I'm Fine - Coming t...
 
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I'm Fine - Coming to Terms with Depression; a Poem

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Posts: 2
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Topic starter
(@drewkristie)
New Member     United States of America, North Carolina, Salisbury
Joined: 3 years ago
wpf-cross-image

I know there's nothing wrong with me

I know that I'm just fine

Why should I have to think about

The dark clouds in my mind

 

Why would I choose to focus on

The pain I felt before

What's done is done, the past is past

It doesn't matter anymore

 

So what if I'm mad at my parents

For leaving me all on my own

So what if I hated my teachers

It's not like they could have known

 

I know that there's nothing wrong with me

I know that I'm just fine

Why would I want to think about

The dark clouds in my mind

 

Why would I choose to focus on

The pain I felt before

What's done is done, the past is past

It doesn't matter anymore

 

Maybe I'm just too sensitive

After all, I was being naïve

Shouldn't I have known better, then to believe all the lies

About friendship and trauma and how passivity makes you wise

 

There's nothing wrong with me

I'm fine

I get to choose to ignore

The dark clouds in my mind

 

Why would I focus on

The tricks I learned to play

It's all been done, it's in the past

It never mattered anyway

 

I loved myself at first

But slowly it sunk in

The aching hollow loneliness

Of never fitting in

 

I didn't get the lessons

And I didn't get the games

And over time the loneliness

Shifted into pain

 

So maybe something is wrong with me

Maybe I'm not fine

Maybe there's something deeper taking its toll on me

A disconnect inside my mind

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6 Replies
Posts: 1
Member
(@allys)
New Member     United States of America, North Carolina, Greensboro
Joined: 3 years ago

you have no idea how much I connected to this.

I've been depressed for years as well as been battling anxiety, and PTSD from my horrible childhood. I am so sorry that you have to go through this but know that you're not alone. we are both a part of a community here that is not only supportive but also understanding. so we aren't alone in this battle. I have met hundreds of people that have felt like they are, only to find out that they aren't. if it helps, you can dm me if you need to talk whenever, and I'll try my best to respond right away.

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Posts: 67
Member
(@leslieanne)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Virginia, Roanoke
Joined: 6 years ago

No , Kris , i am not fine either , i have contemplated not existing any more several times myself . Do i suffer depression ? , yes i guess so . To be or not to be that is the question end i quote . Will i die at my own hand due to being depressed ? , maybe one day . I live each day as it comes . Will i ever be loved ? , probably not . I confessed to a very close friend and he no longer calls me , i guess i scared him off , i so loved him . Life is what i have made of it , did i do wrong ? did i ? , maybe so . I know how i feel and its being fem and i can't stop it , it is consuming me at a great pace . Some days i love it , some days i try to step away , who will win ?. We all have problems , i say be as strong as you can , find strength in fellowship , especially here , we are not alone in our feelings i pray . Leslie

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1 Reply
 Eva
Member
(@evparpar)
Joined: 3 years ago

Active Member     United States of America, New Jersey, Berkeley Twp.
Posts: 5

Me too. LeslieAnne, stay; don't go. Think you're not at a '.' (a period). Rather, think and believe you're a ';'. A semi-colon. You see, a '.' is "the end". But a ';' always has words, days, living that follows. However hard it is, you're always at a ';'. Life always follows. If we let it. I struggle too, and I refuse to come to a '.'.
I'm a good listener; try me out. Okay?

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Posts: 51
Member
(@autumn)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Tennessee, Knoxville
Joined: 3 years ago

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Hugs. I can relate. This is my first time visiting this site in about two months because I've been spending most of my online-time on Suicide Forum. As Ally wrote, you're not alone. We can help each other. I've been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for most of my life, and this year has been especially bad for me. So I understand what you're feeling, and please don't hesitate to post you're feelings. The people of this site care.

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Posts: 2
Member
(@jill131313)
New Member     United States of America, California, Fresno
Joined: 3 years ago

Your poem really hit home with me I do not know why I feel so bad. Things are going good for me, the hormones are working and things are changing physically better than I expected, people I have come out to are more supportive than I ever thought they would be. Even the things I thought would never work out like hair removal is going very well. Yet I feel like crap I am on the edge all the time all I think about is ending it all. Is this normal? Is this what I can expect forever? I was better off in the closet. I read an article about a 19-year-old trans girl that killed herself she had her whole life in front of her and threw it away I am almost 61 and only 3 months into my transition and do not think I am going to make it. Why am I so hard on myself other people are not even treating me bad I am the problem, I do not know what to do?

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1 Reply
Member
(@drewkristie)
Joined: 3 years ago

New Member     United States of America, North Carolina, Salisbury
Posts: 2

Thank you for commenting💕 I hope your doing a bit better, I know that dealing with intrusive thoughts can really trap us in these awful cycles of anxiety and imposter syndrome; and the feeling that our negative feelings arent warranted or make me over sensitive can really lead to that deep sense of unearned guilt when it starts to feel like the problem has to be internal. I wish I had some advice I could offer you. I know, for me, that feeling that I had a good life and should've felt happy but didn't really made me feel ungrateful and and even disrespectful, and getting passed it may have been the hardest part of my journey so far, I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope you know you deserve to live your best life, I know not understanding why you're upset makes it feel like you have no chance of figuring it out, but all of your feelings come from somewhere, and they can be understood and resolved.💖

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