of time and work on accepting myself, it doesn’t matter any more if I’m in work jeans and shirt and I’ve spent the day cutting weeks or raking up yesterday’s cutting. I can finally look at myself after hours of work in the hot sun, hair a mess and covered in dirt or grass from whacking weeds, and 100% love myself for who and what I am. Full acceptance of myself wasn’t something I… Read more »
Thank you for the wise words sometimes I question why I’m on this road. But I didn’t choose it. It chose me
Thank you for the wise words sometimes I question why am I on this road but I didn’t choose it it chose me
Elli, I love your personal story, because I can so relate. At this point in my life (68) I still cannot present en femme regularly because of life obligations I entered into long ago; long before I understood myself as I do today. I will not violate those vows nor take away from so many the man that need me to be for them. So I silently endure the inner pain. Yet, in the midst of that, which no doubt many of us are so familiar with, I had my own epiphany one day in front of a mirror. I… Read more »
Good morning Charlene and thank you. I agree, it seems we had very similar triggers that finally cemented into place that we are indeed women, in spite of what I consider to be a genetic coding error. Yes, it is such a wonderful feeling when you finally accept that you are living as who you were meant to be. I never aspired to be a runway model or celebrity, and I know that there is no way I could ever completely pass. I sing bass in barbershop quartets and do-wop groups, and my shoulders are about 2 inches wider than… Read more »
Love your story I’m trying to get where you’re at
Thank you. Believe in yourself and never let anyone else’s opinion of you alter your belief. You know who you are better than any one else ever could.
Interesting perspective. There is something oddly satisfying about seeing oneself as a woman, albeit an older woman. I’m so glad that you have reached this point. I had seen glimpses of the woman in me over the years. Early one, I was frightened by her…not because she was hideous, but because I was afraid that if I embraced the young woman in the mirror, I might not be able to let her go. I was afraid of becoming the woman I felt lurking inside me. Now, all these decades later when I see the (much) more mature woman in the… Read more »
It was a lot more than just seeing myself, it was being happy no matter how I look. I know and now accept the fact that I will never really pass. It doesn’t matter that my normal voice is a low baritone to high bass, and no amount of vocal training will ever change that. It doesn’t matter that my should width is 3 to 4 inches wider than the average woman my age. It doesn’t matter that if I had started this journey 40 years ago I would still have a head of hair that rivaled Farrah Fawcett’s in… Read more »