Afterwards and Afte...
 
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Afterwards and Afterthoughts

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Posts: 247
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(@bmactavish)
Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Joined: 6 years ago
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After things get back to normal I’ll…

It might surprise some of you but my normal is pretty much the way things currently are. Most introverts like me are used to being stuck at home (by choice) and avoiding large gatherings (by choice) as well as doing our shopping online. When you talk about being a crossdresser who is more (me) or transgendered the word normal and afterwards takes on added meaning. We’re declared to be far removed from anything consisting of being normal. There never has been an afterwards for us. Is it about to change? For those who live in the US being transgendered is a hot topic on both sides. I think the war is going to escalate. I also believe that it may be necessary to do so.

I could spend hours discussing the political, religious, and cultural landscape surrounding us. Instead, I’d like to talk about this little world that we call Transgender Heaven. I’ve often wondered if I belong here; I’m also a member on Crossdresser Heaven, serving both sites as the Managing Editor. I used to pen articles but mostly gave that up when I took on the role. I believe it’s better to help others express themselves now. It’s that sitting in the back of the classroom mentality and collecting information that now has me wanting to share again. There are many topics that I hope to cover, and in a hopeful way I wish them to be inspiring enough that others will feel excited to share their own stories.

When the world resets and we start to venture out again I will still be in my closet. I have never been one to feel the need to be accepted by anyone other than myself, but I’m still deathly afraid of hurting those close to me. My daughters know that part of the reason my marriage failed was because of my crossdressing. Fifteen years ago, that’s what I still was. Throughout my life, I bought nylons and heels to satisfy my cravings and threw them away in shame and guilt. It took failing another 6 year relationship (not because of dressing because I didn’t the whole time) to realize there was something more to me. I’ve been single going on eight years, and though I miss the intimacy of a close relationship, I’m still not actively searching for one. The biggest reason is that I don’t know myself yet. Even at 60 I’m still in the process of figuring out who I am. I didn’t say what I am. I’m not a what.

I’ve sometimes been accused of talking about myself as separate personas. I do that because I must portray the pure male side of myself that others know rather than the blended person I know me to be. I’m not either and I’m uncertain of where I would find the most comfort. I wish that I knew. I don’t, and that’s why I’m here. To learn from the others that have felt the same. Did they find THEIR happiness at whatever point they navigated to? I’m not happy where I’m at, but I also feel the responsibility to continue on with my hidden life and visible life for now. I take care of my parents, one who is at stage 3 with lung cancer and going through dementia to boot. My father is 93. My world is bigger than just me. That hasn’t curtailed me from doing the little things to help me cope until I no longer can and have to become more direct. Will I ever consider transitioning—maybe. That’s the best I can say for now. When my parents have both left this world it will be my focus for living the rest of my life. I’m confident in my relationship with my children. They will accept me however I traverse the rest of my life.

I’ll end my thoughts today with you dear readers in mind. No matter how you see yourself there is always someone who will hold your hand and lend support. And I believe there are many more than we imagine there to be. I know that it takes a dozen to surround and hold us up to compensate for the one bad individual who tears us down. If you want to find those positive people search out the members on this site, read their stories, write your own and share it, or chat with like-minded friends. This site and CDH has made me more comfortable with who I am and where I might be headed. For now, that’s all that I can ask for. Someday, I may need that physical hand to hold on to, but I’ll never stop needing the virtual ones either.

Be well, be safe, and be hopeful!

 

Brina

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Posts: 3
Guest
(@Jan Johns)
New Member
Joined: 3 years ago

Thanks for the article Brina, you look wonderful by the way!

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Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 247

Jan,
Thank you for the kind compliments 🙂

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Posts: 2
 Anna
Member
(@annafaye)
New Member     United States of America, North Carolina
Joined: 4 years ago

Very well stated Sabrina! I too think being transgendered right now may not be as good a thing as it was a year or two ago. Thank you for your expressions! Here is to moving forward together as the women we were meant to be!

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Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 247

Anna,
Thanks for your comments. There are so many other issues to worry about than trying define what is and isn't in a world where the lines have never been more blurred. The old ways need to go and people need to remember they have their own voice and to stop listening to all the falsehoods out there.

Be safe!

