Trusting You, Trust...
 
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Trusting You, Trusting Me

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(@charee)
Reputable Member     Canada, Hawarden, SK, Canada
Joined: 6 years ago
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Over the years I have felt as though I could only expose Char to people with whom I felt safe and trusted. If I felt unsure or afraid I would simply slink back into the shadows and remain unseen and unheard.

Moving to small town in Canada twenty years ago was a huge decision for me simply because the area I was moving to, now my home, was filled with “good ol' boys”. That’s not intended in any way to be negative. It’s just that the majority of folks around here are farmers, welders, ranchers and so on.

Many with hands big enough to easily crush a skull. Women who are used to throwing 80 to 100-pound hay bales around. Not many slightly built, prissy and feminine men around and in fact, not many gentle and delicate women either. All in all, these folks are a hearty stock of physically intimidating people who are built tough to survive the hard living of farming and heavy equipment operating.

I am not that. I was once told years ago that on Oprah’s swish-o-meter, I was an eleven!

So, what’s this got to do trust? Well, when I first landed in this small town I looked around and saw the people. I saw what I described above and began forming a story in my mind. The story basically said: if I expose delicate Char to these rough and tumble hard working folks, Char may become an endangered species rather quickly.

I imagined burning crosses in my front yard, things being thrown through the bay window and nasty stuff being spray painted on the outside walls of the house I was sleeping in.

In fact, I created some incredible stories that quite literally scared the bejeebers out of me to the degree that I kept the black out curtains closed, the door locked 24/7 when I was home, and I would sit silently in my room waiting until who ever was knocking at the door had left.

Fast forward a few years and a knock on my door; this time, dressed authentically I acted before I could change my mind and in one smooth action, I swung the door open. There stood one of the local good-ol' boys. He asked me, on behalf of the locals, if I would be interested and willing to run for Mayor of our small town. What??? Me? Are you kidding me?

The long and short of it is he was serious, I said yes, served and eventually stepped down, but in this process, I learned something profoundly beautiful and freeing for me.

I learned that the story I had told myself was simply one I had made up about the locals, and it was a total lie; no truth to it at all! The feel was real but the why, was a lie!

The fear, though it felt very real to me, was something I had created by myself, by telling the story that I was in danger if I was authentic and exposed as the local cross-dresser/trans. Basically, I thought and talked myself into being scared to death to step out my own door dressed nicely.

It has taken me several years to untangle my mind in that regard. Now I am free to be me because I have changed my mind. The trust was not that “they” might do something mean, that was the story I had made up, but rather that “I didn’t trust myself” to be able to take care of little prissy Char should anything nasty actually happen.

Just for the record, nothing bad ever has happened with these folks. I have come to understand that we, at times, make up a story in our mind based on other stories we have heard and maybe mixed it in with some facts to instill fear in the self. Due to not trusting my adult self to handle a situation well, I created a story so terrifying, and appearing to be about “them” that I actually created years of my own suffering and anxiety.

What is a story you are telling yourself? Is it one that empowers and supports you in your expansion to becoming or is it a story that isolates you and causes you to hide behind black out curtains and locked doors? Push the reset button this week and change your mind by telling yourself empowering, uplifting and supportive stories.

Thank you so much for reading.

Namaste’

Char

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(@dasiathephoenix)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Minnesota
Joined: 6 years ago

I tend to do the 50/50 perspective these days. Sometimes I tell myself what cisgender folks might think of me as I bear witness to it. What I don't know, I sometimes make up based on how I see it. It never keeps me in the house, but it does limit where I hang out, where I work, and even where I volunteer. Transphobia is real, it's criminal in my state, and is pervasive enough to warrant anxiety. Thing is it's been illegal here for 26 years. It's part of my destiny, I think, to have those run-ins, to pursue justice for myself and as many as I can. I have noticed one thing, like you have, about cisgender folks. They are human. Even the hate group types, the ones that are part of groups pushing bills to limit our existence, can be kind, loving, and interested in listening to transgender folks' concerns. When I was a house cleaner I met many cisgender folks like that. You're right, Char, not all cisgender folks want us to suffer. I do wish those with a heart would get out and protest, change the horrible transphobic laws, and even research us so they know what's being done is criminal and no deity would approve of their actions. As I sit here today, after four years of transitioning, begging my friends and family for help to un-do what their and others' transphobia has done to my credit, finances, health, well-being, and my goals I'm reminded of what you mentioned. They're not all bad.

