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Tony/Toni

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Posts: 164
Topic starter
(@mustangtoni)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Joined: 12 months ago
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OMG! I forgot to wipe off the lipstick! It was the thought I had as I stood in line at the convenience store waiting to pay for my gas that morning. There was also that time when I happened to look down at the floor, and there was my eyeliner lying there; whoops. Explaining how ladies' panties ended up in the dryer (not my wife's) took some real creative explaining.

When I look back over the years, at how deep and dark it was in that closet, the purging of really nice clothes and shoes. Oh, the shoes. The constant fear of being found out and then finally that moment coming out to my wife and that dreadful day of fighting, crying, and heartache, along with over a year of “conversion therapy” (in the attempt to save my marriage). It's no wonder I'm still in therapy today (but now it's good). Like so many of those like us, I knew I was different at a young age. Trying on my mother, my sisters, and even my grandma's clothes in private and feeling confused and guilty of a crime. The feminine feelings ebbed and flowed over the years. I got married to a lovely girl at a young age hoping to put the girly feelings behind me for good. I had some success, but the feelings would always come back.

I lost my wife of 46 years two summers ago to a heart attack and after about a year Tony was well on the way to becoming Toni. One thing for me has been the duration of my journey as I approach 70 years, things have finally come into focus! I wish sometimes I would have figured it out sooner, but I'm glad in now finding that inner peace I had been missing my whole life. I came out completely to everyone last year, friends, relatives, and customers who have now met the new Toni. I must say, on the whole, it has been a blessing. However, I was kicked out of my church, I've lost contact with some relatives, and a few “friends,” and the relationship with my brother and mother is especially strained, but we can still talk on the phone.

For me, getting rid of my guy clothes was a huge step, but a truly liberating one. Going "full-time" was challenging at first, but somewhat surprisingly positive. Living without the guilt and shame has been so refreshing. I will say that I've received some odd looks and a sideways glance or two but on the whole, it's been fine. Maybe because I look like someone's grandma. Being aware of one's surroundings and planning where to go (maybe the corner biker bar isn’t a good choice) has worked out well so far for me.

Some days are harder than others. As I travel on this journey, the further I go the more convinced I am that it was the right choice. Every day, I am coming to know and love myself more fully. All I can say is; to be yourself. One is not being selfish by wanting to live one's life as one sees it. What's selfish is others demanding that we live according to their standards of dress or conduct. The golden rule has never been more needed than now! Treat others as you would wish to be treated.

Love to you all,

Toni

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9 Replies
Member
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member     Canada, Ontario, Renfrew
Posts: 198

Amen sister.

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Member
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member     Canada, Ontario, Renfrew
Posts: 198

Like the sand in an hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Lol i

Ive always wanted somewhere to say that!  Lol 

often we hear others asking for insight as to how to, or what’s it like, or how do I. Easy, just be yourself and figure it out as you go. There is one common denominator however, the more you try the better you get.  Each of us has a story. Large portions of those stories have a lot of similarities, the thrill of heels, purging, etc. but somewhere in our stories we have something unique to us. How we handle various situations, how we think to solve issues, how we accept ourselves, how we understand ourselves, and how we feel inside about who we are. There is no one cookie cutter solution to any issue and that’s ok. the important thing is, we try to stay positive even in the low times and work through whatever it is that confronts us. Learn to accept who we are and recognize the changes in our future, if any, that will impact our lives as well as others’ lives. At some point in the future hopefully, you, like me can learn to have fun with it all most days and smile inside knowing who you are is ok.

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(@mustangtoni)
Joined: 12 months ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Posts: 164

HeyJill. Thank you so much for the encouraging and wise words at least we can say this journey we are on is an interesting one my best wishes and a big hug go out to you

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Ambassador
(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1771

@mustangtoni

Hi:

Glad that things are going well for you! As is said:

The longest journey begins with the first step.

To me, that means that perhaps the important thing is the decision to start. Many here have said that they wished they had started transition sooner. However, I’ll put a different slant on that.