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Posts: 64
Member
(@sawman56)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Wisconsin, Fort Atkinson
Joined: 4 years ago

Brina,
That was beautiful the words you expressed, I do hope one day you will be able to free all of yourself, you are so beautiful it would be a shame not let her free.
with all my love and huggs
thank you
timmie

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Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 247

Thank you for the kind compliment. Yes, someday 🙂

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Posts: 58
Member
(@alexismoongirl)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Illinois
Joined: 3 years ago

Thanks for the lovely post, Brina. I truly believe we are all there with you, to one degree or another. I often think about how many things will never be the same as we come out of this bizarre year...the workplace, social gatherings, the many who lost a loved one, and...our individual selves. That's one of the reasons I'm here now, on the TGH side. For most of my life I told myself I was "just" at crossdresser. But for various reasons, due to things that happened during the pandemic that may not have happened otherwise, I've accepted that I'm transgender. What that means in the long run is still TBD...I don't want this to ruin my marriage, and I don't know that it will, but once I let that genie out of the bottle. But things have changed. I'VE changed! And sometimes there's no going back. Since accepting myself as trans, my gender dysphoria has gotten much worse. Now that I know what it is, I know what will help it, but due this situation, it's not always possible. But I appreciate you and everyone else here...it helps!

Luv ya,
Lexi

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Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 247

Lexi,

I couldn't agree more, and thanks for commenting. For me, accepting that I'm transgender helped some anxieties and created a whole new bunch. Like you said, where that ultimately leads is TBD. It's also the biggest reason I don't seek out a new relationship...that and the fact I can golf or go bowling anytime I want, take a vacation from my living room to the back porch, now that the weather is better...lol. I wish you all the best as you work through your relationship. I hope to find that special person before I get too old to remember my own name. Happy Easter.

Brina

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Posts: 9
Member
(@may)
Active Member     United States of America, Florida, Hollywood
Joined: 3 years ago

Life can be extremely difficult and and mercilessly cruel especially to CD/TG community. This is all the more reason to value the relationships that support and guide our steps on our journey wherever that journey leads us. A great support structure here at TGH is available to all who need a caring hand to hold onto. Hold onto your faith and keep reaching for a brighter tomorrow.

Sebrina, thank you for sharing such a heartfelt story. You are an inspiration to us all. I hope you will find a sincere, sharing and caring hand to hold on tight to.

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Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 247

Kayla,

I agree that there is a wonderful support structure here, and we most assuredly should hold on to our faith and hope for better things down the road. I haven't given up on finding that special hand to hold. It will most likely be there when I least expect it.

Thanks for the comments!

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Posts: 45
(@lucinda)
Eminent Member     United States of America, New York, niagara falls
Joined: 5 years ago

what a lovely post, thanks for sharing it. you look so pretty and happy. when I dress up I feel happy and relaxed. just wish I could dress up and come out of the closet so to speak. wife knows I dress up but will not let me sit in same room as her and watch T.V. talk like 2 woman. she seen me dressed up and even getting dressed up. but no help with make up. I had to learn how to apply eye shadow on my self and getting better each time. thanks for the post and hope every one else will read this post and learn something including the wife's so they can under stand the x dressing world

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Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 247

Thank you for the kind words. I get it, at least I think I do. That's one of the reasons I wanted to start sharing more. Many of the personality traits that we have (being funny, compassionate, even nurturing as a parent) come from our feminine side, not that males aren't also so. Our spouses tend to like this and hate this about us. Mine did. What I think they don't understand is the depression and anxiety that being "different" and not accepting ourselves is what makes us someone they don't like. If we share this part with them, it's either don't want to see it or we're done...in my case. We might be able to hide the dress, but it's difficult to hide the pure parts of us that call to the female side of our personality. The more we do, the worse we become in our inner struggles. It's a no win situation for both. The best we can do is find an acceptable compromise and rebuild together or face the harder choices. I wish you all the best!

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Posts: 4
Member
(@joannlynnsmith)
New Member     United States of America, Oklahoma, Oklahoma city
Joined: 4 years ago

Sabrina friend me please.

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Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 247

We already are:)

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Member
(@mrkc)
Joined: 3 years ago

New Member     South Africa, Gauteng, Randburg
Posts: 1

Stunning words, stunning girl😘

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