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(@charee)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     Canada, Hawarden, SK, Canada
Posts: 219

Awe Thaanks Dasia, yeah it's true not all are mean spirited; I have met very few, actually, only two or three now, who are intentionally mean and attacking whether verbally or otherwise.
Most I find are more afraid of us than anything, simply from lack of understanding and the stories they have been taught through the media and other sources.

Now, read this part carefully lol
I am grateful for Trump! Now I know many of you might think omg Char's off the rocker now for sure, but hear me out...He is the hitler our time; an aggressive oppressor and uninformed tyrant, or is he?

Only when we (people) have had enough, of anything, do we stop doing it. Eating ice cream, sex, dancing, working it doesn't matter. Only when "we've had enough" do we choose something different. Trump has been horrible and is actually "causing a people" to say, "enough"! and then band together as a people, to quell repressive actions...

I absolutely had tears reading the review of Barbara Streisand's concert in New York City yesterday; heart felt Gratitude Barbara! Namaste'

Any group of people, who experience oppression eventually "have enough" and they come together, hopefully in peaceful, ways to stop the oppressors.

It was once a fact that a women could not sit in a bar beside her partner or even vote. Boys and girls had to go in separate doors at grade school when I was a kid.

Oppressors push sooo hard to kill off anything they fear but the truth is, we are all Davids....and Goliath is easily slain, "nicely" or ignored and educated, as I like to do, when we've had enough.

(The more attention we give anything, the stronger it gets)...putting all of our energy into the Vision, not defense, will bring the vision into reality hehe Papa Gandi taught me that 🙂

Facts change; Love doesn't. For example; being gay or simply under the rainbow, or smoking pot, were very illegal here in Canada not so long ago. That's a fact, (then) but not now; enough people came together and said, "we have had enough", and, no thank you, we will not comply.

We choose expansion and equality among all; we will NOT support "your mental illness called ignorance & fear", but here, come learn by watching how acceptance and support is done...in doing so the oppressor may even grow. Miracles do happen! hahaha

Every one of us, every single day, has the choice to support humanities evolution to freedom and peace or, to support the continued degradation of a people and the tyranny of an uninformed mind. I love how Tyranny becomes Tranny by dropping one letter haha A new story about the word tranny? haha

Thanks for being you Dasia; I wish you everything wonderful you can imagine my friend...
Namaste'

n huggles from up north 🙂
Char

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(@dasiathephoenix)
Joined: 6 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Minnesota
Posts: 182

Thanks for the splendid reply, Char! I read it carefully, as I like to think I always do of anybody's correspondence, and I agree and disagree. We Trans folx in America had and have enough problems without those that 45 and the present Republicans brought to the table. I read a lot of history in an effort to understand how humanity got to this point. The current level of financial bliss in first world nations is very new. Only about 100-150 years old at best. Finances have driven the most successful folx to protect their assets. Racism, homophobia, biphobia, bierasure, transphobia, xenophobia, sexism and really any and every irrational fear of anybody different than most (in their respective cultures) seem to be the direct result of financial burdens in a time of economic depression. Perhaps you're right about Ghandi's perspective. I think it has great merit. Sometimes, rather often even, any person will have to fight to survive. Whether that "fight" is a transcontinental march to Washington D.C., asking for funds to survive like I and my partner had to do this week, lobbying for more inclusive legislation, or an outright war ALL of it is valid and very human to do. I've read all of those efforts lead to prosperity in many global cultures, but the non-violent tactics lead to the greatest good for the greatest amount of folx. Gender and sexual minorities movement is a very difficult one, in my opinion, because there's so few of us and we're apart of every culture, every race, every ethnicity. Democracy, the greatest political system ever created (jury's still deciding that in my opinion) isn't even good enough for us since we will never have the number of votes needed to make real and lasting change. Hence, allies. I don't know about you, but trusting folx who don't know much about us but love us or like us isn't a very comforting thought. Makes me nervous waiting for them to finish discussing if our existence has merit or not.

