Hi, everyone. I am trying to decide what to do. I am 39 years old, and have known that I was trans as far back as I can remember (even before I knew that trans people existed). I have read the experiences of many ladies on this site as they told of their experiences when they passed in public for the first time. I am currently deciding whether or not to come out, but the issue for me is that I will never be passable. I have noticed that many of the ladies that have written on this site were below average size for a genetic male, and fit within the typical size dimensions of a genetic female. I do not. I am a little under 6ft, 4in tall, and currently weigh about 230 lbs. I have a 42in chest, and though I could afford to lose about 10-15 lbs, I cannot be much smaller than I currently am. As an extra complication, I shattered my neck in a car accident when I was 18 years old. My C4 vertebrae and disk were completely destroyed, and had to be reconstructed. Through some miracle, my spinal cord was not severed, and I suffered no obvious permanent effects beyond neck pain and some minor nerve damage. Unfortunately, the resulting surgery required several plates to be inserted into my neck, and due to the location, it impacted my vocal chords. As a result, I speak with an extremely deep voice that I am unable to alter, as some of my vocal chords are unable to function due to the placement of the plates. All of this is making the decision to transition very difficult for me. Due to my size and voice, no amount of hormones or surgeries will ever make me even remotely passable as a genetic female. Though I have an intense desire to display the real me and live freely, I also know that I will never be completely free due to the aforementioned issues. At this point, I question whether transitioning will only make life more difficult for me than it already is. Are there any ladies out there going through a similar situation? Any advice?
Hi Lufia, A lot of the people that know me at TGH know I hate the word (passing), girl's, women come in all different shape and sizes and for your voice, for my voice it isn't very feminine, I don't care.
I came out full blast 9 mo. ago and people are very respectable and treat me and address me as a woman, I
I'm 5'9" 215 lb I am a remodeling contractor for a living so that is the kind of body build I have.
I wear very feminine clothing all the time, in every since of my life I am a woman.
If you choose to come out full time, you will loose things and people in your life and that has nothing to do with how you look.
With much respect and love
timmie
Lufia,
I can relate!
I am not nearly so tall but very stocky, fat and muscular and I'm very self-conscious about how deep my voice is.
I have no idea if I'll ever be remotely passable but coming out for me changed my life profoundly. Accepting and loving myself and living an authentic life has given me back my future.
It may not make life easy but it can be very good!! Whatever you choose to do please be good to yourself!!!
Cheers!
Kim in Calgary
I think it comes down to how badly do you need to live your truth. That would be a different proposition for all of us. I suspect the answers for us as a group would range from Absolutely, to Yes to Maybe and all points in between...
Lufia,
I am 39 as well and admire your conviction. I think we all have different circumstances and completely agree that there will be a wide range of opinions. I have a cousin who is a cis woman who is 6'3" or 6'4" and she has no other choice but to love herself, as they are her genes...So my suggestion would be to love thyself, and do what makes you happy. I am in the process of atruly accepting myself and have the weight of a family to consider.
Take care and wish you the best,
Steph
I've been wondering the same thing myself. I feel some day I am not going to care what others think about how I look. Even cis girls deal with this daily. Looks are over rated. It should he how you feel not how others perceive you.
This might not help, but it might. IDK. Anyway. Today I went to the Goodwill and spent about an hour looking at women's shirts. I've only been out about 2 months and so I had a bit of the old "everyone is staring at me even if I can see them living their lives oblivious to my existence" feeling. It didn't stop me from buying some cute tops and putting my amazing fashion sense to good use. Seriously, before I realized anything about my gender my ex-wife knew I knew women's fashion and would have me dress her. Anyway, on the way home I was decompressing from the bit of inconsequential stress it had caused and I realized something. I'd rather live as a less attractive woman then a man under any condition...because I'm not one. Not to say you shouldn't care about passing...care as much as you want to...but the point is: I'm going to do what I can to pass and be comfortable being me instead of pretending to be a man and feeling like a liar. Who cares what people think as long as they're not actively being a prick.
Also, something I've noticed after coming out: people will always respond so much netter when you're owning and projecting your true honest self. I got along as male, but in the 2 months since I've been out I've had more real connections with people than in the 39 years leading up to coming out. If you're comfortable with who you are it puts people at ease and lets them know you're not afraid to be vulnerable on some level. It's amazing. Never would I have ever guessed that just being honest with myself would change everything about how I interact with the world...for the better.
