Evolution in the Tr...
 
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Evolution in the Trans Life

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(@charlenev)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Joined: 3 years ago
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Did you know you were transgender when you started crossdressing? Or did you simply find a rationalized unexplainable pleasure in wearing garments that were typically women's clothes; so, you crossdressed. You were a crossdresser, right?  You were a man that for whatever reason found wearing women's clothing quite . . . . (you fill in the blank)

There was no way that you were transgender, but now something is. . .  different?  You reason in your head, " Maybe. . .  but . . . . no, not me. I just enjoy wearing women's clothes."  And yet undeniably within your mind, there is "tossing it around" happening. You know it, but vaguely. At this point, you  either don't know what "it" is or you are afraid of being honest about "it." Moving from being a crossdresser to understanding that you are transgender is not inevitable, yet often the two have a connection.

I crossdressed when I was younger. It was normally an erotic experience and usually somewhat disheartening. Disheartening because I knew eventually I had to take off all the clothes and go back to my male world. Erotic because it was the means I was able to recover something “good” out of the deep disappointment of having to go back. Dressing was so pleasurable, so natural, and yet something was incomplete, something was missing. I knew it, but I did not know what "it" was

However, upon reflection, I realize that I came to understand "it" rather quickly. In those days (early 70s; I was a young teen then) there was no generally recognized term or vocabulary to explain or define "it". As best I remember "it" was defined in this way, "I want to be a girl." Over time, I came to realize I just didn’t want to dress as a girl (woman), but I truly wanted to be one. Dressing alone couldn’t achieve that for me, thus the disappointment.

The next leg of my journey came as a result of a magazine article (yes a real paper and ink periodical). It was the early 70s. In our home, we received Life & Look Magazine. In one of them, a particular issue had a feature story about transsexuals, (this was the vocabulary of the day.) The headline on the cover announced the feature story, causing an emotional tsunami within me. I just had to read it!

In the article, I met Sally (I believe that was her name) and her fiancé. Sally was interviewed dressed in her bridal gown preparing for her wedding. Sally was a fully transitioned transsexual woman soon to be a bride and wife. She was young and exquisitely beautiful. She was living her life exactly as I dreamed to live my own.

I devoured the article. I cried. "Oh God," I said, "This is me!" Finally, I knew what the "it" was.  Crossdressing never fully satisfied me because I was more than a crossdresser. My "it"  was that I was a transexual. And in Sally, I recognized that there was a means whereby I, a teenage boy could successfully become a girl. This understanding delighted me, yet it still plagued me because, at that time, I was still understanding myself to be a man who wanted to be a woman. This desire ran deeply cross-grain to my sincere Biblically Christian faith.

Upon understanding that I "could be turned into a girl," I ran from rather than to that reality. This running away indeed occupied the great majority of my life, and certainly was the source of much mental and emotional anguish. Forty-eight year’s worth is my estimate.

Even the best runners finally tire, and I did too. Yet those years weren't wasted, rather they were invested in understanding this condition, which eventually became properly named as gender dysphoria. With an understanding and explanation that I could be at peace with in light of my fundamental Christian faith, which I was determined not to abandon. I finally admitted and ultimately embraced my reality. I am not simply a man, a male. I am transgender.

Furthermore, I finally concluded: OK, just say it, “I am a woman.” Now I understand and readily embrace that despite all outward evidence, I am a woman at my soul level. I am not simply a man with a strong feminine side, rather I am a woman who is deeply feminine and longs for the world to know me as such.

That’s where I am now. I am not currently transitioning in the accepted normal sense of the formal process. Yet, I am transitioning. How I understand and accept myself certainly is progressing away from the old, "I am a man wanting to be a woman" concept. Considering transition as a possibility rather than an impossibility is a step on the transition journey, yes? Actively engaging in the unseen but customary feminine self-care routines in preparation for a possible transition is a "transition" for me. For those who are on the formal transition pathway or who are now living your own womanhood full-time, were these not steps you may have taken prior to your formal coming out?

I am not sure if I will fully transition, but I am much more open to the idea of a part-time life as my feminine self. I believe full-time would create  tremendous upheavals for many; so much "collateral damage." I am not ready to do that to them. Yet, I wonder, "Is it not possible that by becoming Charlene full time I would be providing for them an opportunity of personal growth? Would not my non-traditional womanhood require their own growth if they chose to accept me as a woman? In my transition to my authentic feminine self would I then not be doing something for them rather than to them?" So many things that need to be sorted out, but one is finally settled, I am a woman.

My transition may not be to full-time womanhood, but maybe it will. I don’t know at this time. Certainly, in a vacuum, I would do so, but at my age, there are so many lives that are closely intertwined with mine. My transition would affect them as well. Perhaps in a positive way, perhaps not. At this time I have made a conscious decision not to force that choice on them.

