She is beautiful.
Truly touched me. I want so much to allow Stephanie out I know she is sweet ,kind and very much a lady. Whenever I expose her we feel like a nerve has been exposed not pain but excitement she starts breathing as if she has been suffocating. I feel ashamed I that I have had my hand over her mouth not allowing her to breathe. I have denied her exsistance for over 50 years. Only allowing her to breath when my hand got tired. When she was allowed out she was wounderful. She did spend alot of money on expensive clothing and everything had match. So meticulous. I always felt so bad and guilty when I had to gather all her clothing, jewelery and make up and throw it away in some disgusting dumpster. It was always so sad we knew what had to be 💔 done deny she was here and her exsistance again. We knew the drill we did it when we were 12 and so many times in our late teens almost yearly in our twenties so on and so on the same drill. We got married had children still the same story. I quess I was hoping she would go away. She would not leave. Now we have grandchildren they are a true blessing.i am about to retire and Stephanie is still here. She has been with me a life time. She promises to take it slow, if I let her out to breath but this time she wants out forever no more denial no more throwing away her expensive outfits. She wants her own closet. This time she wants control. Very frightening What will the neighbors say ha ha. Stephanie is out. She is keeping to her word very slowly. She has alot to learn and alot to unlearn
Was she being suffocated or was she being protected from a world that would not understand? I struggled with this and tried to convey that in the article. It was such a difficult thing for me to understand that while it felt like two different lives it really was just two different era's of my life. But it was conducted in a protective way with that part of me that was conditioned to be male having to find ways to conform to get along and survive. I still run into situations where it's best to describe a duality, but as I re-integrate my whole self these instances are going away. My point is don't be too harsh on yourself. You did what was necessary.
You are just so awe inspiring to me ! Blessed here ! Love Dani
