At What Point?

At what point does someone say, “I’m ready” or “I never will be.” More importantly, does there even need to be a declaration?

I have been graciously blessed to be part of this community, first as a member on CDH and then on this site, and now as both sites’ Managing Editor. I admit that I am more than a crossdresser and I have no real idea how far I may go. I love the fantastical idea of a magic potion that instantly transforms me into the beautiful alter ego that I envision myself to be. (I think they call it FaceApp… lol.) I’ll save that subject for another editorial…

In the beginning, I was hesitant to join this site. I felt unworthy and worried that I might say the wrong things or come off as being realistically “out of touch” with the true struggles of those who identify as transgendered. I joined because I wanted to learn what my “MORE” feelings meant. I needed to read and learn what the journey could entail — both positive and negative, to learn from those who have gone before, and to help me shuffle the continual anxieties and questions pounding inside my head into a reasonable answer of who I might be or strive to become.

As the Managing Editor, I have the privilege of reading every submission to the article section — I wish we had many more as we need to hear from everyone as they move through their own journeys. There is safety in numbers, and for everyone who shares a piece of their personal story countless others are reading it and finding inspiration and answers to their own questions. I thank each of you that has contributed, and I hope you will continue to do so. I invite all of you to share. Our editors will work with you to help you put your thoughts into articles that you can be proud of.

Towards my feminine side

So… at what point do I personally flip the switch and turn off the vision of either my male or female persona and choose to be one or the other…or is it okay to take the third choice and be a blended combination of both. Mentally, I know that I am continually moving more towards my feminine side. There is so much that I can look back on and see for what it really was and how much I fought and denied that aspect within me. I’m also a believer in responsibility and accountability. I do what I must at my own detriment because choosing otherwise would cost more. I know that I am not living my whole truth… heck, I don’t even share my truth; I live my programed life and seek moments of refuge in the shadows.

I have spent immeasurable hours researching every facet of what I might expect should I take the next steps. I’ve always been somewhat analytical, although creative with words, but I hate psychology with a passion. It might be because that was my older sister’s profession, but I think it has more to do with a knack that I have at seeing the bigger picture — much like writing my novels. I don’t like the grey areas and yet, that’s exactly where I am. It has filled me with anxiety and put stress on my health. I also take care of my two aging parents, one who is in stage 2 of dementia. Time for me…hardly. Please, just give me the magic pill that lets me be my heart’s desire and allow the world to change without knowing to accommodate the real me.

This aversion to psychology is what keeps me from going to see a therapist — I relented this last December and planned out to go…but for some reason my female side relinquished her hold and gave the male me a reprieve. I went nearly 7 months, grew a beard, and then went through some of the worst health issues I’d ever had and with which I am currently still recovering from. Maybe subconsciously I knew… she knew that I would need to tackle these in my male world. I avoided having to share my truth… for now; there will come a day. One thing was different; I never felt as if I was trying to be only male, only appearing physically as such.

What am I afraid of?

The list is as large as I wish it to be. What I gain is purely personal, and at my age now I realize that it would hurt some much less, but still hurt them. I’m not at ease in doing so. Those costs, whether imagined or real hold me back. I depend on this maleness to navigate financially. I’m an introvert by nature so I keep only a few close friends. If I were suddenly thrust out into the open it would be different. If I could move to a new area it would be different. If I could… (I can’t or maybe it’s I won’t) because I can’t shake my sense of responsibility and accountability any easier than I can find that magic pill. I’ve been on this slow, one step forward for seven years. After my last relationship I made a commitment to myself, to be more me—whatever that was. I have found more personal happiness than I have ever known by doing so. Acceptance of what I am and forgiving myself for those feelings was an important step in finding that small, inner peace. I don’t hate me anymore.

At what point would I be totally happy being only male — never, female — I don’t know, but dream that I would be totally happy, or being a blend—depends on what that might be. How far do I go, especially coming up on 60 next year. I know the answer… bite the bullet and go seek the help of professionals. The constant and building anxiety isn’t going to go away until I step over the line and test “At What Point.”

More Articles by Sabrina MacTavish

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I've been on this path for nearly 50 years, beginning at age 7 when I wore my grandma's old dresses with my cousins. It felt natural. Later, I went through the fetish stage and fought with my insides. After my divorce 20 years ago, I let Brina out only to bury her away during another relationship. Now I accept that she is more who I really am and live my life in the hopes that my path will one of future happiness. Over the last 6 years, I've found out more about who I am, the path that I'm on, and what it means to be transgendered. I've also been much happier since I acknowledged and accepted myself for who I am. I'm still much in the closet as responsibilities take precedence. It doesn't help being an introvert by nature, but I will gracefully walk (mostly, ok, not so gracefully) this path as I become a better me.

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Haley Ann
Haley Ann (@cdhaley)
2 months ago

Our stories have many similarities, especially as it pertains to our feelings of confusion, wonder, and even amazement. Some days when I look in the mirror and see a beautiful, feminine image looking back at me, it makes me want to just unleash Haley on the world…yet my reality washes back over me. Why is this “gift” so confusing?