The point is that understanding and embracing yourself as trans is a process, a journey as so many call it. I am currently 68. I have been consciously on this journey for 63 years. I don’t regret not transitioning earlier. I don’t regret taking all this time to figure it out.

But what I am concerned about is the possible regret that will come if I choose to remain closeted rather than introduce Charlene to the world at large. I am not a man who wants to be a woman, no, I am a woman who simply wants to be. Imagine coming to the end knowing that very few if any actually ever knew the real you.

 

I hope this helps. May you, the reader, be blessed in your journey of self-discovery.

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Member
(@johnnie655)
Joined: 6 months ago

New Member     United States of America, Florida, Boca Raton
Posts: 1
Member
(@trishsummers)
Joined: 8 months ago

Trusted Member     United States of America, North Carolina
Posts: 47

@charlenev "I am not a man who wants to be a woman. no, I am a woman that sinoly wants to be." 

Love ❤️ this. Thank you for sharing.

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Ambassador
(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1781

@charlenev My answer would be no, I didn’t know.

I had been dressing for the better part of a year (2015) and attending CD/TG monthly gatherings in 2 places. One was an hour and a half from my home and the other was about an hour. One afternoon I was getting dressed to attend one of the events and my wife asked me what did I get out of dressing. I can’t remember my answer, but she said “You may be transgender.”. I had never considered that possibility before, but the more I thought about and the more research I did, I began to understand that I was, in fact, transgender. I suppose that I would have come to this conclusion on my own at some point, but her comment definitely crystallized my thinking.

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(@kaucheelynn)
Joined: 5 months ago

New Member     United Kingdom, Gloucestershire
Posts: 3

Dear Charlene,

nice story. My start was the same-in 2nd year of elementary school I discovered the thrill of grandma 60's style garnments (bullet bra, nylins, controlling panty gridles, petticoats). By my oppinion she found out. The next year carnival my mother said to sprnd that weekend at grandma. On friday afternoon both told ne that they got my masqureade dress. It consisted of old granny lingerie and petticoat. Grandma even made a dress for me that went with petticoat. My mum gave me her wig and made my make-up. They got also some girls flats. I was in the 9th heaven. Till that time I've been always secretly addicted to somens clothes.

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Posts: 1
Member
(@canadiantesla)
New Member     Canada, Ontario, Sarnia
Joined: 6 years ago

Dear Charlene,

Your heartfelt and courageous journey is truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing such a personal and transformative story. Your openness about the struggles, triumphs, and self-discovery will undoubtedly resonate with others navigating similar paths.

It's evident that your resilience and self-reflection have played pivotal roles in reaching a point of self-acceptance. Your consideration for the impact on those close to you reflects a compassionate and thoughtful approach.

Your willingness to share the ongoing evolution of your identity encourages others to embrace their unique journeys. Your words resonate with authenticity and compassion, providing a source of inspiration for anyone on a path of self-discovery.

Wishing you continued strength and fulfillment as you navigate the next steps in your journey. May your story empower others to embrace their true selves and find peace and acceptance along the way.

Warm regards,

Wade S

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Bronze
(@charlenev)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Posts: 115

Thank you Wade for the kind encouragement. You made me smile contentedly as truly the desire for my writing is to uplift and encourage.

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Posts: 69
(@kdahlenbergen)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Minnesota, Park Rapids
Joined: 4 years ago

You mention running away from, rather than towards the reality of who you are. I know that feeling. For most of my conscious existence, I felt I was different and felt drawn towards things I associated with femininity. But as I became aware of the possibility of transition, or even more modestly, the possibility of living even some small part of my life as a woman, I resisted, even retreated. For so many years, I feared the slippery slope. I felt that if I gave in to the temptation of trying to present as a woman, however briefly, I would not be able to turn back. I would be compelled to live fully as a woman.

The slippery slope was not entirely a fallacy. It took decades before I gave into my desire to present as a woman, but once I did, I really did not want to go back to my former existence. I recognized myself in the mirror at last.

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Bronze
(@charlenev)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Posts: 115

Oh Kim, you are so spot on. The slippery slope, I fear it even now. I am so convinced that because being a woman feels so natural to me that even a slight bent in that direction would probably bring down the whole house of cards malehood in which I live.
I want womanhood so badly. Even just a couple of sessions in therapy seems to be bringing "me" more into focus rather than leaving me "out there" to live in the "wish world".
Slippery slope has begun? Oh my.

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Posts: 32
(@Anonymous 25807)
Eminent Member
Joined: 1 year ago

Well yes, i could have written the same article with detail differences. But it's the universal experience of women like us born into that generation. I'm 64 on Saturday, so same era.

