Amazed and Bemused

I have met many of you in the chat room, and there are uncounted others here I haven't had the pleasure of meeting. I've been at TGH for about a month now, and I am so glad I joined. Thank you all for the support and encouragement.

I began my transition slowly about 18 months ago, and have progressed well in the past few months. I am following all the medical protocols to make the change properly and safely, with a therapist, endocrinologist and a family doctor working together to assist me as needed. After sixty five years of dysphoria, I have made up my mind to be myself, and to date, I have been amazed and bemused.

I am amazed that my transition has been so positive, effortless and stress free. I am now living my true life all the time. I spent most of my life being paralyzed with fear at the prospect of making the change, even though I knew in my spirit that I was female. The social indoctrination from childhood was just too strong to overcome for a long, long time. As I finally made the decision to launch forward into a new and exciting world, I began to find that all those fears and worries were solely my own.

As I progressed from step one, I have never met with a negative reaction from anyone I have been in contact with. Admittedly, during the COVID crisis, those contacts are few and far between, but I am referring to my family and close friends. All of them accepted my changes with a grain of salt and thought nothing of it. My fears had no place to manifest! As I presented myself at my workplace (I am a professional psychologist), again no eyebrow was raised. And all those anxieties had no place to manifest! As I present myself in my small, conservative country town, my fears of being physically accosted have no place to manifest!

I returned from a long weekend vacation to Las Vegas earlier this week, and I was amazed to see that there was also no negative reaction from a soul from door step to door step. I held my head up, put my shoulders back, and walked confidently thru the terminal, TSA, boarding and the flight. Checking in at the hotel was completely normal. I enjoyed my vacation time with my family and friends in a way I have never enjoyed before. During the trip, many casual chats were completely unremarkable. I feel like I owned the pool area each day.

There was no anxiety, fear, trepidation or worry. How amazing is that!? All those years of hiding, secrecy, and shame seem to be a construct of my own mind, a construct that I inflicted on myself for false reasons. Girls, I have concluded that I really am normal, and that nobody out there really gives a hoot about how I look, dress, play or live. At least, with no more concern than is given to every average mister and miss that crosses their paths.

So, I bemuse: "What is wrong with me?" "It isn't supposed to be this easy? So why is it?" "Is this the effect of the Pink Fog?" "Is my experience typical of other girls?" And I ask myself other questions that I can't answer yet. Why did it not bother me that the males providing service along the way (TSA, waiters, cab drivers, hotel staff) invariably called me sir during my trip? On the other hand, the female staff everywhere called me miss or ma'am, and I was pleased with that, too. My thoughts are that it just doesn't make a difference to me how they see me. I am not obliged to live my life in a manner that pleases "them."

Could it really be that I simply wasted 50 or more years pretending to be something that I believed I could be? All because I handicapped myself with a set of false beliefs and attitudes? I'm not really sure what to make of my experience, but I like what is happening to me. I like it a lot!

Is making a successful and comfortable transition and change of lifestyle really just a matter of mindful confidence, attitude and self concept? It seems so to me. The farther I push my limits, the farther my limits seem to reach. I don't object. Rather, I am thankful, thoughtful and delighted. Even though I ask myself questions I can't really answer, I find the whole experience humorous. I think about what has happened this year, and I laugh, smile, and enjoy the adventure to the fullest. I also find that my happiness, contentment and satisfaction with life leads me to laughter.

So I have a learned some valuable lessons during the past few months, underlined and in bold letters during the past week. I really am me, and I am okay with that, and so is the world. All the fear and anxiety leading up to my transition was self created and self imposed. I belong here (not just at TGH, but in the world at large). And, as far as I can tell, the rest of us belong here too.

So, I scratch my head in wonderment at just how smoothly life is proceeding. I'm not going to knock on wood for good luck. I declare that my life will continue to change without difficulties out of the ordinary (a flat tire, leaky faucet, burnt toast). I won't give myself the option of having a difficult time, and the world doesn't have what it takes to slow me down. I have a life to live, and will live it to the best of my ability. I will enjoy what each day brings my way, and be thankful for each day. And I know that I will be successful and contented, because of the main lesson I've learned....I am a strong woman.

Love you all.

Carly Holloway