Notifications
Clear all

This is Me

15 Posts
9 Users
0 Reactions
219 Views
Posts: 6
Member
Topic starter
(@rooze)
Active Member     United States of America, Oregon, Eugene
Joined: 5 years ago
wpf-cross-image

Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

~ from “This Is Me”
by Keala Settle (soundtrack from The Greatest Showman)

Last month, on the day before my 48th birthday, I headed into the DMV to renew my license. Normally, this wouldn't be something worth mentioning. Only this time when I walked out with my temporary license, it not only had my new address on it, it also had my new gender: X.

X. Not the F that has identified me up until this year. Not the M that I had secretly hoped for during childhood. But something holding the space for non-binary, for genderqueer, for the identity I’ve kept mostly hidden from everyone--myself included for a very long time.

There have been times in the past when my struggle with gender has seeped out. I was 11 years old, on the verge of puberty, and answered my best friend’s question about what I wanted to be when I grew up with, “a boy.” Then the following year my step-mother and her daughter held me down to shave my legs and armpits and pluck my eyebrows because I was a girl. Over the next years, the struggle went underground as I hid jeans and t-shirts in my car since I wasn’t allowed to leave the house without looking like a proper girl. While the other girls were putting on more makeup in the high school bathroom, I was washing all of mine off and changing into my butchness.

My masculine tendencies were written off as me being a tomboy; we all knew the struggle to fix me was rooted in their unspoken fear that I would otherwise wind up as "one of the gays." That perhaps the right clothes, the right walk, and the right makeup would save me from a life of sin.

None of that stuck. The evolution of my sexual orientation is inextricably linked to that of my gender. The summary version is that the journey from identifying predominantly as lesbian to queer is wrapped around the deepening understanding that I've never truly been a woman.

As someone who has grown up in a culture steeped in misogyny and whose life has been substantially marked by violence against girls and women, what does it mean to declare “I am not a woman.” I don’t know entirely, but that question is one of many that have kept me from fully exploring my own truth for far too long.

For me, one undeniable influence of being a woman for so long is that I can't declare “I am a man” with any amount of comfort. After almost five decades, who I've become has been greatly influenced by experiencing the world as someone assumed to be female. Only in the last few months have I allowed myself to be honest about this body I've worn and how it has kept me a stranger to the world.

What will it mean to transition from female to genderqueer, to non-binary? I know that while it will be messy to navigate, I will at least be authentically me. I won’t need to keep running from that voice and why it has shielded this secret for so long.

This is the year I’ve come out as genderqueer; the year of obtaining my new license; the year I scheduled a consultation for FTN top surgery; the year I am exploring whether or not to go on T.

This is the year I ask myself once more, what do I want to be when I grow up? And I get to finally answer “myself.” I want to be myself. Whatever barriers I have to break through to get there, I’m ready. Whatever I have to unlearn, I’m ready. Whatever the journey brings, I’m ready to be me.

I make no apologies, this is me.

Reply
14 Replies
Posts: 182
Subscriber
(@dasiathephoenix)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Minnesota
Joined: 6 years ago

Awesome, thank you, Rooze! I've never seen an Enby official ID yet, it's sweeeeet! Congrats on this legal victory!

Reply
2 Replies
Member
(@rooze)
Joined: 5 years ago

Active Member     United States of America, Oregon, Eugene
Posts: 6

Thanks, Dasia, for reading and commenting!

Reply
Bronze
(@mountainman)
Joined: 6 years ago

Active Member     United States of America, Tennessee
Posts: 12

Thank you for sharing your story....

Reply
Posts: 1
Member
(@linda)
New Member     United Kingdom, Kent, Canterbury
Joined: 6 years ago

So well done, Rooze for being true to yourself. I wish you all the very best working out what else you need to do to be at one with who you are.

Reply
1 Reply
Member
(@rooze)
Joined: 5 years ago

Active Member     United States of America, Oregon, Eugene
Posts: 6

Thank you, Linda.

Reply
Posts: 46
Ambassador - Editor
(@april-king)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Washington, Camano Island
Joined: 6 years ago

Definitely better to be true to yourself hon. Funny thing is while I love being April I also love being able to "rise" to the occasion, so I take T shots myself at my advanced age. Life is nothing if not ironic. 😉

Reply
2 Replies
Member
(@rooze)
Joined: 5 years ago

Active Member     United States of America, Oregon, Eugene
Posts: 6

Thank you. And yes the universe has a hell of a sense of humor!

Reply
Silver
(@charee)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     Canada, Hawarden, SK, Canada
Posts: 219

What a beautiful you...thanks for that April
Namaste'
n huggles
Char

Reply
Posts: 219
Silver
(@charee)
Reputable Member     Canada, Hawarden, SK, Canada
Joined: 6 years ago

Beautiful!!
The hardest thing for some of us to be is authentically "me". unashamed, unhindered by others opinions, unwavered from our focused destination of authenticity.
I see a strong, courageous, determined person in this article and if I were the wind, I would be fully under you hairy wings buddy; Keep On!!
Aaaan thaaank you for being exactly who you are!

Namaste'
n huggles for you my friend
Char

Reply
1 Reply
Member
(@rooze)
Joined: 5 years ago

Active Member     United States of America, Oregon, Eugene
Posts: 6

Thank you, Char!

Reply
Posts: 1
Member
(@carrielynn)
New Member     United States of America, Colorado, Denver
Joined: 6 years ago

I, too, recently renewed my DL. Until I walked up to the clerk I forgot that Colorado has the “X” option and I did not ask until it was all done. Opportunity lost, but not all is lost, as I also forgot to take my DD214 so I could get my veteran status, too. At some point in the near future I will go spend $28 and redo my license.

You are a brave human. While I am also gender non-conforming or gender-queer, I use genderfluid because I go back and forth. When I do, it is 100% masculine or feminine. I have never ventured out in that androgynous, this is me, take it or leave it mode. It would be fun, I think....

Congrats on coming to grips with yourself. You actually sound in your writing and look in your profile picture similar to our couples counselor who has helped me figure out who I am over the past four years. More importantly she helped me realize it is okay to be ME!

Good luck! I hope your next 48 years allow you to enjoy who you have always known you are.

Reply
1 Reply
Member
(@rooze)
Joined: 5 years ago

Active Member     United States of America, Oregon, Eugene
Posts: 6

Thank you.

Reply
Posts: 1
Member
(@janne)
New Member     United Kingdom, Fife, buckhaven leven
Joined: 5 years ago

Decided to that I am fed up with silicone boob's so taking hormones to grow my own

Reply
Posts: 718
(@cloe-anne-webb)
Honorable Member     United States of America, Virginia, Fairfax
Joined: 6 years ago

THIS IS ME!!! I'm reminded of a MASH TV episode where Frank Burns is challenging a local Korean man who was a regular in camp to prove his identity. The man had no papers and exasperated he just answered "This is me". Finding out who we are for ourselves is something even cis people go through, but when things don't line up to the reflections the world provides it become monumentally more difficult for us. The "paper identity" is just a reflection of someone elses thoughts and perceptions at a point in time. I yearn for a world where the "discovery of me" is fostered within ourselves and not molded by someone else's notion of who we are or should be.

Keep allowing yourself to find out more of who you are. It is self care and This is you!

Reply

©2024 Transgender Heaven | Privacy | Terms of Service | Contact Vanessa

Login to Transgender Heaven

Log in with your credentials

Forgot your details?