When I first considered surgically altering my body to become a female, I am pretty sure it was originally done on the whimsical notion that it was simply done like any other surgical procedure, and I could pick up where I detoured off and go on with life afterwards, as I dreamt so many times. But I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. So, I went online, broke it down, and put my mind at ease, and began my education of what I was going to experience.
Everything was procedural as I’d heard, and my development seemed to follow a plan in which the A.M.A. and W.O.H.L. set up for us to follow. To my surprise, I found that after surgery and after we go off of post-op care, we are basically left to fend for ourselves, no matter how much surgery we have had. I found this perplexing—learning the hard way that this is when the true change occurs. Our patterned routine, rehearsed for decades, is now different, and also our brain begins to bond with our new body unbeknownst to us.
I have done some research on it but as it is considered personal, there is not much written down in specifics about it. The privacy mandate doctors have kept the curious and post-ops in the dark. I became worried about the lack of information to research; I became livid. I really didn’t understand this depressed state as my surgery was complete and 80% healed. Working and having a few bucks in the bank for a rainy day I should at least be content. It was almost as if I fell out of bed from this dimension and into another.
Everything was getting confusing, even benign decisions that I used to make every day, such as packing my lunch, cleaning my apartment changed; I kept feeling that I needed to clean it again. Thinking it would pass, I gave it some time to subside, but in a months’ time, I found myself irritable and worrying about nothingness. A week after that was when I gave in and spoke with my Ph.D. He was well aware of this post-op phenomenon and in the what’s and why’s I was feeling. My Ph.D. referred to it as a blending adjustment as I will also do.
Note: I was also informed of this being the point where T/S’s change their minds and retransgender back to what they were finding it too daunting to feel like and live the way the opposite sex does.
He described it as another form of puberty we T/S’s go through after surgery as our mind makes an attempt to adapt to our new bodies’ sexual transformation, in addition to our new routines. My Ph.D. stated that I am neither unique nor common when it comes to blending and or adjusting. Every girl goes through it, in their different and unique ways. Some never seem to go through it and remain who they are if it suits them.
Most that do fall along the line of girls not feeling as feminine as their new body feels, such as myself (being a finish carpenter most of the day and a lady at night), or the opposite, some feel they haven’t developed enough internally. Many feel like a Diva outside, which I was told usually leads to a never-ending relationship with a cosmetic surgeon. It can especially affect the girls in the closet for years, those who were not able to fully become themselves before surgery.
The dynamic is expansive and seemingly never-ending of who’s going to go through it and/or what we will go through due to the different backgrounds, support, occupation, and/or monetary issues, just to name a few. I had to change almost everything I normally did and how I did it. I needed to become a different person from what/who I was in general. Putting the dramatics aside, and looking back in retrospect, it was easier than I thought. It’s literally impossible to cheat at the game of being different because if I don’t know normal, neither does anyone else. Win, win
As I saw him on four additional occasions, it became evident his counseling began to work. Before that I would’ve bet the farm, with 100% certainty, NOTHING was going to be easy about fixing me, and I felt like a baby bird being shoved out of the nest for a “fly or die” lesson by mama!
Basically, I learned self-acceptance and in achieving an identity that allows solace in this world. It’s taking care of yourself differently. i.e., as a female. I now shower differently. When I was a male, I figured standing in the soapy shower water washed my feet well enough. Now I wash each toe individually. In general, I take time and am more patient in my wash, prep, and in the way I dress my body properly for any given day, including the days where I know I’m not leaving the apartment.
I now handle dealing with thick-headed hypocrites; a much busier day, including the occasional strange and seemingly sadistic woman smashing your breasts in a mammogram machine, dilation, douching and better personal hygiene, in my makeup and application techniques, removing hair from my body, and adding hair to my head. All this and much more can easily give a girl bottleneck in the brain. It is a lot of work becoming a woman and a handful living as one—if it gets dumped into your lap.
Routine alleviates most of the pressure that can build up from unprepared change. The only way to prevent or minimize the effects of blending is to get into a well-established routine years before surgery. I didn’t do this due to working too much, and for lack of a better way to put it, simply expecting it to happen all by itself. I thought that being a female couldn’t be much different than what I’m used to. This Dyslexic way of thinking about and looking at things was preemptive to the anxiety and depression I experienced before I accepted it all and began this process of changing/blending.
So, now I use different roads to go places I have been before and to go places I would never have gone before. I window shop and go to festivals, I walk in empty parks. I now cross my legs when dining, and even enter and exit my vehicle differently. The list of being different from my past life goes on as I live each day. I even started to experiment more with clothing ensembles and styles to find the look I wish to portray to the world, renouncing my Tomboyish lifestyle. And as for the world, it’s now becoming easier and easier not to notice anyone around me unless I wish to notice them. I have reached a point in life where I am no longer interested in convincing people of how I feel or who I am for validation. I’ve decided that as long as I know the truth, and this life works for me, that’s all that matters.
