I experienced probably the most important epiphany in my life a few nights back. I'd spent all day running around on a hot, 90+ degree day, running errands, and checking in on a couple of sick friends. When I got home, it was late; I was beat, tired, and hurting.
There is a full-length mirror in my living room, and as I happened to notice myself in the mirror, I saw an old lady in a short leather skirt, a top that had gotten stained, whose hair was an absolute mess, and was obviously tired because she was slumped over instead of in her usual straight, shoulders back posture.
I smiled and then became happy and elated. I could have been the poster girl for swamp witch of the Month. It didn't matter, because what I saw in the mirror and felt inside was that of a tired old lady, not a poorly dressed, crossdressing dude. I know who and what I am. I am thrilled and secure in my belief in myself. It was the first time in 70 years I've ever looked at myself in a mirror and liked of what I saw. The fact that I have a mirror in my house for the first time (ignoring the one that is always in the bathroom) says a lot about my mindset just by its presence.
It has taken me literally decades to get here. I've known that I differed from all the other little boys as far back as 1st grade, which was 1959. Thirty-plus years of confusion, along with failed relationships, and another four in therapy, plus four more just doing research on my own has convinced me I didn't belong in a male body.
I've been a gamer most of my life and always prefer to play a female character when I have the choice, which should have told me something had I been paying more attention. I eventually came out to myself and started buying women's clothes and wearing them at home. After almost a decade, I started getting brave enough to wear women's jeans and the occasional V-neck "girly" colored t-shirts in public. I spent 45 years in Colorado and moved to Indiana two years ago, coming out completely when I got there.
It's scary sometimes without the support I would have had from my friends back in Boulder but having served as a vet and been a firefighter for 20 years, I'm used to dealing with scary. It's being alone that is tough. I am so thankful for groups like ours where I can feel safe.
While I know I still have a long way to go, the simple fact is that I could look at myself in the mirror and love who I saw for the first time ever. It still elates me after all this time!
Interesting perspective. There is something oddly satisfying about seeing oneself as a woman, albeit an older woman. I’m so glad that you have reached this point.
I had seen glimpses of the woman in me over the years. Early one, I was frightened by her…not because she was hideous, but because I was afraid that if I embraced the young woman in the mirror, I might not be able to let her go. I was afraid of becoming the woman I felt lurking inside me.
Now, all these decades later when I see the (much) more mature woman in the mirror, I feel that sense of satisfaction in knowing I am becoming the woman I had feared for so long.
Love your story I’m trying to get where you’re at
Elli, I love your personal story, because I can so relate. At this point in my life (68) I still cannot present en femme regularly because of life obligations I entered into long ago; long before I understood myself as I do today. I will not violate those vows nor take away from so many the man that need me to be for them. So I silently endure the inner pain.
Yet, in the midst of that, which no doubt many of us are so familiar with, I had my own epiphany one day in front of a mirror. I was wearing but my favorite lipstick, looking in the mirror to get it just right. I smiled and suddenly was flooded with the deep realization that looking back at me was not a man wearing lipstick, but rather a masculine looking woman attempting to express her own sense of being the best she could with what she was dealt.
Surely, no one else could see this truth based on the outward show, but I, at that moment was flooded with the deep understanding that all my inclinations toward the feminine is because I am a woman just wanting to be.
And as such the reality is that glamorous, sexy, sensual, exquisitely beautiful, superbly made up, whatever is not the 24/7 experience of the cis-woman. The oft frazzled, "a bit worse for the wear" look, the *plain jane" personna is where the average "woman-next-door" more often then not finds herself. To be found such is not a bad place to be, but rather a privilege. Privileged because as just an "average woman" one has all the foundation necessary with a bit of effort and skill to be as glamorous as she wants to be.
Thank you for reminding us of the wonderful privilege our own unique womanhood affords us. True beauty is not glamorous; true beauty is being ourselves authentically as the women we know ourselves to be.
Thank you for the wise words sometimes I question why am I on this road but I didn’t choose it it chose me
Thank you for the wise words sometimes I question why I’m on this road. But I didn’t choose it. It chose me
Oh my goodness. I felt like I was reading my own story. I especially get the mirror issue. I have hated looking in mirrors for so long. The person I would see was not me. Now, though, when I am in makeup and my favorite outfit, I see whom I have always thought myself to be when I look in the mirror. Thanks for sharing your story.
Eli,
Nice post! I relate totally. I wish we met (maybe we did) in Boulder. I was there '85 to '90. Currently I am reading your post at a bar in small-town Central MN by myself ... which is common. There are the days I go home and pass a mirror and say to myself..."Jesus what were you thinking going out looking like that?" Then I shrug my shoulders knowing no one pointed me out or said anything (that I heard) and the staff treated me very respectfully.
Therefore....a success!
I am like many of us where as soon as I speak, my voice gives me away but I try anyway. I know I am " clocked" but most places don't make a fuss. Many times I wish to be more feminine but I was dealt the cards I have so I must play them to my best of my ability.