At what point does someone say, “I’m ready” or “I never will be.” More importantly, does there even need to be a declaration?
I have been graciously blessed to be part of this community, first as a member on CDH and then on this site, and now as both sites’ Managing Editor. I admit that I am more than a crossdresser and I have no real idea how far I may go. I love the fantastical idea of a magic potion that instantly transforms me into the beautiful alter ego that I envision myself to be. (I think they call it FaceApp… lol.) I’ll save that subject for another editorial…
In the beginning, I was hesitant to join this site. I felt unworthy and worried that I might say the wrong things or come off as being realistically “out of touch” with the true struggles of those who identify as transgendered. I joined because I wanted to learn what my “MORE” feelings meant. I needed to read and learn what the journey could entail — both positive and negative, to learn from those who have gone before, and to help me shuffle the continual anxieties and questions pounding inside my head into a reasonable answer of who I might be or strive to become.
As the Managing Editor, I have the privilege of reading every submission to the article section — I wish we had many more as we need to hear from everyone as they move through their own journeys. There is safety in numbers, and for everyone who shares a piece of their personal story countless others are reading it and finding inspiration and answers to their own questions. I thank each of you that has contributed, and I hope you will continue to do so. I invite all of you to share. Our editors will work with you to help you put your thoughts into articles that you can be proud of.
Towards my feminine side
So… at what point do I personally flip the switch and turn off the vision of either my male or female persona and choose to be one or the other…or is it okay to take the third choice and be a blended combination of both. Mentally, I know that I am continually moving more towards my feminine side. There is so much that I can look back on and see for what it really was and how much I fought and denied that aspect within me. I’m also a believer in responsibility and accountability. I do what I must at my own detriment because choosing otherwise would cost more. I know that I am not living my whole truth… heck, I don’t even share my truth; I live my programed life and seek moments of refuge in the shadows.
I have spent immeasurable hours researching every facet of what I might expect should I take the next steps. I’ve always been somewhat analytical, although creative with words, but I hate psychology with a passion. It might be because that was my older sister’s profession, but I think it has more to do with a knack that I have at seeing the bigger picture — much like writing my novels. I don’t like the grey areas and yet, that’s exactly where I am. It has filled me with anxiety and put stress on my health. I also take care of my two aging parents, one who is in stage 2 of dementia. Time for me…hardly. Please, just give me the magic pill that lets me be my heart’s desire and allow the world to change without knowing to accommodate the real me.
This aversion to psychology is what keeps me from going to see a therapist — I relented this last December and planned out to go…but for some reason my female side relinquished her hold and gave the male me a reprieve. I went nearly 7 months, grew a beard, and then went through some of the worst health issues I’d ever had and with which I am currently still recovering from. Maybe subconsciously I knew… she knew that I would need to tackle these in my male world. I avoided having to share my truth… for now; there will come a day. One thing was different; I never felt as if I was trying to be only male, only appearing physically as such.
What am I afraid of?
The list is as large as I wish it to be. What I gain is purely personal, and at my age now I realize that it would hurt some much less, but still hurt them. I’m not at ease in doing so. Those costs, whether imagined or real hold me back. I depend on this maleness to navigate financially. I’m an introvert by nature so I keep only a few close friends. If I were suddenly thrust out into the open it would be different. If I could move to a new area it would be different. If I could… (I can’t or maybe it’s I won’t) because I can’t shake my sense of responsibility and accountability any easier than I can find that magic pill. I’ve been on this slow, one step forward for seven years. After my last relationship I made a commitment to myself, to be more me—whatever that was. I have found more personal happiness than I have ever known by doing so. Acceptance of what I am and forgiving myself for those feelings was an important step in finding that small, inner peace. I don’t hate me anymore.
At what point would I be totally happy being only male — never, female — I don’t know, but dream that I would be totally happy, or being a blend—depends on what that might be. How far do I go, especially coming up on 60 next year. I know the answer… bite the bullet and go seek the help of professionals. The constant and building anxiety isn’t going to go away until I step over the line and test “At What Point.”
More Articles by Sabrina MacTavish
View all articles by Sabrina MacTavish
Latest posts by Sabrina MacTavish (see all)
- About that… - February 22, 2023
- What’s Next? - January 15, 2023
- Gift Exchange - December 17, 2022
Jane, from Tasmania, have blended my dressing styles, female exclusively to work and going out with my SO. A lot of discussion about our life together, and increase in romance.
I will have my first trip to transgender Ball later this year.
So life is moving ahead.
Jane
Our stories have many similarities, especially as it pertains to our feelings of confusion, wonder, and even amazement. Some days when I look in the mirror and see a beautiful, feminine image looking back at me, it makes me want to just unleash Haley on the world…yet my reality washes back over me. Why is this “gift” so confusing?
I agree. Is it our perception of how others will react or instinctive feelings that “know how they will react?” Most likely a combination of both. I was taught to not be selfish or knowingly cause others pain. That makes being me difficult at best. I know what the answer could be, should be, or ought to be, but it’s the hurting others for my sake that is tough. If I had severe dysphoria, then by all means I have to do what is needed to survive. Maybe I’ll still hit that point.
Thanks for the comment!
