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I have always been Wrong

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Posts: 30
(@marianne)
Eminent Member     Israel, Central District
Joined: 6 years ago
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"I have always been wrong."

I have been good at or excelled at my jobs, at being at the front of whatever assignment or project I had. I have always been a terrible student with excellent grades (a problematic achievement). I have always handed people to manage and help develop, and yet...

I have always been wrong.

The main issue with myself is that I come from a very conservative family where any topic outside the ordinary (especially sexuality) was treated like some piece of radioactive trash that had to be enclosed and buried very deep under a thick concrete casket. Many will know exactly what I am referring to.

So, the first time my true self appeared at the very young age of four, my mother ran scared and told me to stop painting my nails and wearing her heels. She loved - and me too - very high heels, platforms, and nice clothes. As I do, she always wore thick jewelry and also had incredible skin (which I tried very hard to keep), so, little makeup but well defined.

Again, when I was a pre-teen and trying to find myself, I totally managed to help my now very divorced mother to put bread on the table and even help our family to survive a minor accident that she had. And despite that...

I have always been wrong.

Later, I failed as a sophomore in college because I only had a brain for dreaming about someone I still wasn't, a life that I still couldn't have, and an image that was not me. So, I changed majors and succeeded in Psychology (which I never practised, BTW. I always thought that I had zero patience for other people's problems because I couldn't deal with mine.) I was invited to one of the most recognized international consulting firms, and I succeeded at being good at what I did, earning good money, and I had a good life, but…

I have always been wrong.

You see, my biggest challenge was not in being good or doing things well. My biggest challenge was with myself because, from a very early age, I was told a truth I didn't know was an actual lie. I was told who I needed to be in order to be loved and respected. I was told what I needed to do to be part of the "inner circle." So, every time I tried to have a life that matched all that, the only feeling was that…

I have always been wrong.

But I never knew how to move away from being wrong. I tried everything; therapy, sports, and more studying. I earned two master's degrees and moved from psychology to IT; yes, I could change careers and succeed, but I'm still wrong about everything.

Every time that I failed, because success is only covered by a trail of failures, it only served to prove one thing about me:

I have always been wrong.

And that has always been true. I have always been in the wrong body, in the wrong moment, in the wrong emotional place. Until I wasn't.

I started absolutely scared about the outcome, about losing, about the hard line from my family reminding me at every turn that the moment I went my own way, I would be non-existent, I would disappear, I would cease to exist, and I would lose them.

BTW, I just skipped one small fact about how my mother got divorced: I had to remain back with my father (a violent, abusive alcoholic) for him to let go of her and my two siblings. So, in other words, I was a hostage of a man that I was terrified of. I stayed back for 12 days.

And yes, you guessed it, I was wrong for not being up to the expectations of my other parent.

But one day, I finally opened the door, started loving myself, and stopped being wrong.

It was very late, but I moved forward and made a lot more mistakes; I got divorced twice myself because I didn't know how to explain that I was not wrong.

And tried again

These days, I usually go about my day without anyone second-guessing me. And most of the time, that second guess doesn't bother me too much.

Last year, my mom came to visit me. She made an 18-hour trip to my new country of residence, and one night, we had tea and talked.

After 40 years, she was finally ready to listen with her heart, not with her fears, but it was not a road she took alone. I have been growing as well, and those years of therapy are paying off. She is still weird about me, and who I am.

And I was not totally wrong for the first time in my life.

I was only different.

But that, I have known for my entire life.

*Feature image used with a license obtained by the author.Β 

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4 Replies
Posts: 21
Member
(@jenniferr)
Eminent Member     United States of America, South Carolina, Greenville
Joined: 1 year ago

Most awesome. I could feel that.
Hugs,
Jennifer

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1 Reply
(@marianne)
Joined: 6 years ago

Eminent Member     Israel, Central District
Posts: 30

Thank you, Jennifer!

Love,

Maya

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Posts: 34
Member
(@amylove2dress)
Trusted Member     Canada, Ontario, Brantford
Joined: 11 months ago

That is an amazing article and a very moving story. It takes us so very long to come to grips with who we really are, it did for me too, but I'm glad you finally found yourself to be Right!
It also brings tears to my eyes as I write this that your Mom met you, and though she doesn't understand seems to have accepted you. That is a gift beyond anything.
I was so closeted when my Mom suddenly passed but now I wish I could have introduced her to the daughter she longed for but never knew.
Thank you very much for sharing that with us.
Amy

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1 Reply
(@marianne)
Joined: 6 years ago

Eminent Member     Israel, Central District
Posts: 30

Thank you, Amy.

I am sorry for the passing of your mom. My mother is still a work in progress, but we finally made the first real step in our lives.

It is still a work in progress, but who knows, maybe she will come to terms with me now just looking different but being the same loving daughter after all these years.

Love

Maya

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