Okay, here is and interesting situation im looking for advice on.
I was anxious about harassment at work in regards to my sexual orientation (I work in the trades with the anti lgbtqia crowd) I opened my own business and started to explore myself without fear (cat calling guys, wearing women’s clothes, whatever) So, I find out through this freedom I’m a transgender woman! Great everything makes sense now. I move forward losing weight, hair removal, clothes etc. I feel great better than ever before. My family is learning who Astrid is I am pretty much a full time woman at home. I have a long term female partner and we have two children together. we have been friends for 11 year intimate for 6 years and broken up once in that period so as far as that goes the relationship will be there in some form and is evolving so that’s good too especially since she is allowing me to barrow her clothes while I’m getting smaller.
all my employees know and I even show up to interviews as a woman. Although they are having a hard time with the pronoun shift.
Here is the twist everything has come back full circle. I am in charge of sales and overseeing the jobs and am super anxious about going into strangers homes to estimate work out of fear of harassment or not getting the job or worse. I have a killer closing rate I get about 75 to 80% of contracts signed. That’s looking androgynous and probably closer to being confused as a very feminine gay man. To give you more background We do high end Painting, wallpaper, and house repair.
I’ve been having a hard time doing my work because I hate having to present myself as a man (15-20% of the time) but I’m afraid I’ll lose work or my business won’t do as well and I have a bunch of people relying on me now. I’m going from miserable, depressed, suicidal, numb, and anxious to running a good size business and being way more productive and happy so going forward is the only way
Do I one day just start answering the phone and showing up to people’s houses as Astrid? I’m worried I might not be passing enough. I’ve always had self image issues and even tho I do get favorable attention in grocery stores and out and about I feel a mental block keeping me from that final social transition with customers at work. I feel like what I look like is a factor in the sale which is what makes me anxious. That and transphobia.
<p style="text-align: right;">I am still really early in this too 1 year of socially transitioning and getting ready to have the I want more permanent change and hormones talk with my partner.</p>
just looking for any insight that anyone might have.
The Coming Out process can be a minefield, but I think if done with conscious thought often the potential negative aspects can be minimized. One way to do that is to work with a therapist who is experienced in gender issues. It isn’t unusual to be very fearful about major life-altering decisions. That makes it very hard to focus on and work through what we need to figure out. A therapist can help with the process.
You will need to come out sooner or later. If later, that’s a lot of time for stress to build. On the other hand, haste is not your friend, so some reasonable balance needs to be struck. The essence of coming out is that you get to tell YOUR story YOUR way. If you get outed by someone else, it becomes very difficult to tell your story. You are placed on the defensive and it is hard to get the narrative back. When you do come out, it needs to be on your terms.
Ordinarily when someone talks about transitioning in place, I would recommend that they look up Dr. Margaret Stumpp and Stephanie Battaglino. However, they both transitioned while working for large insurance companies (Stump for Prudential and Battaglino for New York Life). However, I don’t know if a lot would translate to your situation, but check them out.
In any event, Good Luck and keep us updated. I think there could be a lot for others to learn…
Thank you Deeann; the stories of the two women you mentioned are exactly the inspiration I was looking for :)!!!!
I appreciate your wisdom and it definitely wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk to someone a lot is bubbling up now that I’m becoming more comfortable with myself and I definitely want to control my story. I know all to well how bad it can be when you are outed and the control is taken away.
There is an old saying:
When you’re up to your ass in alligators, it is hard to remember that the initial objective was to drain the swamp!
It’s sort of a gross way of describing what’s going on, but it is accurate. It’s very easy to lose focus in the midst of great upheaval…
I can only dress as a woman rarely, and I have shared my feelings with very few people, but maybe I can help. I have been surprised at the amount of acceptance I have received. There are plenty of trans-phobic people out there, but there are always going to be. You may lose some business by being yourself, but is the cost to yourself worth a little extra business? I would think you wouldn't want to work for people that are so narrow minded. Besides, when you are completely comfortable and confident, your sales ability should improve. Moving forward, I think you should only greet new customers as Astrid. Former customers should be decided on a case by case basis; if they seem open, then be straightforward. Make the switch and see if they ask any questions. Good luck, and let us know what you decide and how it works please.
Update:
I have started making forward progress. I gave up letting the anxiety rule me and started like I did with everything else one little piece at a time. A pink bandana to hide my guy hairline (waiting for my hair to grow in), some eyeliner and mascara to make my eyes have a more feminine pop and some nice jeans to show off my legs. Im on my second treatment for laser hair removal on my face and can’t wait for that to be gone I will definitely feel more confident when I’m not trying to hide that. (Facial hair is one of the biggest dysphoria triggers for me I shave so much it hurts)
I decided after I get a signature on a contract they can suck it up until we’re done and if they don’t want to hire us again that’s their prerogative. (Also thinking about an anti discrimination clause in the contract that would result in a penalty or fee or some motivational consequence since they don’t offer us a whole hell of a lot of legal protection still working that out)
I also bought a decent but cheap starter wig in my natural color. I intend to make that the next addition first thing next year. I tried it on after painting my face on…. Big mistake I ruined my face from crying because I looked like all the other girls in my family. Definitely a happy moment and gave me hope that I can do this.
I’m a dreamer, visionary, and a really stubborn B*t*h when I have a goal. I really want to push to make my company a place where a trans man or woman (or any group that faces discrimination for that matter) can come to work make fair wages to pay their bills and be able to advance themselves in society. All in the Narrow minded W.A.S.P. wasteland. I have my work cut out for me but I have a plan. Who knows maybe someday I can offer transition assistance (financial as well as a shoulder to cry on) through the company.
I intend to ramp up my transition in the coming year after really coming to accept that I have to do this to be whole. The more I progress the more confidence and strength I have to go further . So I will continue to make occasional updates here as the transition train picks up steam and inevitably changes business and my working life.
Wish me luck!!!
Astrid:
One thing to consider:
While our ability to make someone do something is limited, we can ALWAYS set a good example.
Be Well and Better Days Ahead!
Astrid:
Something just occurred to me on this clear and sunny SoCal morning. You mentioned the thought of showing up to talk to potential customers presenting as Astrid and being concerned about that. If you haven’t already, what may help is putting together a professional looking pamphlet or flyer that emphasize great projects that turned out even better than the customer had hoped, testimonials to your work, etc. Perhaps that might be a way of maintaining focus on the work and the projects and less on you personally.
I retired one month short of 6 years ago and relocated to the SoCal desert. I present as DeeAnn virtually all of the time, except for specific instances. The last time was last spring when we got our initial vaccinations. I didn’t want people to be confused by my presentation not matching my driver’s license. Anyway, in the time that I have been here, I’m sure that I’ve met a number of people who have never interacted with a trans person face to face. I’ve gotten to the point where being a trans woman interacting with a non-trans person isn’t part of my thinking. My behavior is always as it has been in professional situations: friendly, on task, with a bit of humor and helping people understand that I am in their corner.
I guess the moral to the story is to avoid twisting yourself into a pretzel because you think that is what is needed. Above all else:
U B U!!
