Arousal is something that hasn’t been a part of my life for a number of years. However, I find myself once again, about to write things about what has been a very personal and intimate part of my life. As in my earlier article, A Scorpio in an exclusion zone, my feelings and understanding of a subject little discussed in public or by myself, is about to change right here!
Victoria a member of CDH posted a reply to my article A fragmented self that took back to my conscious thinking and memories to a time when I had found a way to explain what had happened in my life about 20-25 years ago.
I had struggled for many years to try and fathom what it was that drew me back to those same powerful feelings and emotions, to want to dress as a woman, go on to buy a range of clothing, make-up. What I did to pacify my inner and most secret desire to feel what I had discovered a long time ago. Had it become an addiction? Was it a disorder of some kind that I was struck with? I really could not find an answer to resolve the conflict I suffered those years.
Going through this process of constant review I eventually came to an understanding that helped me get some grasp of the chaos I was in with myself. I had spent my life like a swan in many ways, looking cool, calm and great on the surface, but the feet moving rapidly below the surface using all my strength to keep moving, creating a perception for everyone, including myself, that everything was going really fine!
It arrived to me ‘out of the blue’ but made a great deal of sense, allowing me to move on without being anchored in the same way. I had arrived at a concept of what happened, why I had the desire to dress, but more specifically what happened during getting dressed and made-up. The actual transformation of myself was the powerful thing that I was doing. At that moment, I became the person that I so badly wanted and needed to be.
The experience and emotions that it brought to the surface were incredibly powerful from as far back as I can recall. They had been so powerful in me becoming that other person that it triggered many feelings and emotions, excitement, arousal, gratification and a sense of being myself, even if only for a short while. I spent much of my life self employed and often working alone in an office or at home, so it goes without saying that I had sufficient time to explore this area regularly. That could be for a day at a time and to a degree, I enjoyed very much. All the time feeling that I was taking a risk in being discovered, and came very close more than once.
I am sure that it helped me stay sane and carry on my secret life while working long hours generating a good career and income to support my family and myself. That may sound very familiar to many who may be found themselves in a similar position as I was at that time.
The more I became accepting of what I did, I also began to understand what was happening in the act. I had wanted to be a female from a very young age, so when I allowed myself to become that person it caused a surge within me of all kinds of things that I found stimulating in various ways, fulfilling and enjoyable. Why else would I carry on for years repeating the same process?
I believed that the extreme rush that came with the act and sensation of my transformation to be a woman, was so charged that it overwhelmed my sensory system that had previously been denied this experience throughout my life. The result was what may be best describes as a short circuit. My daily lifestyle did not cater for this within the parameters of what I was used to dealing with, it really had blown a fuse, but in the most amazing way. By blowing that fuse, nothing was really in full control, an aspect that left me feeling bad about myself after I had returned to my old self, living again as that man I spent trying to be since a boy.
There were two sides to the emotions that I felt on arriving at the perspective. One was that the short circuit in my brain would create arousal in me to a level that I had to address it in the only way I was able to, and in a secret way. That was the part where I had hurt myself in the process of allowing that to happen. The other side was a clear view of the triggering effect that caused me to have such a range of mixed feelings and emotions. If I was able to remain dressed for a full day or longer, the arousal would not re-emerge until the next time I engaged in the transformation, it would subside and allow me to just enjoy and relax into being myself.
The confusion that I experienced in the early moment of changing the expression of myself, faded away as it wasn’t the real driving force that I acted upon time after time. Shortly after I had this new perspective, I would still feel the arousal but didn’t want to experience the arousal again, I just wanted to be myself. Why couldn’t I just do that without sexual feelings arising? Before long the arousal aspect declined as a result of my awareness and allowed me to enjoy my freedom without being tied to that masculine sexual motivation. I didn’t want to be a man, after all, did I?
That understanding and perspective haven’t changed since that period in my life. Just when you thought this article had come to a natural end, I’m now about to throw in a new take on this part of my life which relates again to my Scorpio Article. My life since has changed, shifted, moved, and realigned, there are so many words that are different but all are valid, and all describe how I feel about the degree of my life changes. Ones that I have been working towards, creating and inviting into my world.
Arousal returned! No, I am not dressing as a man or anything that would be in conflict with my life now. It is simply that I am feeling urges once again, that I haven’t felt for over 10 years! It feels a little strange, especially as I am really not able or wish to act upon that feeling just now, and will explain why that is.