My Ph.D. suggested I begin to piece what’s needed from the past and blend, (remember that word?) after I have introduced variety into my life. Then mix the newly discovered change into a future for myself and the rest should become my life to live as I please. It seems that it’s already beginning to occur, and it feels good. I also smile more than I ever have. Basically, it’s multitasking on a much higher level. How long it will take is a moot point. I am beginning to have fun for the first time in a long time.
Simply put, become the person you wish to be before surgery, and it’s a safe bet most won’t experience what I have. Whether you do or don’t, I hope all of you become at one with yourselves at some point in your transformation, and I wish you your womanhood with endless smiles, always.
Remember, never drive yourself crazy trying to make it all perfect. Life is never actually perfect…not for any of us. Find the beauty hidden under all of those unrealistic expectations. When you do, you’ll realize it’s not perfection, but it’s the ability to find magic in the imperfect messiness that is real life. This is what I am beginning to experience for myself, and the feeling cannot be described, only felt.
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Ms. Tia Tracy
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Thank you Tia for suggesting I read this!
I knew it would help you understand. Please feel free to nudge anyone about to undergo surgery and maybe we can prevent a very bad experience for another girl but more importantly, prevent a re-transgender due to the person not thinking things through Jas. Our kind can’t afford any number of them as we become part of the common mankind on earth.
Tia, thank you for your thoughts. Being 69 years old I decided that I don’t need to have the various surgeries. I have been on hrt now for over two years and have developed breasts. So I am happy for now. Love my fellow sisters.
This article is amazing Tia. So personal and informative. Thank you.
Hi Tia, thank you for writing a wonderful and detailed experience. It will help all of use with where each of us is headed. It’s a very nice guide, as I read it. I’m waiting for my final surgery (bottom). I’ve been on hormones since 2018. I have already gone through a lot of what you experienced after your surgery. I, like you have researched everything about the surgery and the recovery. The time it will take to feel pain free and how my life and routine are going to change because of my body change. I’m actually looking forward… Read more »
Thanks Stacy. It was very difficult to write as things changed over and over. It wasn’t untill I unplugged from all web sites and social media did the healing begin so keep that in mind. I never knew these girls can and often do effect our daily routines without knowledge of it. Joanna just had hers done in August and now you and possibly Cloe is going to undergo lower. LOL I just hope the effect that I have on the girls is positive. Huggz Tia
Tia thank you so much i am inspired and it will help me when that day arises and i am almost 3 years hrt April is the 3rd year and i know that more changes are comming and with your help i know what to look for
Your friend Krissy
3 years post-op and as you said you’re waiting for it to happen, I’d say your doing much better than I am. seriously put Krissy, If you’re waiting for it to happen, maybe it already did or it’s happening now and you handle it better. That was the entire premise of the article, “some do and some don’t. But if you ever need to talk or text let me know as I try to make myself available as much as possible to assist. Thankz and Huggz Tia
Thanks Tia for this. Have been on HRT now for almost a year. I have put myself on a fast track to “Womanhood” as I am looking for surgery asap. Have crossdressed for many years, have thought and known for many years that I should be female. Just never was ready to make the jump and actually tried to hide the fact from everyone that I wanted to change. For me I knew what to expect…or I thought I knew. Everyday there is something new. I can make the changes in my daily life as easy or as hard as… Read more »
Thanks Nicole.! I tried to convey that message, (of getting comfortable with yourself) early on so there isn’t much blending needed.
Hi Tia, thank you for a wonderfully written and extremely personal article on your experience! I am just beginning my HRT journey and may never have full SRS surgeries, but even if mot, changing your approach to living is similar for any of us moving across the gender spectrum.
I so appreciate you sharing with us!
Your journey, Your choice. This is what it’s all about. Being relaxed and comfy within your bounderies just rox g/f. Thanks Huggs Tia
I had the GRS 2 years ago,intersexed which I am biological female born male.Best thing I did due to deformed outside parts I could not like seeing
I was born Male intersex Erica ( Male w/vaginal opening, one ovary so I know what you mean. Thankz for the reply Huggz Tia
I have all the female inside parts.I still have to see an.ob/gyn just like a genetic woman has to.
Thanks for sharing Tia❤️
Your welcome Jen. I am still blending but life IS getting easier Huggz Tia
I like your article, although I may point out that every trans person is going to have a slightly different approach to the transitional phase of becoming who they really are and how they live it out. For instance, it’s not inherently feminine to have to sit in a particular way, or wear certain clothes, or groom themselves in a specific new way. These things don’t make a person feminine. True femininity comes from within, in the heart and soul. Yes some trans women are what society would label as “girly”, while others may be “tomboyish”, but one is not… Read more »
Thanks Effie.! Actually I stated that in the article slightly while explaining what my PHD was diagnosing in my blending,…. ” My Ph.D. stated that I am neither unique nor common when it comes to blending and or adjusting. Every girl goes through it, in their different and unique ways. Some never seem to go through it and remain who they are if it suits them.” Thank you for commenting on it though. I appretiate your view Hun. Huggs Tia
I understand, enjoy and keep
Moving forward! 🏳️⚧️💕