I recently had a good friend come to me because her partner had come out as Gender Fluid. The following is what I wrote for her as support advise and how she could approach the subject. I wrote it as a letter to her partner.
Congratulations, you are out to the people you feel safe with; now what?
Well, the short answer is nothing; you are now in the feeling-out stage, which will take time. During this time, you are probably trying to figure out how comfortable you are with people knowing and with trying to determine who else you feel safe coming out to.
The most important thing right now is to determine if you are ready to find out who, in your life, you are comfortable with knowing, and with those you may lose from your life. It might surprise you that those you thought were comfortable with Gender Expression, are not. Personally, I lost my oldest/best friend (40 yrs) who I believed to be accepting. You may be surprised at who you thought were accepting and turned out not to be, and vice/versa. The biggest thing is understanding that some individuals you thought would be good with it are not as supportive when they know the person.
You will lose people from your life if you fully come out, that is undeniable and inevitable. I took it as learning who your true friends are. That said, you do not ever have to come out to anybody, your life is yours and your choices are yours. As long as the important people in your life that you want to know, know, you do not owe the others anything.
This is the most beautiful, exciting, and terrifying time of your life, you have finally discovered your self-acceptance and strength to be comfortable with your inner desires and in wanting those who are close to you to know as well. Remember, you do not owe it to anybody to conform to an artificial standard. If you do not want to shave you don’t have to, wearing cosmetics or gender-specific clothing is up to you. If you want to wear a skirt and not shave your legs, that is your choice and nobody else’s.
There is only one thing I stress, DO NOT leave your partner out of any major decisions; they are your greatest supporter if you allow them to be. They can be your best teacher and your most trusted critic; you may be trying to learn skills that your partner has spent a lifetime learning and can utilize that learning and experience to assist you.
An important thing to remember is that your partner is probably as confused about this as you are. They are learning as you are, and their thoughts and emotions are likely in overdrive at this point. They will need your assurance as well to accept this major change in your lives. You have spent years thinking about this privately, but this is a new and terrifying experience for them.
Finally, enjoy this time in your journey of self-discovery. You may find you are comfortable expressing your Gender Fluidity publicly or you may choose to keep it for private times with your partner and friends who know. That is your choice and no choice is wrong; the only thing that matters is how comfortable you are with your choices.
A major thing to remember is that it is not just your journey it is your partner's as well. The greatest advice I can give is to talk with your partner, specifically about what both of your boundaries are, and to determine any red lines that should not be crossed. If those are established and adhered to, then there need be no impact on your relationship.
I congratulate you and hope you and your partner can discover the joy this can bring to both of your lives.
***Well, that is it, what do you think I should have said differently or added or left out. Let me know your thoughts.
With love
Winter