The question is, if we had started sooner, would we have stayed the course? I suspect that in many cases we might have been put off by the Fear of the Unknown. Never having transitioned before, we don’t really know what lies on the other side. Also, we may underestimate the strength of societal, peer or family pressures. They are powerful and very scary forces.

Anyway, the point is that had we started transition at an earlier age, the outcome might not have been what we were hoping for.

Also, regarding Conversion Therapy, believers in the process need to see this:

https://bornperfect.org/former-ex-gay-leaders/

It begs the question: What do they know that believers don’t?

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(@mustangtoni)
Joined: 12 months ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Posts: 164

@flatlander48 dear Deann thank you so much for the encouraging words and providing the article on conversion “therapy “ it is so true  oh btw did you see the movie Ferrari? I thought it was pretty good. My best wishes to you

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Ambassador
(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1771

@mustangtoni Yes, I did see FERRARI on Christmas Day. First time I have done that. Unfortunately many claim that the racing scenes were “inaccurate”. People forget that is it a MOVIE and not a DOCUMENTARY! Also, the de Portago crash was as it happened. Michael Mann consulted a historian at Ferrari and learned a lot about the crash, the Mille Miglia and the company at the time.

Anyway, this added to my count of Winning, RUSH, Ford vs Ferrari, LeMans, To Please a Lady, Bobby Deerfield, The Big Wheel, Days of Thunder, Stroker Ace, Greased Lightning and maybe a few more that escape me at the moment. Also, I have a copy of Superspeedway. It is a Very Good documentary.

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Member
(@jackieuk)
Joined: 4 years ago

New Member     United Kingdom, Hampshire, Southampton
Posts: 2

@mustangtoni I am now 70 and transitioned at 63 so you are never too old to do it. In the end, for me, it was a a choice of transitioning or going deeper into depression. The last major mountain was GRS which I had over 3 years ago. All in all it was the right decision for me.

Since last year I became semi-retired. I now volunteer for organisations that support and help trans people. I get a real buzz from helping others on their journey.

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(@mustangtoni)
Joined: 12 months ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Posts: 164

@jackieuk hey Jackie.  Thank you you encourage me so much it’s great that you. Volunteer. I want to get involved in the trans community this year as well.  I’m thinking about srs in the future. But it kind of scares me

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 Lir
Member
(@inuyasha)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Canada, Alberta
Posts: 90

@jackieuk 

That's awesome! I'm always hearing stories about people transitioning around 16 - 25 years old and I was feeling like I don't fit in since I'm starting in my 30's. It's nice to hear stories about people who transition that are older than me. It's good that your depression has improved!

 

That's probably the best way to get a buzz! 🙂

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Posts: 187
Ambassador
(@reallylauren)
Reputable Member     Canada, British Columbia, Victoria
Joined: 2 years ago

Hi Toni,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.  Like you, I knew at a very young age that I was different. At the age of three I knew I was supposed to be a girl, that knowledge never left me and was always in the back of my mind. I managed to marry a pretty gal and we raised two kids even while the knowledge that I felt I was female lingered in my thoughts. I told my wife before we married that I had a feminine side and she was okay with it. She passed away in early 2015 from cancer.

I met another pretty gal, we became good friends and got married. Shortly after, I developed cardiac issues and had to have open heart surgery. It was while recuperating from that surgery that I looked at my life, all the times I spent dressed in, what I considered "my clothes", and realized I must be transgender, and several months later I came out to my spouse with that announcement. She suggested that I needed to find my own place so she could have time to think about our relationship. She was actually quite supportive and wanted to see my shoes, makeup and even helped me with bras. She helped me find a place and move, hugged me real tight, said it was hard and cried. A year later I found out that I am intersex, which explained my rather feminine physical traits and how I always felt. My spouse accepts me as an intersex female, doesn't want a divorce but we will remain separated for the time being. She is totally fine going out with me for dinner, shopping, and anything else. She says, "you're a woman, you're pretty, nobody knows different, I wouldn't go with someone who looked like a guy in a dress."

