The one thing many introverts have in common is their need to observe. We are in constant surveillance mode, watching, analyzing, and preparing our “What ifs.” The strategy is more important than the outcome… although a successful ending is greatly accepted. I didn’t know I was an introvert until later in my life, especially after the end of my second (somewhat successful) relationship.
I worked in several professions that called for me to be “Spot On!” From running a family restaurant to public speaking as a financial advisor. Smile and bring your A-game. Anything less and it didn’t matter or pay the bills. What made me successful was my (by my standards) keen sense of observation and the ability to see the “Whole” room or situation. This is how I’ve come to access and appreciate my life as the CD who is more.
I pen these articles for you, my fellow sisters, and equally for myself. We are the same; we are different. We share the love of femininity. For some, that means wearing feminine attire while for others it means traversing the path towards womanhood. What we all strive for is the conclusion, the ending, and the standing ovation as we present ourselves to our peers for the sweet accolades and acknowledgments of our presumptive successes. Or… maybe not. One thing that I have garnered as the Managing Editor is that our paths are rarely convergent or easily drafted onto a timeline. We flow as the grass does in the wind, the ocean waves crashing on the shore; we are a collective group of stunning individuals.
I remember the intense hunger that I felt when the moments between opportunities to dress stretched out. How I would dream, desire, plan, orchestrate, and pull off those needed moments. Some went flawlessly as others crashed and burned, leading to near starvation in my quest for fulfillment. Those days have long passed for me as I can now dress whenever at home, and I wear my choice of clothing daily. I own one pair of male jeans; women’s fit me better. The same with underwear. What used to be a thrill to wear unknowingly to those around me is now my standard. I hate the poor fit of male underwear and love my many styles and colors of women’s panties. I haven’t worn male socks in years, even in the summertime my anklets are gender-neutral (golf). I still wear my male polo, tee shirts, and shorts. I have blended in some neutral attire; the same with some shoes.
What does that mean? I’m becoming more me and presenting it from a casual standpoint. Just as it is with shaving: clean face and body, legs when I can get by with it. I use moisturizers and body lotion daily, scented shampoo, and body wash. The only hint is the neutral cologne that I spritz (sometimes to cover or collide with the left-over scent of perfume.) Under my sweater might be a feminine top, a satin bra, or an item of shapewear; it depends on where I’m going. Nearly every morning I put on the works sans makeup and artificial nails and do my computer things until it’s time to go to work. Then… I get ready in my “Normal.” Why? Because it keeps my hunger satisfied and my mind steady for the day ahead. I don’t have to listen to that voice begging me for “When?” like I used to.
We all have that voice. She sometimes whimpers, sometimes whispers, and sometimes downright screams at us to give her attention. We try our best to ignore her, keep her at arm’s length, or greedily fall into her waiting embrace (Pink fog for some.) We may have to wear panties or a bra under our clothing to get by or lend our voice to this wonderful site as a bridge until we can dip our toes into the pool of girly. When I couldn’t dress, I turned to visualization to get by. I studied pictures of women, other CDs, transgender, and even photo manipulation on myself to feed to my ever-growing hunger. That force within that demands and commands me to be more feminine is powerful, more so than anything I have ever encountered. I kid you naught. Getting married, having kids, growing older, nothing has ever stopped it or even toned it down—for long. Our spouses wondered why we never shared it until either caught or when the pressure was ready to explode within us. Because we thought we could “handle it” before they ever found out.
My life would have been much different had I come clean early. (I also wouldn’t have married the first time or had my children… some secrets, even with inevitable outcomes are still worth it… for me.) But… I might have found a partner that I could have loved and evolved with to what end? Not sure, but it might have been great, or not. None of us can travel back in time and change. We can only go forward and deal with our very individual consequences. As I’ve said before, “Acceptance” is the first step to finding some much-needed peace. I am a CD who is more. I’ve watched others from across the room. I noticed traits of men, women, and those in between. Some need to express themselves for the world to acknowledge (the good or bad isn’t necessary but the need to be in public). Those with thick skin and those who look behind every glance to see if they have been negatively noticed. And some of us… introverts like me… stay inside and find solace in buying another dress or pair of shoes that we kiddingly believe will look great when we step outside. I’m outside now, not because I’m looking for the acknowledgment, but because it was time to do so. How I dress in public is a far cry from what I’m wearing while typing this. At this moment, I’m sassy and sexy in the 7-inch pink platform heels and sleeveless dress that accentuates the curves. The other day on my little outing it was jeans, flats, a sweater, and blending in. Both feel great and bring me ever closer to finding that comfortable point where everything may someday intersect.
Until next time… Be bold, be cautious, and be your own truth!
Dear Sabrina thank you for a great article. It really resonated with me as I reflect on my journey today 🧜♀️
@bmactavish of course I love your takes on this crazy ride we gals are on 💃
The woman inside is always there pussyfooting about. Open up a door turn a corner there she is you can run you can hide she will find you she will never let you go. She will whisper in your ear she will serenaded you! And in the end you will you will surrender to her desire you will be won over.
