When the Dress come...
 
Notifications
Clear all

When the Dress comes off

31 Posts
15 Users
0 Thanks
266 Views
Posts: 243
Managing Editor
Topic starter
(@bmactavish)
Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Joined: 6 years ago
wpf-cross-image

There is so much feeling put into the preparation of becoming the woman we envision. The excitement that builds as a certain time gets closer. It can be the world’s greatest distraction. The hands of the clock moving at a speed slower than snails on a glue trap… Many have the luxury to dress daily or frequently, while others must calculate, plan, adapt, and be ready for heartache when plans go awry for a special day.

So many have shared their stories, their personal excitement and successes. You can read about them in the article archives. I want to explore the feelings after the dress comes off, the makeup is removed, and our inner-woman is once again pushed down into the place we hide her.

My life is infinitely better for having my feminine side. Way back, it didn’t feel as such. The instant the dress came off, I might have tossed it, and the recently purchased shoes, into the trash. I would go through the shame, guilt, and futile promises of “never again.” It was as bi-polar as it could get. The buildup, the excitement, the living in the fog of the moment… and then… it ended. I’d hate myself, what I did, and what it meant to MY (perceived) life. It would take a while for the negativity to dissipate. And yet… I found myself better mentally after it did. I was happier and more settled, even focused on the tasks that I needed to do. But…

It wouldn’t be long before that itch pricked my brain, and I would spend waking and sleeping thoughts on when the next time would be. The plotting and planning to buy that next pair of high heels and what to wear with them. This cycle would continue over most of my younger adult life. It never “clicked” for me; that it was the gaps afterward that were the problem. Shutting out a very important part of myself created the tension that needed to be satiate. It took a divorce and another failed relationship to see that I was the ultimate problem in the equation.

Taking off the dress and putting/ tossing it away was a momentary pause to the bigger issue not addressed. I have a feminine side that is never going away. It can’t be eradicated, destroyed, convinced, challenged, or ignored. I didn’t know or understand it, but she did. And she is very persistent. Eventually, I came to understand why she is so important and to recognize that together as one, we are a much better individual. I still have my anxiety about what the world will think of me if she is exposed. Although, that feeling continues to be less threatening to me.

Today, I appreciate the opportunity to put on the dress, and I take special care when it is taken off. Reverently, I set it aside for the next time. Oh yes, I know there will be a next time and another one after that. I’m blessed in that I start most of my mornings giving way to my feminine side. It’s not about becoming passable (I rarely do makeup) or living off the pent up excitement dressing once meant to me. It is instead the bringing together of my particular unison. The exploration and the completion of myself. I can honestly say now that having to take off the dress is more likely to make me sad as I feel a greater pull toward my femininity these days. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like my male side; I just find more comfort and connection with my feminine self. This blend, this union, whatever you wish to make of it, it has helped me to find more peace within.

I hang up the dress, stow away the nylons, shoes, and wig until tomorrow. It’s rare that it is longer than a couple of days (only because the male world had a hook in me) before I am me again. Yes, me is wearing the dress, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Typing with my acrylic nails (sometimes extra-long) always makes me smile. Brushing the wig-hair out of my eyes and seeing the lip-gloss stains on my coffee cup feels right. I’m not acting, playing a role, or even trying to pretend; I’m just being me. I’m also me when the pants and guy clothes go on so that I may blend into the world and what it expects of me. Little does it know that I’m no longer an either-or.

Not only has my mindset adjusted, so has my body. The maleness smartly hacked away to offer more in conjunction with the feminine perception. My morning ritual would be more acquainted to womanly than manly. I still shave, only now to keep my face more neutral and less huntsman. My normal scent is citrus (shampoo and body wash), I use a neutral cologne, deodorant, and body lotion and have long stopped worrying if others notice. (They don’t care, and neither do I!) My jeans are women’s (men’s don’t fit right—but is that my perception, my feminine perception, or just a reality?) Who cares? I like the fit better, but I miss the deep front pockets… My natural nails are longer, the hair on my arms trimmed and shaved back, torso as well. I wear women’s underwear (I do keep a few male pairs around for guy trips—fishing.) Why do men like boxers? I never did… but is that my femininity at play? I can’t help but wonder how many men would give up their standardized clothes once they started wearing women’s attire? It just fits and feels so much better. Women are always right.

My wish for all of you is simple. I hope you find your own peace. We have a life to live, and sometimes it demands a certain obedience. The consequences can be harsh for not following procedures. I get it, and so do your sisters in arms. My hope is that the next time you take off the dress, you’ll consider what it might really signify. Not the end of an experience, but rather the connecting bridge to becoming a more contented you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a feminine side, or in its expression. For me, that dress is a lifesaver. What is it for you when the dress comes off?

