At what point does someone say, “I’m ready” or “I never will be.” More importantly, does there even need to be a declaration?
I have been graciously blessed to be part of this community, first as a member on CDH and then on this site, and now as both sites’ Managing Editor. I admit that I am more than a crossdresser and I have no real idea how far I may go. I love the fantastical idea of a magic potion that instantly transforms me into the beautiful alter ego that I envision myself to be. (I think they call it FaceApp… lol.) I’ll save that subject for another editorial…
In the beginning, I was hesitant to join this site. I felt unworthy and worried that I might say the wrong things or come off as being realistically “out of touch” with the true struggles of those who identify as transgendered. I joined because I wanted to learn what my “MORE” feelings meant. I needed to read and learn what the journey could entail — both positive and negative, to learn from those who have gone before, and to help me shuffle the continual anxieties and questions pounding inside my head into a reasonable answer of who I might be or strive to become.
As the Managing Editor, I have the privilege of reading every submission to the article section — I wish we had many more as we need to hear from everyone as they move through their own journeys. There is safety in numbers, and for everyone who shares a piece of their personal story countless others are reading it and finding inspiration and answers to their own questions. I thank each of you that has contributed, and I hope you will continue to do so. I invite all of you to share. Our editors will work with you to help you put your thoughts into articles that you can be proud of.
Towards my feminine side
So… at what point do I personally flip the switch and turn off the vision of either my male or female persona and choose to be one or the other…or is it okay to take the third choice and be a blended combination of both. Mentally, I know that I am continually moving more towards my feminine side. There is so much that I can look back on and see for what it really was and how much I fought and denied that aspect within me. I’m also a believer in responsibility and accountability. I do what I must at my own detriment because choosing otherwise would cost more. I know that I am not living my whole truth… heck, I don’t even share my truth; I live my programed life and seek moments of refuge in the shadows.
I have spent immeasurable hours researching every facet of what I might expect should I take the next steps. I’ve always been somewhat analytical, although creative with words, but I hate psychology with a passion. It might be because that was my older sister’s profession, but I think it has more to do with a knack that I have at seeing the bigger picture — much like writing my novels. I don’t like the grey areas and yet, that’s exactly where I am. It has filled me with anxiety and put stress on my health. I also take care of my two aging parents, one who is in stage 2 of dementia. Time for me…hardly. Please, just give me the magic pill that lets me be my heart’s desire and allow the world to change without knowing to accommodate the real me.
This aversion to psychology is what keeps me from going to see a therapist — I relented this last December and planned out to go…but for some reason my female side relinquished her hold and gave the male me a reprieve. I went nearly 7 months, grew a beard, and then went through some of the worst health issues I’d ever had and with which I am currently still recovering from. Maybe subconsciously I knew… she knew that I would need to tackle these in my male world. I avoided having to share my truth… for now; there will come a day. One thing was different; I never felt as if I was trying to be only male, only appearing physically as such.
What am I afraid of?
The list is as large as I wish it to be. What I gain is purely personal, and at my age now I realize that it would hurt some much less, but still hurt them. I’m not at ease in doing so. Those costs, whether imagined or real hold me back. I depend on this maleness to navigate financially. I’m an introvert by nature so I keep only a few close friends. If I were suddenly thrust out into the open it would be different. If I could move to a new area it would be different. If I could… (I can’t or maybe it’s I won’t) because I can’t shake my sense of responsibility and accountability any easier than I can find that magic pill. I’ve been on this slow, one step forward for seven years. After my last relationship I made a commitment to myself, to be more me—whatever that was. I have found more personal happiness than I have ever known by doing so. Acceptance of what I am and forgiving myself for those feelings was an important step in finding that small, inner peace. I don’t hate me anymore.
At what point would I be totally happy being only male — never, female — I don’t know, but dream that I would be totally happy, or being a blend—depends on what that might be. How far do I go, especially coming up on 60 next year. I know the answer… bite the bullet and go seek the help of professionals. The constant and building anxiety isn’t going to go away until I step over the line and test “At What Point.”
More Articles by Sabrina MacTavish
- That Ship has Sailed
- Label me Proud
- Illusion and Expectations
- Afterwards and Afterthoughts
- From Brina’s Desk