Hi Sabrina,
(This turned out longer than expected. However, I hope you find it worthwhile.)
You described your experience, and probably the experience of many, beautifully. I know for myself how truly difficult that hunger can become, and the final relief when I am able to express myself.
I’ve also found a ‘trick’ that helps in my everyday experience. Clearly many women don’t go out of their way to appear feminine, yet often they are unmistakably so. This idea stuck in my mind for some time, until I encountered the idea of feminine and masculine energy. It’s too easy to get caught up in the daily routine of task and goal oriented behaviour that society dictates for manliness. So, when it comes to finding a balance, we often feel like we need to over-compensate in attire and outward appearances.
However, I’ve found a balance that transcends outward appearance, and it satisfies the hunger in a way that allows me to not be distracted by my masculine clothing. It’s simply a change in the way I view the world around me, and how I choose to respond to others in my community.
I say ‘simply’ only because once you realise and start doing it you’ll wonder why you didn’t see it earlier. Don’t be discouraged by that however, it’s almost like it’s been hidden from us by the expectations of our male focused society. If you’re going to find it, you’ve got to be looking for it.
While I can’t give a single formula that will suit everyone, I can provide some pointers that have helped me. One of my favourite, and earliest, discoveries came from an online seminar about relationships. It’s a principle that works well almost anywhere, and it is simply this: Connect first, communicate later.
When I employ this principle it forces me to place the tasks aside and focus on the person in front of me, allowing me to really see the person and experience their life with them. Only then am I able to offer help or advice, and only if it is requested. This is so different from how I used to operate, and it feels good to be able to simply connect without feeling like I have to give something back.
Another part of my discovery came while listening to the audio book “She” by Robert A. Johnson. It’s a short book that looks at some Greek mythology about womanhood, and it is quite enlightening to see how well it accurately describes my masculine attitudes and behaviour - things that I’d never realised were culturally masculine. Of course, it also describes culturally feminine attitudes and behaviour, and through the careful adoption of many of these I’ve found a new sense of freedom to be feminine, despite my clothing choices.
Thanks again for a beautiful post,
Mez 🙂
Wonderful points and comments. You should consider adding it all to an article for others to read on our site. Men have long been accused of not having empathy. History has shown the willingness of power to define roles, even more so than just men and women. Dividing lines creates and maintains that power. I like the thought process that you laid out. I'm sure that many put on their dress and then allow the idea of empathy to become part of who they envision they are, only to put it away when the dress comes off. (This may pertain more to those who consider themselves a crossdresser rather than being on the trans spectrum. I try to find moments of kindness every day. It is always easier to turn away than it is to reach out. I see the hope that simple acts can bring to others. I choose kindness. Thank you for the insightful comments!
I love your article. I have found me in it. I have a big need to observe, to listen. Specially when I hear interesting conversations around me. Although sometimes I can be extremely talkative too. I think I have found a balance in my life.