As I am now, the mere thought of fulfilling the desires I have felt fills me with horror. I cannot bear the thought of it, it does not sit with me in any other way than feeling so wrong. I know I have to wait until things have changed through surgery when I will be able to act in a fully physical way, and in alignment with who I am in every other aspect of my life. When I am in harmony as a person I will be complete in myself. Then can and will give myself permission to change that part of my life experience. My hope is that I will find a man with who I can create a loving relationship with, based on knowing and appreciating each other, with a sexual relationship that I trust develops through mutual love. I invite that and consciously create in my thoughts and beliefs daily.
More Articles by SophieFR
- Everything you need to know
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- Trust in What You Know in Your Heart
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- A part of Me Lives here
SophieFR
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Thank You for your thoughts and being able to share them.
Shiloh
Dear Shiloh,
That fact that you took the time and trouble to read my article and then leave a comment is very much appreciated.
My intention is to share what I have lived through and learned on my journey in the hope that it may be of value and help to others.
Love and hugs
Sophie
Thanks for posting this Sophie. I am glad you wrote this. I left this sight for a bit because I was having a bit of arousal myself.. I felt ashamed to be here with what seems everyone is so self assured in their femininity . I so wanted to get a handle on myself (no pun intended ) before I came back .I didn’t want to sound like a poser. But I did come back and this article greeted me and it made me feel happy to know
Thanks again Sophie and hugs to all
Dani
Dear Dani, Firstly, I am happy that you were able to return, I also parted company and came back. Sometimes we have to heal ourselves before we can move forward. Since writing this article, I have been prescribed a monthly injection of a testosterone suppressant that appears to have reduced that feeling and do feel happier in myself now. We can encounter many variables on this life path and each of us will experience them differently. There is a commonality to us that connects us all and as such we can ‘feel’ and understand the struggles and suffering of each… Read more »
Thanks Sophie Its not a race here its a walk over rough terrain at times
Love and hugs
This is a lovely read, well thought out as you examined all the emotions and thoughts connected to your becoming authentically you. It gives me a moment reflect back over the years of my own transition, some 40 years ago, and remember a somewhat similar experience as you shared. Although I knew something was terribly wrong in my life, it was an era where such things as gender dysphoria were not discussed and, instead, relegated to the dark and seedy smutty bookstores as it was considered then to be a vile perversion ….something not suitable to talk about amongst “decent”… Read more »
LilacsandRoses, WOW!!! How do I reply to that? Such a kind and passionate choice of words and language in your reply. Your comment was loaded with a powerful energy and content that almost brought tears to my eyes while reading it. To share your own journey here and was wonderful, your encouragement for me is heartfelt and the impact you may have on others who read that remains unknown. Yet I feel it! Your flow of text above is impressive and makes me wonder if you shouldn’t consider sharing a little of your knowledge and life experience through an article.… Read more »
Thank you so much Sophie for your heartfelt reply. I’ve thought about writing an article but I’m afraid that most would view me as out of touch since I transitioned so long ago and come from a very different generation. I’m not so sure anyone would really be interested to hear my history. I’ve found that even locally where I live acceptance within the trans community is challenging since I completed SRS a long time ago. I encounter other trans girls and try to encourage them while sharing a bit of my own journey and they look at me like… Read more »
This speaks to me. The words you wrote, were as if I wrote them myself. I’m always touched by your writings, but this one really says what I feel.
Dear Kelly, Thank you for your very kind words and for sharing your comment with us all. If I manage to touch another in a way that prompts them to respond as you have, it fills me with a sense of joy to know that the things I write are of value to those who take the time to read my articles. My desire is simply to share what I have experienced, learned and know that has been accumulated over a 68 year period. If only to illustrate that with age comes a sense of understanding and knowing, if we… Read more »
Arousal…what s subject matter! Nothing is as physically, or mentally, arousing as being Haley! A feeling of peace, oneness, washes over me to a point that arousal is imminent. I am going to read through this again today, so much of what you have written here feels so familiar to me❤️
Haley😘
Dear Haley, Thank you for posting your comment and what an interesting one it is! The article comes from my inner self and as such is possibly one of the most intimate and revealing pieces I have ever written. I am not surprised that it can touch another in a deep and meaningful way because of the sentiment that I wrote into it. The calming and sense of oneness are where I am now in my life. If I have managed to convey that to any degree. I find that quite powerful, for myself and anyone who troubles to read… Read more »
Excellent, glad you made the decisions and became, your true self. Hugs and kisses phillysis