"How Do You Know?"

Hi Trina, I haven't been on the site as much lately as there have been a lot of personal things I've been dealing with, but I wanted to reply to your article. Your query has an infinite number of answers, none of them invalid. For me, I suspected as far back as 2015 (give or take), when I had most of 5 months home alone to rejuvenate my crossdressing. My wife was out of town helping sick family and I discovered Amazon clothes shopping. I got so wrapped up in it that I abruptly threw everything out well before my wife returned, because I was afraid I'd not be able to regulate it and only dress privately and in secret. I laid off almost all of it until January 2021, when my wife was working full days plus a lot as a Whole Foods/Amazon shopper. I was working full time remotely from March 2020 until April this year, so the opportunities were nearly limitless.

In June of that year, I finally admitted to myself that I at least had to come out to my wife of 40 years as a cross dresser. I had already started gender therapy (initially told my wife it was to explore why I had so little interest in initiating intimacy, which was true then). The therapist met Brielle via our video sessions and commented how natural and relaxed I was as opposed to the uptight, very held-back male self. We were also seeing a therapist for marriage counseling and individual therapy. The same week I introduced both therapists to Brielle, they almost immediately, and separately, determined my anxiety stemmed from gender dysphoria, it wouldn't go away on its own, and I would be better off health-wise to look into HRT. So I guess that's when I "knew", but it had been more than a 7 year process. When I was younger, I used to fantasize at night about being able to morph into a pretty girl or hot woman temporarily and at will, like a shapeshifter. So I was probably perteen and "knowing" I was transgender, but had no way of understanding or seeking out any help in the 60s, in a small, conservative WV town.

Thank you Sabrina for that very insightful article. Without a long, long story, let me just say that I came to the realization that I am trans just recently. I have no doubt that I am trans, but do not know exactly where on the spectrum I am. I have a wonderfully supportive sister and an equally wonderful counselor who I have been seeing on and off for the past year. They have been my rock.

I've also come to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter where on the trans spectrum I am. I used to think that being trans meant SRS surgery. It does not. There are many variations and there is no one definition that defines all of us. The common thread to being MTF trans I think is knowing I have the soul of a woman even though I know I will never fully transition. If I had come to the realization that I am trans early on, I believe that I would have pursued a full transition. As a young child, I was so envious of Christine Jorgenson and wished it were me. I was never secure about my male persona. I grew up crossdressing whenever I could and when married started up again and came out to my wife after a few years of marriage. I thought that marriage would break me of the habit. We all know how that works. In retrospect, I never should have married. I could never really be the man that my wife thought she married. I deeply regret having hurt her. We didn't divorce over it. She supported me for a while then we both drifted apart but stayed married. She is now deceased and I regret not being able to make amends to her.

I am in my 70's as of this writing and know that I will not fully transition. I would love to take hormones and that is still a possibility. I always thought I was "just" a crossdresser. There was a light that went on that convinced me that I am trans. I finally fully accept my femininity. The trans euphoria that I feel dressed or not is overwhelming and I happily reside "somewhere" on that trans spectrum. Exactly where I am on that spectrum doesn't really matter.

I’m going to be blunt. Sabrina your article and comments are very expressive and truthful. No one can judge you unless you give the power to judge. Those who have commented so honestly and forthrightly are absolutely correct in their opinions/advice. We are all individuals on individual journeys… we are all Transgender women. All of us suffer from some level of transphobia, years of societal oppression and trauma. You’re admitting that you’re a trans woman but you’re afraid to believe it.
Once you give yourself license to say those words “ I am a trans woman” and start continually saying that mantra both internally and out loud as often as possible…. You’ll begin to be free to be the woman you desire to be whatever that entails. You began your journey long ago when you first realized that you enjoyed CD and similarly now it’s just another step forward to being your true self. Counseling has given me the ability to self love, give yourself permission to self love.
I’m nearly 75 and started HRT in 2019 and decided that my transition is mine and I’m in charge of whatever that is. I’m on my journey to happiness wherever it leads. 
with love and support
Victoria

Sabrina,
Is what you feel gut-wrenching, or are you content with all your questions? My gut tells me you're still wanting to know all the answers for sure before you decide to do anything further, ie transition.
I debated in my own mind for a long time why anyone needs to play the part of the gender they were assigned at birth and why societies deem looking and dressing a certain way needs to be conformed to. We've all seen self-expression. We've seen as we've gotten older with persons of younger generations dressing how they want. Green, purple, pink, blue, hair. Tattoos, piercings. Men with piercings. All things change. One needs individuals to challenge norms, to be brave of heart. Brave to express themselves and their true spirit. I realized in my contemplations that society has not evolved nearly enough yet to accept what we know is true in our hearts. That is, we need to express our own spirits, not the ones dictated by someone else.
So, for me, I could have decided to simply express myself more femininely rather than fully transition. But, I decided the current era in which I live still can't fully accept that. Therefore, I decided to go all the way, to appear fully as a woman with my clothes on or off. I feel so good now, like my body is now in the form it should have been all along. So, in contradiction to what I said earlier about expressing oneself however they wish despite one's assigned gender, I now feel I've done the right thing in matching my anatomy to the way I feel. Lastly, I remember as I was asking myself the critical question whether to have GRS or not, "Would I be unhappy if after the surgery I felt I was wrong?" My answer to myself was I didn't care as no matter what form my flesh was in, I was still me. My spirit could fly no matter what form my body. But, now that I'm almost two years past surgery, I'm so happy to have gone through with it!
I wish you peace and love with whatever decisions you make. What's right for one may not be right for another.

Transition. We spend so much of our lives thinking and talking about transition. But have we ever sat back just for a moment and defined what exactly Transition is to us? As I continue through life asking myself about Transition, I begin to wonder if the word Transition really is just a word I use to define a place where I want my physical image to reflect my inner self, or, maybe Transition means I cannot truly believe I am a woman without it? The more I thought on this I came to realize, I do not need to spend my time trying to justify to myself first and foremost, who I am. How it is possible to transition when I am already female. It matters not if I am in heels and hose or rubber boots and a poncho in the mud, I’m still a woman already. I always was, from birth. No one or nothing can take that from me. No one can change me to someone I’m not. Especially me. So, for me, if I ever decide to have SRS, FRS, BA, or anything else, it will only be because I want to enhance my feminine image, not because I feel I am not a woman unless I Transition. I Transitioned a very long time age. I just didn’t realize until recently.

I don't know that I will ever KNOW!

As for your words to your younger self, I would say the same. Be her, experience her, let her live and then decide. Don't hide her away because of things others say.