Haley Ann
Haley Ann (@cdhaley)
1 month ago

I guess we just take it as it comes? Not sure that plan will work for me…just not sure of too much about myself

Holly
Member
Holly (@holly819)
5 months ago

Thanks for sharing You bring up a lot of good points.

Melissa Kelleher
Member
Melissa Kelleher
8 months ago

Hi Sabrina , I can totally emphasize with you. I would start by stop calling your feminine side your alter ego . After all it’s you and you don’t suffer from multiple personalities. That has always been important for me anyway. I think its important to speak to Gender Therapist, and its important to give it as much time and thought as possible , as it’s a huge decision . You have nothing to loose by speaking to a therapist, they will help you to figure everything out , and put you on the right track . Gender therapist are… Read more »

Charee
Member
Active Member
Charee (@charee)
9 months ago

Brina you beautiful amazing soul. I turned 59 a week or so ago; anxiety, depression, self critical judgements 24/7 around dressing this way. Mom had dementia Dad altimeters; I found out after dad passed away the he would dress now and then, and his brother, my uncle would stretch his wife’s shoes regularly until she bought him his own. The hardest thing I have found to do is get the heck outta my own way! To “own it”. To do this, I reeeeally payed attention to every nuance of thought, feeling and action I would use during my most relaxed… Read more »

Charee
Member
Active Member
Charee (@charee)
9 months ago

Namaste’ Dear
I Am Honored Brina

huggles
Char

Kim Dahlenbergen
Member
Kim Dahlenbergen (@kdahlenbergen)
9 months ago

I have for years faced the same internal conflict and engage in the same internal dialogue. The sense of responsibility to others is definitely a deterrent to what I view as forward progress. But I’ll also acknowledge a pesky combination of internalized transphobia and cowardice about facing my reality and fully expressing my preferred gender identity. I suppose there is also the matter of not wanting or daring to totally redefine myself and abandon the male privilege in those circumstances where it seems advantageous. So, I’m riding the fence. I am out to some of my former work colleagues, to… Read more »

Michelle Larsen
Member
Member
Michelle Larsen (@michellelarsen1)
9 months ago

“At what point does someone say, “I’m ready””. OMG, never; I hope. Life is one big transition; full of little transitions along the way. I’ve just always thought of it as growing; or maturing. So, for me, I will never be ‘ready’, or ‘done’. There will always be something else to do, to tweak, even if it is as simple as brushing away a hair that has fallen across my eye. Hugs, Michelle

Robert Becerra
Robert Becerra (@robbie70)
1 month ago

Hi how are today

Dennis Herdina
Dennis Herdina (@jinianvictoria2)
9 months ago

I just read your article/comment. I AM 72. i know what you arefacing…in your changing. I DID AND STILL DO. i.personally, think i have more fully accepted and relish(if you will) being my female. I rarely ever appear public as make now. That has stopped much of the various problems you mentioned. I T HAS GIVEN ME A SENSE OF CALM NOW (and a lot of happiness). I think part of the problems i was facing at one point came from the fact i was trying to be both male and female but yet neither. My way out came when… Read more »

Robert Becerra
Robert Becerra (@robbie70)
1 month ago

Than

Robert Becerra
Robert Becerra (@robbie70)
1 month ago
Reply to  Robert Becerra

Thanks im nervous

Robert Becerra
Robert Becerra (@robbie70)
1 month ago
Reply to  Dennis Herdina

Hello baby I’m just having online can’t wait to get signed up

Robert Becerra
Robert Becerra (@robbie70)
1 month ago
Reply to  Robert Becerra

Opps having fun

Larry Macgregor
Larry Macgregor (@lauralove)
9 months ago

i knew a long time ago, and now hiding in the house, cant continue, it just cant……..

Melanie Penson
Member
Melanie Penson (@melaniep)
9 months ago

It has taken me most of my life (so far) in deciding to be who and where I am now. Starting in 1977 when I was 5 yrs old and first became aware of Boys and Girls and the differences between them; both in appearance and expected behaviour. I knew something was wrong, that I didn’t feel happy amongst boys and didn’t want to behave the way they were expected, still less wear boys’ clothes. I preferred the softness of women’s clothing so began wearing my mum’s regularly, especially her knickers and tights. It was a lovely world to retreat… Read more »

JaiymeLynne Rogers
Member
JaiymeLynne Rogers (@jaiymelynne)
10 months ago

Sabrina,
thanks for your words here. Wow. Exactly what I’ve been feeling lately. I haven’t been on the journey for as long as you now, (only about a year and a half), but always knew the female in me would express herself someway. I share all your fears, while also caring for an aging parent. So time is not always my own. But I guess we continue to learn and move a long one day at a time (cliche as that is), it seems to be the truth.
JaiymeLynne

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