I guess we just take it as it comes? Not sure that plan will work for me…just not sure of too much about myself
Personally, I’ve never been a big proponent of utilizing a professional, but I believe in the value and find myself thinking of doing so more often. (I had a sister that was a psychologist…put a damper on me…felt like I was a guinea pig.) I think this is valuable to anyone that is trying to sort their life out. The goal for all of us is to come to some form of acceptance and then to work out where and what to do next.
Thanks for sharing You bring up a lot of good points.
Hi Sabrina , I can totally emphasize with you. I would start by stop calling your feminine side your alter ego . After all it’s you and you don’t suffer from multiple personalities. That has always been important for me anyway. I think its important to speak to Gender Therapist, and its important to give it as much time and thought as possible , as it’s a huge decision . You have nothing to loose by speaking to a therapist, they will help you to figure everything out , and put you on the right track . Gender therapist are… Read more »
Great advice, Melissa! Thanks for the insights.
Brina
Brina you beautiful amazing soul. I turned 59 a week or so ago; anxiety, depression, self critical judgements 24/7 around dressing this way. Mom had dementia Dad altimeters; I found out after dad passed away the he would dress now and then, and his brother, my uncle would stretch his wife’s shoes regularly until she bought him his own. The hardest thing I have found to do is get the heck outta my own way! To “own it”. To do this, I reeeeally payed attention to every nuance of thought, feeling and action I would use during my most relaxed… Read more »
I like that…get out of my own way! Very sage advice 🙂
Thanks for all you do and being a great role model!
Brina
Namaste’ Dear
I Am Honored Brina
huggles
Char
I have for years faced the same internal conflict and engage in the same internal dialogue. The sense of responsibility to others is definitely a deterrent to what I view as forward progress. But I’ll also acknowledge a pesky combination of internalized transphobia and cowardice about facing my reality and fully expressing my preferred gender identity. I suppose there is also the matter of not wanting or daring to totally redefine myself and abandon the male privilege in those circumstances where it seems advantageous. So, I’m riding the fence. I am out to some of my former work colleagues, to… Read more »
I sure do understand… Thanks for adding your input, Kim! I think it boils down to finding that right point where we can do more than just survive. It has to be where we are relatively happy and content. I’m still surviving, but I will admit that over the last few years I’ve found ways to be happier than I have in forever. I wish you the best!
“At what point does someone say, “I’m ready””. OMG, never; I hope. Life is one big transition; full of little transitions along the way. I’ve just always thought of it as growing; or maturing. So, for me, I will never be ‘ready’, or ‘done’. There will always be something else to do, to tweak, even if it is as simple as brushing away a hair that has fallen across my eye. Hugs, Michelle
True, Michelle! There won’t ever come a point (at least mentally) where feelings stop and contentment rules. I’m looking forward to the day when the hair I brush out of my eyes is my own…
Hi how are today
I just read your article/comment. I AM 72. i know what you arefacing…in your changing. I DID AND STILL DO. i.personally, think i have more fully accepted and relish(if you will) being my female. I rarely ever appear public as make now. That has stopped much of the various problems you mentioned. I T HAS GIVEN ME A SENSE OF CALM NOW (and a lot of happiness). I think part of the problems i was facing at one point came from the fact i was trying to be both male and female but yet neither. My way out came when… Read more »
Dennis,
Very well put. I like the comment about the answers were always there, but the career blocked them. I can relate, and I believe most others do. I applaud those who have stepped past their barriers (work-family-other) to find their personal calm…as you state. I never had that kind of strength to begin that process…I may never. What I will do is to continue reaching for the answers that help me to navigate towards the possibilities and prepare for the next steps should they be taken.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Than
Thanks im nervous
Hello baby I’m just having online can’t wait to get signed up
Opps having fun
i knew a long time ago, and now hiding in the house, cant continue, it just cant……..
It has taken me most of my life (so far) in deciding to be who and where I am now. Starting in 1977 when I was 5 yrs old and first became aware of Boys and Girls and the differences between them; both in appearance and expected behaviour. I knew something was wrong, that I didn’t feel happy amongst boys and didn’t want to behave the way they were expected, still less wear boys’ clothes. I preferred the softness of women’s clothing so began wearing my mum’s regularly, especially her knickers and tights. It was a lovely world to retreat… Read more »
thank you for commenting, Melanie! I do wish you the best as you move forward. I think you speak to many of us. We’ve all had those moments–more so the older we get and look back in hindsight–when we understand that who we are isn’t tied to other’s perceptions of specific roles and rules, but instead the need for mental and sometimes physical wellbeing. We endure the pressures of society, family, and even ourselves trying to figure this whole thing out. Sites like this one, and the sharing of our personal journeys is a blessing and a hope for all… Read more »
JaiymeLynne,
Thanks for the comments! Sometimes the best we can do is find a measure of balance to our current life. Life is tough enough, and for those of us struggling with what our true nature might be…it’s even harder. Throw in all the Covid related issues and finding moments of peace become priceless. I wish you the best. I know I’ll keep doing what I can to keep moving forward.
Be kind to yourself 🙂
Brina
Sabrina,
thanks for your words here. Wow. Exactly what I’ve been feeling lately. I haven’t been on the journey for as long as you now, (only about a year and a half), but always knew the female in me would express herself someway. I share all your fears, while also caring for an aging parent. So time is not always my own. But I guess we continue to learn and move a long one day at a time (cliche as that is), it seems to be the truth.
JaiymeLynne