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(@dasiathephoenix)
Joined: 6 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Minnesota
Posts: 182

Ooops let me correct a muddled statement, Char. Joan and I launched a Facebook "Personal Emergency Fund Drive" this week asking for $2,000 so we don't get evicted. We've been struggling hard the last few months and are at our end of solutions phase. We didn't have to march to Washington D.C. physically. We asked Joan's friends and their friends. Btw, I'm amazed at how many folx who didn't even know us, friends of friends, have given more than half of the $800 USD we've received so far. There are supportive allies out there. We're not alone. 45 and the Republicans haven't swayed everyone to their genocidal agenda. 😉

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(@charee)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     Canada, Hawarden, SK, Canada
Posts: 219

Ya know sweetie, it absolutely still messes with my mind how one little "Fear"belief, played on and revisited can turn any human, or Nation, into a murderous mob.

I know we all have a dark side, and I agree with you, it shows up when our physical survival is most threatened...

I have attempted suicide four times now and planned it many, many more. I think for me, I have been to the quiet place and I really don't have any attachment to this life or body. Don't get me wrong, I love my body, especially the new boobs I'm having soon hahaha I jst mean I am not afraid to die and I think that really shifted things for me. Now, when I am threatened, I open my hands, palm toward n up and say, do what you need to, I'm not fighting. Only once I got hit hahaha and it fekkin hurt too haha but all the other times I've been shoved a little or cussed at and they walk away...

I am so blessed to live here and have laws that protect me because I am human, period, I don't think I would be as open as I am if I lived there; I'm not sure I could live there Dasia. I don't settle well with repression and tyranny. I don't hate, but this trumpet guys really pressin de ole noive heea and I'd be marchin til my ass squeaked from muscle build up lol

Now ,,,, whats this fb page? , I'll share it with a few folks I know up here,,,, who knows hehehe i think you can find mine with my zen stone, that's my site too but its not up n running yet; it's currently being built by a V.A. for me. Virtual Assistant..
Didjya like the pics? hehe the pond water is 17C now, that's about 80F, sooo nice, but, i lost a boob in the dive last time, took me a while to find it hahaha no one witnessed thankfully hahaha

okay, On that note, I gotta get for now dear.
Until next time girl
Namaste'
n huggles for ya Dasia
Char

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(@dasiathephoenix)
Joined: 6 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Minnesota
Posts: 182

My dear girlfriend, Char,

I've been to the quiet place, too, on several occassions. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Thankfully, I can say that because of the meds I'm on, that I take to stay alive, I've been enjoying full remission for years, well, mostly. I want to tell you a story. One time, after I came out as pansexual and transgender to my family the first time when I was 19, I tried to commit suicide by stepping out in front of a city bus when they rejected me. I lived with them and didn't have the means to have my own home. I was suffering from a depressive/manic cycle at the time and didn't yet know what that was. This was shortly before, like the day before, the first time I went to the psych ward, or the quiet place if you will. I lived. I didn't know why, it should have worked, but since I lived I decided I would try to live the best life I could. Even if I had to do it but one moment to the next moment. Eventually I got to the point where I was living one day to the next day and, after awhile, years passed and I was still alive. I learned about twenty years later, while dating my partner Joan, that they had journaled about me in the same month and year as that fateful night with a bus. The entry read, "Please God, protect my partner from harm so that one day I can meet and marry them." It floored me when I read it! I don't claim to understand how these prayers, laws of attraction, supernatural, spells or what have you work but I like to believe they do. Otherwise I stay up all night in wonder, ha ha. Char, you and I lived. I see you there, living the best life you can muster. I feel good, better, that you and others see me here, too. I am marooned here. If I could afford to I would probably get a dual citizenship with someplace Nordic like Denmark. I have a massively strong sense of civic duty and feel that humans need to be good to humans. While I've said war is a valid option, as well as any other, it's the last one. I've heard too many vets come back and see no point in war at all. I agree with you that it's abhorrent, I'm just saying I want to survive somehow. I want to be treated well. I've been abused by my family, there is such a thing as transgender child abuse even in this culture, and also by most of my society. It's an acceptable torture for most here and many other places in the world. Whatever... what I want to say to you, my northern sister, is that I am still here. I feel your love, your solidarity, your compassion and I wish I could give you a hug in person but with this keyboard all I can do is say thank you! You can find our Personal Emergency Fund at my partner's FaceBook profile under Joan Anderl. I'm not on the site as it's just too dangerous right now. It allows for far too much of our personal data to be used against us in matters of state(see Ilhan Omar debacle at the US border and it rigged our presidential election), employment, and just in general. I was on it for two years but haven't been on in almost two years. I hear Twitter is more secure. Thanks for your support, Char!

