And it has been replaced by life, day in and day out, life. Oh, I started HRT back in the late winter of 2019 and wound up taking a brief hiatus early summer of that year for about a month. It has been so long ago that the reason escapes me now. But afterwards, I decided I was at that point where the fork in the road was right in my face, and I had to decide: do I fish, or just cut the bait? Well, my pole stayed in the water.
Then, in October of 2019, it was both feet and jumping into the deep end. For what I decided to do meant there was no turning back. So off for my first surgery, to remove all the semblance of my testosterone-laden life and get an orchiectomy. The die had been forever cast, and the path ahead was set.
But… there was more to come. Something still didn’t get me to the level that I felt would be acceptable to me. So, I started the ball rolling for what would be that outward appearance update, the breast augmentation. And we all know that got sidelined over what the world faced during that time. I was delayed, not deterred, and I found myself back at the surgeon’s door in October 2021.
And then began the giddiness. Oh, I was so happy; I had finally dived off the high board, gone all the way to the bottom of the deep end, and broken through the water in the pool. I was me, and so giddy with happiness. And while that went on, and still comes back from time to time, that too wore off as I settled into my daily life, my routine.
You see, those were momentous changes, and they took time to adjust to. Lots of time, more than I knew would transpire. Not in any bad way, but rather in an interesting way. A quite interesting journey to adjust and “blend,” as they say. In a way, life is also a blend of what was with what is now and what will be.
Along that journey came the realization that what I have done cannot be turned back, or off, with the flick of a switch. I could no longer revert to some previous version. I cannot reboot to some previous working system. I was what I was and am what I am. Kind of like my pronouns should be “me, my, and mine.”
Maybe Dylan Thomas was on to something when he wrote:
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Granted, that poem was written with a different meaning, but in a way, the dying he referred to may be synonymous with the dying our former selves encountered when we transitioned. We raged against the dying of that light, and we wrestled with our decision to jump from the safety of that diving board, placed so high in the air.
What would come after, we must think? Will we come back to the surface or lie littered upon the bottom of that deep end? That is always the question that only each of us can answer. But we learn all we can to understand how to properly dive and swim back up.
But have we learned enough? That again is a personal decision. One that the people in this community can help teach one another about, as I have been taught by those before me. There is a lot to learn, to consider, and to ask yourself a million questions about. Late and sleepless nights playing devil’s advocate over and over in your head, analyzing things from every conceivable angle. But when you are ready, you will know you are ready! You will have that same clarity of vision I had in the late summer of 2019.
So, get out the swim cap and pick out the right bathing suit, and start learning to plan your journey. No one can say how it will turn out, as only you have knowledge of how to navigate your path into that good night!
Settling in to who you are I find is somehow even more beautiful than the eager anticipation of each step along the way.
In some ways, the destination is indeed sweeter than the journey. It's only there that you realize you were you all along.
❤️
The peace and contentment that comes with the decision to move forward is euphoria at it's best,
Michelle, what a wonderful article. I find it not surprising that most transgender woman have had similar experiences. Like discovering at a young age that one is different, not understanding what it means. Even now at 60 plus years I still at times feel unsure. I find that it helps me to look at my life long history of dealing with Gender Dysphoria and the many things that have help me cope. I find myself at that crossroad asking myself am I doing the right thing time will tell
Hugs Barbra
@barbra Barbra, with age seems to not bring on experience, but clarity. The fog we see each day seems to dissipate; sometimes faster, sometimes slower. Hugs
Michelle, many of us have the same feelings that you and Vanessa have expressed. My personal emotions, and my professional experiences with so many patients, were similar. When you know, you know! There really isn’t much run-up anticipatory excitement before surgery. Rather, more of a pin strike that deflates that dysphoric balloon. It’s the relief that we finally “got there”.
Personally, my daily excitement comes from seeing that beautiful, corrected, and happy image looking back at me in the mirror!
Thank you for making my day happier! I’ll wish you many more days of happiness too!
Dear Michelle. Thank you for a great ( and for me at least timely) article . There is a lot to think about , but it sure makes life interesting
Thank you, Michelle. A beautiful article, the kind you've come to expect from us and which always prompts deep reflection.
Poems, like all good literature, allow for multiple levels of reading, which the author often ignores. This validates multiple interpretations.
Every day we find some valuable lesson to learn, sometimes seemingly simple, profound, or superficial. It's always possible to find a million answers, both accurate and absurd. If we learn to rationalize our thinking, we'll know how to distinguish between valid and useful ones and harmful or useless ones. For me, a day in which I don't acquire knowledge is, without a doubt, a day lost.
It's a reality that our journey is characterized by the personal decisions we make. No one can or should make them for us. We can't allow it. My life, my call. That's simple.
Sleepless nights are inevitable; they're part of the desire to be alive, but at some point, they will allow us to see the light at the end of the tunnel, where happiness, which has accompanied us since we began the journey, sometimes inadvertently, awaits us.
Gisela
Well said Michelle. Once transitioned, the ambiguity and hesitation are gone. We are no longer wearing bras and panties under unisex or mannish outfits and pretending to be guys. The rubicon has been crossed and we are women, day-in and day-out. What was once secretive is now open and routine. We are now just another woman, dealing with the everyday realities on sexism, misogyny, mansplaining, stereotyping, and the twin tyrannies of beauty and fashion, and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Our everyday mind set has shifted from wanting to be female to being female, from being an outsider to being an insider. We are no longer stuck in the middle on our own. We are female, and males are the other.
We are privy to supportive intimate conversations and information that women never share with men - intimate female health issues, our breasts, managing and pleasing men, how to stroke their egos, our sex lives, complaints about men’s performance and technique, dealing with sexually transmitted diseases, submitting to sex because the guy wanted it, faking orgasms, being sexually harassed and worse, our diets and weight gain, gossip about other women and beauty and fashion. We commiserate about things like husbands and boyfriends not understanding us or being emotionally unfulfilling, them not appreciating us or complimenting our appearance, being mansplained to, men giving us chlamydia, urinary tract and yeast infections, painful sex, and the pain and rewards from beauty procedures like Botox, collagen fillers, microneedling, and electrolysis on an upper lip and bikini area.
The journey to having the right body, wearing the right clothes and being perceived the right way may have been difficult, but absolutely necessary. The only regret is that it takes as long as it does, with a different timeline for each of us.
@becks Yes Bebe, as they say, 'all that; and more!'. It's a new dawn, and a new day. Hugs
Thank you for your candid writing and I am just beginning so very much in the giddy state but know I am doing the right thing and I am proud of who I am becoming and so excited for the changes in my life.
@missemilyeve Fantastic Emily. Life has a way with some twists and turns, but in the end, we do get there. Hugs
