It’s begins with self-love –
a connection between heart and mind
This is about my personal experiences, which have brought me to where I am today, happier with myself, my life, everything and everyone in it.
Slightly more than four years ago my life begin to shift. In a way I’d secretly longed for since being a young boy but kept locked away in the shadows. I didn’t recognize the ongoing damage that compounded year on year, to myself and all those close to me, and especially on my wives, partner and my two beautiful children.
This memoire began late in 2016. I had always known deep down inside me who and what I was, but it was at this point where it all began to change my life for the better.
Living in a fairly rural part of West Central France was not the easiest place to begin the discovery of my true self. However, on reflection, I’m am not completely sure that it wasn’t the catalyst that launched me into my future.
Living alone since 2012, with nobody in my life to guide or support me, there was no other choice but to find the courage, strength, and determination to forge my way ahead, to get to where I knew I so badly needed to be.
Let me clarify my feelings and thoughts at that time; I had kept things hidden for so long and created such pain in my life, for myself and those close to me. I believed I was protecting them by being secretive. Oh my, how so very wrong I was!
Discovering that I had never loved myself brought powerful changes. It lighted the fuse on my life and set me free in the most amazing ways. My life took off in ways I’d never perceived possible. Describing it as “on the crest of a wave” feels like an understatement at just how deeply it impacted upon me.
I badly needed this to happen, to live as my true self. And as I began, I understood that if nothing else changed in my life, I was just happy to live my life in this way. Physically a man but knowing that inside I wasn’t truly a man in any sense.
The power surge
Step one, the first major changes:
- To change my name legally – in the UK where I was born, it was fairly straight forward and easy to accomplish.
- Getting a new passport – not so easy and was a very trouble process. It ended with me being informed that I would be provided one stating ‘male’ and not ‘female.’ To my surprise it arrived just as I wanted.
Step two – I spent days, if not weeks researching into hormone treatment. This became a very serious activity due to heart bypass surgery in 2006 that dictated daily medication since. Certain drugs cannot be taken with what I need to take. I could suffer bad or life threatening effects, so extreme caution is required on my part.
My research discovered minor complications reported and I had to dig deeper into the mass of information. After reading many accounts, medical reports from around the world, reviews by those who had taken such medications – un-prescribed and prescribed, I eventually made a choice. I found a plant based medication that stated it could produce breast growth in men and could be beneficial to women, too. Even worrying about reports of side effects, illness, or death, I promptly ordered three bottles to last a period of three months. I was apprehensive to take them but begin a daily intake quite soon. That was how badly I needed to do this and prepared to risk all to at least try to achieve what I wanted and needed to calm my inner self. I cannot recommend or condone my actions to anyone else; this was my choice alone and I accepted the risks knowingly.
During the first year of this journey, I discovered that I could get medical assistance and all treatment free of charge under the social system in France. That was a huge surprise to me, having believed I would never have the funds to proceed any further. By this time, small breasts had started to develop from the effects of the pills I was taking.
I was very unsure of how far to take this. I was then 63. The longer the idea sat in my mind, the more I came to understand that this had been a lifelong dream. The chance of it becoming a reality just grew and grew.
I had become a little unsettled at this point, not feeling I was a man or a woman, what was I? This was driving more toward surgery to resolve this discord in me. Needless to say, it didn’t take long before I understood what decision I needed to make in pursuit of my dream.
January 1st, 2021
I am two weeks away from an appointment with the surgeon who will carry out my operation, having been delayed since last June. I will get to put my signature on a document that will begin the creation of my dream coming true. Finally, after nearly four years I have been prescribed hormone medication. I learned I would never have got it sooner, they required me passing a psychological MMIP2 personality test before the decision could be made. An aspect that was never verbalised, but evident when I met with the endocrinologist recently.
I have no regrets about any part of my life, but somehow it still feels a pity that it took so long to get to this point. I became determined to reach this monumental event, where I have had to push myself and against the system to make it happen. I am still stunned that I am so close.
I’ve had many years to ponder on possibilities and outcomes, hopes and desires. What this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt is that you cannot keep this inside of your forever. Eventually you’ll need to fully acknowledging it. It might destroy you if you don’t accept it; I am sure I came too close for comfort more than once on my journey.
The comprehension of my life leads me to understand that I simply wasn’t ready at an earlier age to go through transition. I can live with this as a reason for it not happening sooner. I am a great deal wiser, more knowledgeable, and have greater awareness or myself and the world we live in, more than I ever have.
I fully acknowledge my earlier life made me who I am now, accepting it all, including things I thought to be mistakes at the time. Life is an extremely complicated process; we can never understand everything or ever will. I will continue on my path, closer to knowing my sense of purpose in life. Who and what I am and how we are all connected in such a way is mind boggling! I have so much more to learn, share, and discover about myself and the incredible world we live in !!!
My future awaits its creation by me
I thank all of you who read my articles, take time to write a reply, ask questions, share your own thoughts and experiences, and interact with me on any level. I believe that this is what I need to do, in the same way that I knew and needed to transition while I could still enjoy life.
Every action has an effect, I am consciously creating good and powerful effects through my writing, my interactions with others in the way I think, speak, and conduct myself every day of my life. My actions are pure and from the heart with only the best of intentions and given with love and compassion. I am so very grateful for the opportunities I have had all throughout my life and I am content with the simple things I have in life. I love life and all that is in it.
The greatest and most empowering decision that I have ever made and so very grateful for is – just to be who I always have been!