Thoughts about my gender reach back as far as when I was two years old. I usually acted androgynous to femme in whatever I did in life. From the bounce in my step, wearing or using female hair tools or clothing, or how I preferred females as friends. I enjoyed many typical female activities that these days people seem to call "emotional labor". I've always been and I am excellent at listening to others, smiling, being pleasant, cooking, cleaning, and organizing. The problem my culture has with this is that I was born a male, according to my birthing doctor, and my body is convincingly male.
I realized from an early age that I'd rather live as and be considered a female. In my culture, this is incredibly frowned on, and any help I asked for towards this was basically laughed off and denied. I tried to transition twenty-four years ago when I was nineteen. The thing that prevented it; I had my hands full as being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. That was actually a life pausing event for me that included a few hospitalizations. Fifteen years later, my family doctor didn't even know what the word "transgender" meant. Regardless, I still felt that I'd rather live as the female I knew I was and am rather than as a male.
I found a doctor after some advice from a transgender support group and many phone calls. In her office, she looked me up and down. She shook her head while frowning at me. I'd shown up en femme, since I had been living full-time as a female quite awhile. She asked me; since I was thirty-nine years old, and had made it this long living as I had been why not just stay this way—stay a male. After waiting for nearly twenty years, I was shocked and dismayed being told that! She denied my medical transition. It took me six months to find another doctor in my area, and to meet with her about beginning HRT, or Hormone Replacement Therapy. My new doctor cleared my transition! As I sat there gushing, she ran through the basics of what I could expect. She informed me, so that I would understand all of the possible complications and limits of the transition process. I was SO HAPPY!!!
For the past four years, I've been on HRT, living full time as the woman I always knew I was. I've gotten transition-related surgeries to help me realize my goals. I've been able to schedule my life around more surgeries and other transition-related needs. I have an eight-year life plan that I just completed and wrote down. There is much planning that is needed for a transition. I've found it very difficult to navigate life as a woman. I feel more myself than ever in my life, but my culture isn't very accepting. I live as a non-passing woman in a state in America that was the first to write a law protecting Transgender people. I have many troubles finding decent work, being treated respectfully, and I find myself getting taken advantage of often. The difference between living my life as a man and now living it as a woman…Freedom Costs.
Dasia - I am glad you have found your own way. Yes, freedom costs, as does living life on your own terms. Hopefully the rewards far outweigh the costs.
Hugs,
April
April, yes the rewards have outweighed the costs because I feel like myself finally. It's difficult to put a number on how much I'd pay to be myself. Currently the tally is around $240,000 USD with tangible social and emotional difficulties. None of which I could have known about until I transitioned since it's different for everybody. I would do it again!
Thank you for sharing your story... and yes, freedom costs.... this is not an easy path even tho I am now begining to feel more like myself, but at the same time, more out of place....but still determined to start anew with people who can be supportive.... I am 1 1/2 year in transition and not passing...and working...and hoping to find another job in the next 6 months, and will identify myself as trans man, and see if I can make it that way...
Jan, I'm so glad to hear your transition is going well! Def not an easy path, ha ha! I wish there were social workers in clinics who could detail the medical costs better for us, economic aid workers to help us find verifiable safe jobs, and I wish the Law was more on our side. We are strong, very strong really, and we will thrive. When I started my medical transition my doctor gave me a "Certificate for Bravery"(now well deserved).
Thank you Dasia for your response..... I will try to do better at staying in touch on the website.
That story really resonated with me. Thanks for sharing...all the best.
You betcha, Anabel! Glad I'm not the only one moving Heaven and Earth to be myself.
Loved your story Dasia. Can't wait to read more.
Thanks, Meeka. Putting it out there now one day here, one day there. One day I'm gonna tell you about the time I played Boy Scout and accidentally nearly burned down my family's barn. Lol.
Discovering just how much of a Man’s World this is, does hit hard when you transition or simply live as a woman. Something I learnt very soon after living as a woman, once I had decided it was something that I needed to do. I worked as a chef at a touristic restaurant through the summer of 2018 when it hit home. Before we opened the restaurant for the season, I had suggested I made a list of dishes I could prepare for a lunchtime menu, which is the most popular time to eat in France and often most reasonably priced. I never had any response form the owner before my first shift. Things didn’t improve in terms of communication, so I just got on with my job. After a few weeks into the season, it dropped like a stone from the sky. It had nothing to do with presenting myself as a woman, simply that I was being treated as a woman. Without very much respect for anything I mentioned or did. I would suggest dishes that I knew tasted good and were profitable. Mostly to be met with little enthusiasm and sometimes comments and expression implying that I had said something quite crazy. Eventually, I proved my worth by pure hard work, good food and reliability. On occasion some male customers were a little condescending too. You soon learn to deal with all. Or have to shrink away from it and that was the last thing I would ever do. I have always disliked men who treated women with such disrespect. I am more inclinde to stand up for myself now, more than ever before in my life.
#girlpower
I'm starting to see beyond the male privilege I never knew I had. I'm not presenting everyday but am aware of the limitations I never knew existed now. Like parking in a spot that's easy to get to and safe. Little things we take for granted are the things women stress about. A long walk versus a quick dart through a dark short cut etc. I think a little harder now when I try to plan stuff with friends so they can be safe as well as the men.