Be well, be happy, and be amazed by the little things that surround you…

Until next time,

 

Brina

Reply
30 Replies
Posts: 186
Ambassador
(@reallylauren)
Reputable Member     Canada, British Columbia, Victoria
Joined: 2 years ago

Thank you Brina for a very heartfelt and thoughtful article. 

Reply
1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 243

Anytime! Thanks for the compliment 🙂

Reply
Posts: 74
Member
(@farmgurl)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Louisiana
Joined: 2 years ago

Thank you for your thoughts. You put so much into your post.It causes me to think and draw deep into my life and how I act and react. Much reflection.
Shiloh

Reply
1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 243

Thank you for the response. Getting others to think is a great compliment!

Reply
Posts: 22
Guest
(@Tia Tracy)
Eminent Member
Joined: 4 years ago

Very well put Brina. This brought me back to my earlier days of finding myself and said what I could not say. The buying of clothes and tossing them as to not leave any trace of who I really am. So many times I wrote off my earlier days of experimentation as normal. "All kids do this" I kept telling myself. That if I was female I would've been born female. Well we all know how that turned out.. Thanks for such a candid view of the feminine side of us all. Huggz Tia

Reply
1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 243

Thanks for the kind words, Tia! 🙂

Reply
Posts: 1
(@emerginggoddess)
New Member     Canada, Alberta, Edmonton
Joined: 2 years ago

Thank you for writing and sharing this wonderful piece.

Reply
1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 243

Thank you! 🙂

Reply
Posts: 57
(@jessica037)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Tennessee, Clarksville
Joined: 2 years ago

Wow. The only way I relate to this is the hiding and the release of the pent up ... almost rage ... of having to pretend to be a boy, when I'd get my dress time. And sometimes I'd have a good enough hiding spot so I could keep my favorite pieces of clothing, but other times I'd be startled, almost caught and throw them out. Sometimes people would find it. Never in MY things mind you, but I'd lose them. And always guilt? I hated that part almost as much as I hated my body. I don't have a feminine "side"...I just AM female. I am completely disgusted with everything physically male about me. If you can imagine what that does to a girl's mind. Lol, I'm a MESS. But your post has made me see an interesting point of view. And I think it's wonderful how you've learned to embrace both sides. Are you going to transition? I ask because you mentioned that your feminine side is dominant. Well..thanks for this. I hope you never hide her again. 💕

Reply
1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 243

Lots in there! Thanks for the comments and for sharing your sentiments. I don't hate my male side, so I have no idea on transition other than I know I wish to be more feminine and present it more. How that happens...I might run out of time before the final answer. I don't see a clear path and it is one where multiple forks are present.

Reply
Posts: 97
(@middleground)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Ohio, Ashland
Joined: 3 years ago

Brina,
Dressing in feminine attire and using makeup seems comforting and natural, natural in that it is what was right for me from the very beginning of my life. It fills me up with emotional good stuff.
I'm now not inhibited to dress femininely whenever I wish, but there are times, like now, when I have loose male jeans and shirt on and I don't care. They are just lounging clothes, clothes that ciswomen often wear without ridicule. So, I feel comfortable in anything I wear, but I do admit the makeup and fem clothing complete my spirit and make me feel whole.
Thanks for your article.

Reply
2 Replies
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 243

Thank you for sharing. I agree that my mind is different today in my self-perception. I don't need the clothes to be me, but they enable me to whisk away the male and complete the feminine within on the outside.

Reply
Member
(@middleground)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Ohio, Ashland
Posts: 97

Oh, I enjoy wearing pretty things and have fun picking out what I will wear. I craved putting all the nice stuff on and trying to look very feminine. I still wish to look my very prettiest but I'm now at a place in my journey where I'm okay with chilling out, knowing I'm well along to getting where I should have been all along..
As I try to understand all which I've felt and acted on, I partially feel that I'm trying to make up for lost time. All though I'm 67, I feel I missed out on much, much of what a cis woman naturally gets inculcated in as they progress from child to teen to adult.

Reply
Posts: 6
Member
(@jojo2022)
Active Member     United Kingdom, West Yorkshire, Leeds
Joined: 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I too used to feel guilt and feel ashamed of myself. As a teenager I went through cycles of trying to suppress my true self and on a couple of occasions I would purge my collection of clothes and shoes. However, the more I tried to hide my true self, the more depressed I became and it really affected me. My mental health was shattered and it was in my mid 20’s that I started to have suicidal thoughts. It was at that point that I finally started transition and accepted myself for who I am. These days I no longer have those feelings of guilt or shame, but reading your post made me remember how hard it was for me and all those other people out there in the same situation.

Reply
1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 6 years ago

Reputable Member     United States of America, Iowa
Posts: 243

Thank you for sharing the hard part of your life. I'm happy for you and I hope others will benefit from your words! 🙂

Reply
Page 1 / 2

©2024 Transgender Heaven | Privacy | Terms of Service | Contact Vanessa

Login to Transgender Heaven

Log in with your credentials

Forgot your details?