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(@charee)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     Canada, Hawarden, SK, Canada
Posts: 219

You are very welcome my friend...I just saw your message, It's pretty tough to get on here during the week, no time after working a 10 hour day lol
I think I just sent a friend request to Joan hehe I've got to go grab some supper n cuddle my amazing wife, then I'll pop in here n the morning 🙂
huggles for ya Dasia
happy dreams girl
Char

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(@dasiathephoenix)
Joined: 6 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Minnesota
Posts: 182

HUGGLES, CHAR!!!! 🙂

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(@charee)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     Canada, Hawarden, SK, Canada
Posts: 219

hehe 😉

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Posts: 718
(@cloe-anne-webb)
Honorable Member     United States of America, Virginia, Fairfax
Joined: 6 years ago

I was telling myself this same story of the rural area I live in. To be certain I was not very well integrated here to start with as my career did not line up with their world. I knew many of them and that the ones I had met were all kind people who watched out for each other. But, what I had told myself was that it was only for those who "fit in"

So as I went to sell my house I decided to hold an estate sale and with my daughters help I steeled myself for whomever might show up or even for no one. The same fear that had kept me holed up here since coming out was now front and center as a parade of local people came by to see my entire life's stuff was exposed and the trans woman was there to say whatever they might want to.

Nothing.

In fact I found myself having open and honest conversations with empathetic people or just business with others. Not once did I feel intolerance. In fact I managed to horsetrade with a couple of gentlemen to deal with the remaining debris that would ultimately result as my goal was to completely empty my new life of the clutter of the former. Rather than shame, bigotry or hatred I found acceptance and to my shock, confidence.

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(@charee)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     Canada, Hawarden, SK, Canada
Posts: 219

Tears of gratitude Cloe; Thank you for this Dear!

Last week, I received a message via fb messenger. I write a weekly column in one of local news papers, Here's what they wrote:

"Good evening Char! I wanted to say thank you! By sharing some of your truth to the world, I believe it has helped me, the universal awareness, and in that, someone close to me and my heart.
I am not 100% sure of the details of your life but it is fantastic to see you share openly in the paper and also on your fb page!! Even if it is just as it is, for you. Thankyou Char"

When a stranger send a message like this, I am reminded that even lil ole me can make a difference in the world consciousness simply by "being the change".
I imagine a world of peace, tolerance, acceptance and support of every person in becoming...

The stories we tell ourselves sometimes create so much drama. Unnecessary suffering and hardship for ourselves; the opposite is as equally create simply by giving ourselves a new narrative, a new story. I began this process simply by using one affirmation combined with as much emotion as possible! "I Am,,,so happy and so grateful to be surrounded by people who love me, support me and accept me just as I Am...Thankyou" I spoke it outloud, when I was alone of course, but o,re importantly I "felt" the gratitude for "having" that as my reality even though it was just a story...The story is now my reality!

No special skills required to create a new story, just a desire to end the suffering and create happiness.

I am sooo grateful for each of you for your support, kindness, patience and support!

Namaste' Cloe
and huggles too 🙂
Char

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Posts: 17
(@patriciamarie)
Active Member     United States of America, Oregon, Hillsboro
Joined: 6 years ago

Reminds me of Silverton Oregon.
Silverton gives its vote to transgendered mayor

https://www.oregonlive.com/multimedia/2008/11/post_9.html

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Silver
(@charee)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     Canada, Hawarden, SK, Canada
Posts: 219

Hahaha what an awesome story, I love it!! I often call mine "the twins or, the girls" too, so funny hahaha

Thaaank you Patricia. Honestly, the very best part of the article for me was: "The mayor answered the cowboys back in an equally as gruff a voice" haha
I haven't changed my voice at all and I used to sing Merle Haggard songs, 5 hours a night, 6 nights a week for about 22 years of touring hahaha my voice is not "cute" hahaha

Patricia,,, I felt myself let go and give me permission, to "not" feel any concern about doing anything about my voice; thaaaank you for that, I didn't realize I was pondering it way down deep...

Implants are going to happen for me at some point, this I know. I wear the girls everywhere now, mostly in v-neck T shirts.

I am grateful for this Patricia, Thank you Dear

Namaste'
n warm huggles for you Girl
Char

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