I had to find a new church, and found out who my true friends were. Some of my friends said they always knew I was feminine, which was my story in my school years. All my school mates were girls, and many said they knew. I actually came out, and transitioned where I work. The staff is almost all women, and many said they weren't surprised at all, that they saw I was transgender. I have always been able to speak in a feminine voice and inherited many of my mom's physical and facial features, so working there as a woman has been very easy and I am accepted, appreciated and affirmed as a woman.

I wish you well as you continue on your feminine journey 🙂

Hugs,

Ms. Lauren M

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1 Reply
(@mustangtoni)
Joined: 12 months ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Posts: 164

Dear Lauren. Thank you so much your heartfelt words it seems we are all heading down this bumpy road of life together hanging on it means so much to me to hear from my sisters who are also on this journey I would love to meet you some day. My biggest hugs to you Toni my

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Posts: 909
Managing Ambassador
(@michellelarsen1)
Noble Member     United States of America, Virginia, Front Royal
Joined: 5 years ago

Toni, very heartwarming article. Having the knowledge of who you are is extremely empowering. Hugs, Michelle

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Posts: 592
(@terria67)
Honorable Member     United States of America, California
Joined: 6 years ago

Hi Toni,

Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story...many of us can relate to what you have experiaenced.

Terri Anne

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1 Reply
(@mustangtoni)
Joined: 12 months ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Posts: 164

Thanks Terri Anne for your support and kind words we are all on this journey of self discovery to one extent or another hugs

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Posts: 86
Silver
(@misstranslation)
Trusted Member     United States of America, California, Granada Hills
Joined: 2 years ago

Marvelous post, Toni! We share many points in our story: 1) age (I am 70); 2) long years of denial of who/what I truly was; 3) those painful purges, as I alternated between finding my inner girl and pushing her away in shame and guilt . . .only to restart the cycle some time later; 4) my wife recently passed away after a long bout with dementia; and 5) my wife had also been a good deal less than happy when she discovered "her" (marriage saved, but only after groveling and another long-term purge). Unlike your case, I apparently have suffered no (noticeable) loss amongst friends or family after coming out (my wife, I suspect, would have been a strong nay-sayer, but her dementia by that point apparently prevented her from being upset when "the man taking care of her" morphed into "the lady taking care of her"). As you say, this trip has some ups and downs (but doesn't all of life, generally?), but I have to say mine has thus far been mostly "up." I have had one or two moments of doubt, thoughts of "going back," but those thoughts were banished in less time than it took me to type this sentence. Best of luck and much happiness to you!

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Posts: 164
Topic starter
(@mustangtoni)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Joined: 12 months ago

Dear Dana thank you so much for your encouraging message we do have a lot in common I’m so sorry you had to go through the tough times loosing your wife  I would love to be your friend take care Toni 

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Posts: 3
Member
(@aprilveshowers)
Active Member     Canada, Alberta, Edmonton
Joined: 9 months ago

Hi Toni - first my condolences for your loss. Losing a life time friend and partner is hard. Now on to more buoyant thoughts ... Thank you, Toni and all the wonderful people who posted here. It is so encouraging to hear that thinking about transitioning at my age, 67, is not out of the question. I have slowly feminized my thoughts, my mannerisms, and my body over the decades but I'm at that moment in time of taking that next major step - FHT - to continue on my journey. So, my thanks you to all of you for demonstrating that it can be done!
April!

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1 Reply
(@mustangtoni)
Joined: 12 months ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Posts: 164

Thank you April. It’s so encouraging to hear from sisters as they continue on the journey we all are on you can do whatever you put your beautiful mind to be intentional about enjoying every single day major hugs to you. Toni

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Posts: 11
Member
(@mariagny)
Eminent Member     United States of America, New York, Yorktown
Joined: 4 years ago

Thank you for that share. I admire your bravery in the face of all the adversity: you wife's passing, your family issues from coming out, loss of your Church, etc.

Be well, take care, and be blessed!
~ Maria

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1 Reply
(@mustangtoni)
Joined: 12 months ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Posts: 164

@mariagny  Maria. Thank you so much for your kind  words everyday brings its own troubles and small victories we are all along for the ride so Let’s make the best of it all  wishing you well Toni

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