I saw two pictures the other day in chat; one of a fire with roaring flames and the other glowing embers. It struck me that those images are representative of the lives many of us lead. For many, the kindling had always been there inside us, early in our lives—it just needed a spark-something to help ignite our desire to express our feminine side.
Once the fire is lit, it burns white hot for a time as it is fed by the intoxicating freedom of fresh air and openness about ourselves. But then, all too often, something happens to douse the fire. For some it is ridicule or shame from someone in our lives- family, friends or society. For others, life circumstances make the choice for us-an unexpected child, a need to get a conventional job, or just our own doubts and fears. The flames are smothered as we find the air supply that fueled the fire cut off.
For some, the cold hard reality of the world drowns the fire forever. We live a life of quiet desperation, always wondering what might have been. For others though, the flames are not completely extinguished. Instead, they smolder beneath a seemingly serene surface; like a campfire that has burned down to glowing coals, the desire remains-dormant but not gone. It awaits a renewed spark and fresh fuel. Sometimes, the period of night is short and the morning sun brings the oxygen that reignites the fire. But other times, that night can last for years or even decades.
My own life fell into that latter category. After a few years in my teens when the fire burned brightly, it was nearly extinguished as I grew into young adulthood. The opportunities dwindled, and life took its course. But despite that, I didn’t let the embers die. Thankfully, I found ways to revive them when they seemed to be gone. Occasionally, I got burned- my now ex-wife discovered the carefully banked coals and I thought they died out as I promised to stop feeding them. But something inside me wouldn’t let them be extinguished. After several minor flare-ups, things came to a head and the marriage ended.
After a couple more years of dark night, fresh air rushed in on banked coals and gave new life to the flames that had grown so dim. Now it is a roaring, healthy fire that brings warmth and light again to my life. I am careful to keep it contained, somewhat lest it burn out of control, but never again will I allow it to die out.
When I joined CDH almost five years ago, I realized something else-the flames not only brought light and warmth to me but to others. By not keeping it hidden in a dark closet that light could help others find their way out of the darkness and learn how to let their own light shine as well. Together, we can so brighten the world that everyone is able to see the amazing people that make up our community.
So where are each of you? Have the flames been totally extinguished? Or can you keep the embers going –waiting for the time when you can let them burn brightly again? It may be hours, days, weeks or even years, but I hope until that time you can keep the home fires burning, if only dimly.
Cyn
The early years of life were hard- the world seemed cold and dark
Until one day a fire ignited from a tiny spark.
The flames –they ebbed and flowed as I passed through the many years
Occasionally they were doused by worries and also my tears.
I dared not let the world see what I buried deep inside
So quickly I built walls and learned my true self to deny.
The light and warmth from younger years became a tepid heat
And outwardly I might seem fine but I felt incomplete.
As time went by, I longed for when the fire would live again-
I knew it was not “whether”-no the question was just “when”?
Occasionally tiny flareups flashed but never seemed to last
Until I feared that all my joys were buried in the past.
But finally it happened and the flames they rose anew
And suddenly my brain told me-“it’s truly up to YOU!”
No other can extinguish unless you give them the chance
The choice is yours to make the best of every circumstance.
One day the spark will reignite the fire deep inside
The radiance from within will shine again on the outside.
The time will come when YOUR flame too will burn bright as the sun.
Until that time, be sure to tend the coals as you have done.
Oh Cynthia, what a beautiful post, and poem. I think it tells the story of so many of us, most of us. Those embers that started so young, that we knew, but that we also quickly learned to hide. I'm not sure it can ever be extinguished completely. Oh how often I tried, over the decades, over half a century, I can't even remember all the times. we didn't have sites like this, not even the internet, heck, just party lines on our phones, we didn't know we weren't alone, weird, that there wasn't something wrong with us. Some people still say we are like this by choice, that we can't be born this way. My goodness, the cost (and the buying and purges are only a small part), guilt, fear, shame, lost friends, families, marriages, jobs, why would anyone CHOOSE this. What a rugged journey, even still today I'd venture to bet that most never make it to the end, to find that happiness, the release of finally being ourselves, those embers dying in darkness, never realizing that breath of fresh free air. The price is too high. The life long struggle within ourselves, not to be ourselves, but to hide that part and be what we are not. Sitting there quietly as friends talked negatively about gays, trans, "fags". So few beyond our community are even capable of understanding, although my friends, since my coming out, are trying. With the passing of my wife and retirement, suddenly all restraints were off and Jennifer exploded from the closet like a tornado, a prisoner given a reprieve from a life sentence. For a few years she ran around in circles, who am I, what is my look, my feel, my identity, still afraid to venture beyond her safe walls. Then, she went out, to a safe lounge, welcome and accepted, and it all exploded. I met so many new, fascinating people, at all stages, heard the stories of lost jobs, lost wives, lost friends and families, difficulty finding work, harassment, assaults, beatings, rapes, struggles and pains of those still trying to be true to themselves, so much pain and hardships so many of us have endured, just to be ourselves. I learned, gained confidence, started going OUT out, to dinner, shopping, movies, until I basically became full time. Now, that old me is in the closet, retired, satisfied he has lived a nice full life and happy to remain in the quiet while Jennifer now has her turn at life. Like anyone beginning a new life, like a child, new experiences, new friends, new places, a world unknown, there is some apprehension at times, especially going to new places out on the fringes of town. So far, beyond some rare muttered snide remark in passing, I have had no problems. To the contrary, in every place, I've gone, after giving people awhile to adjust (in some places they've never seen a real cross dresser in person before) I've had a good time. The media, drag queens performing in front of little children, have not done us any favors, many people need time to meet us and see that we're just normal people, just like them. Females usually make contact first, curious and eager to learn. Males are more fearful, they can't let their friends see them talking to "one of them". Males over 50 are next, past that peer pressure age, curious, actually, I'll call it more adventurous, but awkward, not knowing really how to communicate with us. It really is a very interesting world out there for us girls. Once we let the free air hit those embers it starts, and when we fan the flames, there's just no turning back.
Hugs,
Jennifer