I knew I suppose but couldn't get over the impossibility that I was the same as the glamorous transsexuals featured in the tabloids.

Despite this I prayed that I would wake up in the morning as a girl.

So I settled for Transvestite even if it made no sense. We humans are good at that. Hence the prevalent belief in a fictional God.

Eventually I finally accepted it. But I'll never transition despite my desperate need to do so.

It's not easy to be us.

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Posts: 4
Member
(@paulabme)
Active Member     United States of America, Texas, Random
Joined: 8 months ago

Very interesting and close to home
I did not know or realize, in the beginning. But the more I dressed the more I wanted to keep it going.
When I started using breast forms was a game changer for me. It let me see that I did not want to "pretend" I want to have the woman body. I then started research into GAHT and procedures.
Now my plan is underway.

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Posts: 44
(@roxanne)
Eminent Member     United States of America, Georgia, Clarkesville
Joined: 6 years ago

Yes, many years ago I wasa crossdresser. Then, I was transgender. Now, at 75 years old, I am now transexual ( Ihope!). If I could only find a man who really wants me, as his wife, if possible! Yes, I would rather be a woman, a Lady, for a man who truly cares for me, and will make my remaining years wonderful, and let me feel like I have succeeded in my ultimate dream! Anyone curious, or interested in me can reach me on the wb with my e-mail, "[email protected]). I want to be a good wife; sweet, gentle, obediant, and ever so loving to a truly good man who is not solely interested in only sex, sex, sex! Of course I will satisfy his desires, but also will simply cuddle on the couch, snuggle up to him in bed, at night when we sleep, cook for him (I want to learn that skill), and care for him, wash his clothes, keep "our" house clean, and simply all of those things a wife is designed to do for her man! Oh please, I am out there, waiting for a husband to please!
Miss Roxanne Lanyon
PS: I am divorced, own a small but nice home in Northeast Georgia, and love to be a woman.

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Bronze
(@charlenev)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Posts: 115

Hi Roxanne, thank you for your reply. I do appreciate your time in writing it. I empathize with your female desires. I know many if them myself.
Kindly,
Charlene.

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Posts: 3
Member
(@pam)
New Member     United States of America, California, Los Angeles
Joined: 2 years ago

O M G !
What an insightful article ! You’ve lived my life. We’re on the exact same path. You’re ahead of me, but I’m catching up. What an inspiration. I can’t wait to discuss this with my therapist. You’ve just articulated my experiences into a relatable, understandable explanation for how I’ve come to be in my own position in terms of accepting, understanding, and needing to love myself again. Been in a deep depression for a long time because I hadn’t reached acceptance of myself. I’m learning I don’t need an excuse to be myself. I think this is a great article to consider using when if any of us still in the closet choose to come out to somebody. This could explain a lot of who I am and why I may have interacted with them overtime in any relationship. It could shed light on my feminine characteristics they may have noticed, or any insecurities they may have detected in me. Maybe they had noticed something was ‘off’ about me. I think this will help me a lot in articulating to others who I really am. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope it helps spring peace to others who read it. Keep up the great work.

Thanks, warmly and sincerely,

Pam. 😀👩‍🦳🌹💕

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Bronze
(@charlenev)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Posts: 115

Hi Pam, I am humbled by your reply. I like to do my best to help in my articles rather than entertain. Your genuine and enthusiastic support has made my day and made the effort of writing prove a worthy endeavor.
Be blessed as you work to figure out and then live out this challenging life which is ours as transgendered.
Hugs,
Charlene

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Posts: 98
(@middleground)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Ohio, Ashland
Joined: 3 years ago

Charlene,
I enjoyed reading your article. One thing it reminded me of was a day in 2015 or 2016. I had been attending a support group in a major city in Ohio on a weekly basis. I was living away from home at the time while on a three month medical assignment. I would attend the meetings dressed femininely. The group was for transitioners and for, like me, just trying to figure myself out. One of the transpires, I think she was older than me, and someone I had routinely spoken to at the meetings, told me there would be a time when I would finally realize I was trans and not simply a cross dresser. Did her words influence me? I cannot say for sure, but I know I thought about them. There were many things holding me back, and like you, most had to do with was it right to feel the way I did and if I came out and took the proverbial bull by the horns, who was I potentially going to hurt in my family, especially my wife, but also my children. For me, my desire to live out the rest of my life as a woman in the years I may have left on this earth became unrelenting and I finally gave in. As you know, I'm very close to your age. Actually, about one to two years older. I think I told you that I'm so happy now. I have not ruined everyone's life. I too gave thought as to whether it was important I transitioned for not only my good but for the maturation of those who knew me as a guy. To me that could be true, but I think that is self-centered or at least wishful thinking. I'm just extremely happy I decided to live out the rest of my life in the gender I'm totally enjoying.

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