Hi Sabrina,
I like that, We all have that voice" Indeed we do, often hearing her whisper at a very young age, hearing her but choosing, out of fear, shame, guilt, imposed upon us since birth, to ignore her. We shove her deep into the closet, always knowing she is there but afraid to let her out. For many like us, I'd say most, at our age, from different times and places, revealing her was not an option. Way back in the small coal mining town, I most likely would not have survived. So we built our lives around a lie, always hiding who we really are, hiding the beauty inside us, never forming really close relationships for fear that they might just discover our "secret" (we become introverts), and she dies in the closet, never realizing the light of life. I lived that life, hiding, military, male dominated IT job, community involved, raised my daughter, the classic straight life, always hiding, allowing Jennifer out only during stolen moments. Then, as life happens, major changes occurred. At 66 I was diagnosed with lung cancer, both lungs, and during tests they found my left lung was actually metastatic colon cancer which had come up thru my liver, with a primary lung cancer in the right lung. The odds were not promising, about 20% chance of survival. Surgeries were brutal, chemo highly unpleasant, but surprisingly I did not fear death as much as I regretted having never truly experienced letting that inner woman free. Never knowing, never feeling. But, as is evident, as the surgeon who removed my lungs said, "God's not done with you yet" and here I still am. Four months after my final chemo treatment and my all clear my wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and after 13 months of caring for her as she slowly wasted away I was now, for the first time in my life, after 50 years together, alone. Retired, widowed, few friends (it's amazing how they all drift away) I was withdrawn, had become basically resigned to becoming that old weird guy on the corner that people just left alone. Then, one day, while wandering around Walmart, there was this pretty red dress, and a pink one, and for some reason I had to have them. And shoes of course, and stockings. And Jennifer kicked open the door. On the way out I stopped at Clair's and had my ears pierced. No more restraints, the world was wide open. I get out of bed myself every morning, wipe my own butt, dress and feed myself, pay my own bills, why should I worry about what some strangers think about me? Now, after a lifetime of being locked in that closet, it became Jennifer's time to live, and my male side went into the closet. Within a year I was out in safe public areas and making friends as Jennifer, and within a year after that, now being more confident in myself, I became full time and am currently about half way through electrolysis on my face. Fortunately for me now (a curse during my teen years) because of Klinefelter's Syndrome, I have almost no body hair, I have closets full of clothes and shoes (worse than my wife ever was) and 15 different wigs of all styles and colors so far. I love dressing up, have a tendency to be a bit flamboyant at times with everything from Victorian gowns, poodle skirts, mini skirts and flair leg pants, lacy blouses, can walk around all evening in 4" or 5" stiletto heels. Yeah, I haven't found anyone out there who is older than me, but we don't need to let the years hold us back from living our best lives.
I have no regrets about my past life, we all do what we have to do in order to blend in and survive in the society we're in. Good times, hard times, they all come together to make us who we are. But now, I have been blessed with the opportunity to also live my other life, the one I've suppressed but would dream about for my entire life, time, limited as it may be (tomorrow is never guaranteed) to actually be that woman, to know that woman that has always been a part of me. For all the hate I've shown her over the years, how often I've cursed her, denied her, the wishing she would die and leave me alone, how badly I treated her, she was always there, patiently but not always quietly waiting. She now provides me with some of the happiest times of my life. To feel the sunshine and rain, the emotions I've never known and still have trouble sometimes dealing with, the friendship of other sisters, that feeling of being pretty, radiant, priceless. Life is good. God is not done with me yet.
Hugs,
Jennifer
What a great response. My suggestion: copy and paste the entire thing in an article for others to read. Go to Author/ new article. Others would relate and respond. The more stories we share the better it is for all of us. Thank you. If you need help with the copy over, I can take care of that as long as you open the article.
Brina
@jenniferr I wish you peace and all the best on your journey Jennifer. From another hairless body person, Marg
Thank you Brina for another great article that most of us can easily identify with. In my case, the woman inside has been speaking to me since I was a very young child. Four years ago I'd reached the point where I could no longer ignore her and made the move to finally living as the woman I knew I had always been. In my case, almost two years ago, due to having medical issues that were puzzling and relatively unique to women, I was told by a lady doctor that I am intersex, in her words, "Lauren, you are a woman! You're an intersex female." How I'd always felt, and always heard her voice, was because I actually was born a woman.
That knowledge was so powerful, and very emotional! And has provided me with all the confidence I needed to boldly face the world we now live in, so full of intolerance, fear and hatred of anything trans. The F on my documentation is truly correct and nobody can take that away from me!
Hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
Wow! What an article... so many things that parallel my own life. I really liked the part about dressing differently for different activities ... longing to rush home to change into "me", versus having to be at the office in what I call the " Uniform" - planning my route to the next opportunity of girly expression. Thank you for sharing - It helps us feel less alone in our own quest.
Hi Sabrina, your article sums up the lives of so many in our community. Whether CDers of trans. the undeniable feminine part of us is always there, lurking or screaming. We are led on a journey by this enigmatic woman who so often takes us to experiences and places we never thought we would go. And as much as we may fight our femme self, I suspect most of us love the experiences to which she leads us.
Thank you for regularly sharing your experiences with us here.
Kindly,
Charlene
Hi Sabrina,
I’m new to the site and am struck by your honesty and bravery putting forth the details of your history and day to day life, especially in these troubling, hostile times.
Being trans is a gift and a curse. Each of us makes of it what we can.
Be well and stay safe.
Kindest,
Bebe
That's kind of you to say, thank you. It is: (and then saying nothing more) is probably the epitome of being us. That undefinable answer to being us, whether a CD (or more), trans, or along the path. I like your "Each of us makes of it what we can."
And the simplest way to happiness may not be the easiest. Obviously, the simplest way to be happy if trans is to transition. However, for too many people transitioning is terribly fearful and difficult, if not impossible. There’s a conundrum to contemplate…:)
