This is my second attempt at writing this, but my first was consumed by technology – I think I must be a Luddite.
It's now been 6 plus years since I started to crossdress again. 6 years of exploring who I am and who I want to be. 6 years of finally figuring out that I am a little bit of both my personas. A little bit April, a little bit Bill. My dressing desires come and go – often. There was a period of time when I thought for sure I was going to transition. Then I didn't. Then I did again. Now, not so much. But I am learning to live with those feelings and learning that having different desires at different times is normal – at least for me.
This dressing thing, for those of us who have finally realized that we have both personas, can pose a bit of a conundrum. I'm of an age, and financially secure enough, that I don't have to worry about losing my job, and my wife is at least accepting of my dressing, so I can pretty much dress when I want, within reason, but I still choose to live the vast majority of my life as male. Why?
Because while being April is an “experience”, being Bill is “easy”. No work needed. And while it can be boring for the most part, it's a known quantity. Bill is safe. Bill is normal. No hassle, no worries. And at 65 becoming April (at least to an extent that I find satisfying) is more work than ever. Gravity is a harsh mistress. At least 2-3 hours of work to be “acceptable” to my eyes.
Once I'm dressed I rarely want it to end, but end it eventually does, and then inertia sets in and my male self has a tendency to hang on.
I so wished I had dressed more when I was young. I had such a wonderful face for dressing. Slight, angular, and rather feminine, if I do say so myself. And I was so thin. But alas, by my early 20s I was married with children, and I concentrated on other things. Don't get me wrong – I love my children, and they happen to be the best thing I have done with my life to this point. Yet, perhaps I could have enjoyed my life more if I had only taken the time to see and express my feminine side. At least on occasion.
Because April takes chances and goes places that I never did as my male self, opening myself up to many new experiences, both good and bad, but at least I have the experiences and I live life. Ironically, many of the doors I opened as April are now opened to Bill too, and I have become at least a bit more adventurous and open to the new, no matter how I am dressed.
I'm not sure what it is exactly about dressing that brings out the adventurous side in me; maybe it's the fact that I feel like a different person, or maybe it's just the fact that once I have gotten past the fear of being outed nothing else seems nearly as frightening. Whatever the case, I'm open to a whole lot more when I'm out and about as April.
So …......after 6 years of re-exploring I'm still not sure where the journey will eventually take me, but I'm going to try to keep on listening to my inner voice, staying brave enough to take some chances, and hopefully, let it take me where I need to go.
Take care ladies.
Hi April, What a nice article to share with us. Sorry I missed you at DLV. It looks like I'll be presenting at Keystone (something like Life in the Intersex Lane) so maybe we'll meet again. Anyway please keep writing. You've helped lots of us. Hugs and Safe Journey,
Marg
I appreciate your clear and insightful writing. Keep up the good work!
I loved what you wrote. You know, I feel like much the same, but I'm 51, not as secure financially as you said, but I am trying to blend some feminine pieces of clothes in my daily live. As you said, being male is much easier, hassle free, so my main persona is yet the masculine one. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am trying to enjoy the journey! And it is really good to hear/read others with similar histories. Thank you, dear April!
April,
Such a lovely and open article. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am older as well (63) and dress intermittently. Unfortunately, my wife is not supportive, leading to another layer of complexity - anxiety. I totally understand the gravity mistress and the time it takes to feel comfortable/presentable - at least to myself.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing and helping me realize that I am not alone.
Tina
That was a wonderful and helpful post, April! I am not married, but so much of your story resonates with me. I bounce between my male persona "Charlie" and my female persona "Carla" so much, that I've chosen the nickname: "Carlie"...a good combo of both. I am a retired Fed. employee and will be 67 at the end of the month. After numerous painful purges followed by depression and increasingly stronger urges from Carla to let her out, I decided in October that Carla was here to stay. I am slowly stepping out of the closet. Soon, I will have: The Talk" with my sister and her family. I have n LGBTQ+ therapist who will help Carlie find her place on the Trans spectrum. I'll be talking to my therapist about my growing desire to feminize (not transition) using HRT...we shall see. Anyway in the immortal words in the lyrics of a song by a band called Steppenwolf: "It's never too late to start all over again"! xx
April, Thank you for your article on this subject, I know exactly how you feel. I like me as Bill and love being Sarah, I am just starting my 28 month on HRT I am not going to fully transition for 2 reasons, #1 is, I will be 72 years old in March, and #2, same reason as you being Bill is easy, and the HRT just levels my mind set. I am fortunate at my age to have a full head of very thick hair, and no receding hairline. I do keep it long as I always have since the 60's. I also have went times with being Sarah a lot, and times I put her back in the closet for lengths of time. I also have been on and off of HRT since the 1990's, but this time sticking with it, and over the last year I have been mistaken for a female while dressed as Bill many times, which makes me feel kind of good inside. Anyway THANK YOU AGAIN, Hugs Sarah.
I do relate to much of what a April said in her article. Lately I've realized that the person I've been looking for for so long is the Spurs side of myself. She brings such a completeness that I may transition,as I've been taking steps in that direction. When I dress I want to stay that way, ergo transitioning is a logical move. Love, Alura S.
