I finally reached a point last week where I knew it was time to start being honest with myself. I have been hiding away behind various labels for years and slowly swapping from one to the other as I edged closer to accepting who I am fully.
With all the issues I’ve had in my marriage, my wife telling everyone who would listen my secret, I thought it was time to tell my Father. I sat both my mum and dad down (Mum knew some of my story) and started with the worst bit.
I attempted to take my life three and half years ago. By attempt, I mean I was ready to go. I was done and felt the world would be better without me. My wife of 25 years had left me and said some horrible things to me (and about me). So, I prepared my end, and as I sat there contemplating the peace that was moments away the phone rang. It was my father’s ring tone. I answered, and he said he was worried about me; they both were. He was coming down to stay with me for a few days to help me get me through the mess I was in. He also needed a lift in a few hours from the airport.
They had both decided I needed some help without me even asking. Dad sorted his flights and was going to surprise me, but for some reason he knew he had to ring and talk to me.
The climb back out of that hole was slow, but with the love of my family, I made it.
Now was time for me to start the climb out of the closet I’ve been hiding in for decades. I started to explore who I was. I took time to figure out if it was just a fetish, or that I liked the clothes, or was it more? The answer; it was more. I found that as I let the fear drop away I relaxed. My wardrobe became more like that of a CIS woman. Not just pretty dresses and skirts or overly feminine stuff, but rather more of a balanced wardrobe for all seasons and events. Sarah had found her style. I still love girly, but not all the time. I even have trousers now as well.
Fast forward three and a half years. I’m sitting opposite my parents and telling them how they saved me and thanking them for that gift. In reality, I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t know how to live. I talked about how for years I’d struggled to figure out who I was and where I sat in the world. I explained that I was Transgender or non-binary. There were the usual questions about being gay or if I wanted to transition with all the surgeries, etc.
I explained that gender and sexuality aren’t joined, and that I was still heterosexual, but if I went all the way then I guess I’d be gay…as in I’d like women and would be a woman.
My parents listened and asked questions, and then together they got up and hugged me. They said they didn’t care and loved me no matter what. I was on cloud nine. I hope the euphoria holds up through the long nights and tough days ahead as I figure out where my journey will end.
It could be that acknowledging the inner me is enough, or maybe with the passage of time, I will advance further down the spectrum to fulltime. I won’t know until its right, but for now, I feel blessed and at peace with who I am.