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Where am I at?

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Trusted Member     United States of America, Wisconsin, Fort Atkinson
Joined: 4 years ago

I am Timmie, that much I know, I found her sitting in a deep deep hole, when I saw her for the first time I looked at her and said, “I'm so sorry, if I am seen helping you out I will get in trouble and people will say bad things about me”.

You see, I am already in trouble with my wife and kids, and also the law. I am walking a tightrope as of right now, trying to stay clean from an addiction to pills and living alone. I have never lived alone in my entire life, living with mom and dad, living with my brothers and then with my wife and kids to be alone. Living alone has been so hard for me which has been amplified and feeling left out of my family

Divorce papers

For a nice change, today was a fun day as I went to my wife's house to go over our divorce papers. I gave her everything that we have built up over a 40-year marriage, and you know why? Because that is what I believe a person does when you tear apart a family; one, because you love them, two, you feel the blame for the whole situation. Do you know what I said to my wife while there? “I'm so sorry” - I immediately started to cry, but held back the emotions and tried not to. I explained that we were broken before I had transitioned and Kitty, my wife, replied - “you divorced me 10 years ago”. But that's not completely true as we still did things together and had fun. Kitty’s has softened her view of our past now. I know without a doubt, that it has been almost 2 years since I got arrested and have broken the addiction to pills that has allowed me to understand my life and self in a much better and positive way.

Later that day a sudden thought and realisation brought me to a new understanding of myself and my life. I have always been the one to say I'm sorry. Most of the time it was that I had simply forgotten to do something. I didn't write it down or wasn't what Kitty had in mind, or I just did something without asking her opinion and did it, and/or, lied about it no matter how big or small, or I would hide my pills or my girly things. But, the best of all was getting caught wearing panties. Each time I would get caught in the closet, yes - I purged it all! And then, Oh No? - followed by, It will never happen again. Does that sound about right, yeah!  How about all the shame that was put on yourself then? I never said that I was a saint, by no means, but I feel I'm a good person, but I did things that I'm not proud of.

The power of sharing

You may be thinking right now, how come I am putting so much personal stuff out there? I share this with the belief and hope, that we are all people who can sometimes relate to experiences that describe others lives, it can allow others to know they are not alone.  I have made new friends in this way and know it’s possible for others to also. When I write my article, you will read it on a screen, but I am talking to you at the same time, although you cannot hear my voice. For me, it’s a way to express my feelings and get things off my mind, but it may help another in some way. help from that person, or just one of my many friends here.

When I began to write this tonight, it went in a different direction than I had imagined at the start. It’s 2:30 am right now and I couldn't sleep. I had been feeling sorry for myself, even saying that I'm sorry to myself, not for what I did though. No, it's for not doing what I need to in helping myself. I believe what I am doing for Kitty and the Kids is right, and what I'm doing for myself too.

This road I am on has are so many people on it, that will never understand why, what, or how come, at this age, and what about the family! To the person I see as myself, I say; I like this person, I really like her, I have never had a real chance to know her, and if you give her a chance I think you will like her too.

I am very grateful to be able to express my thoughts, feelings and understanding here, or just be able to tell you a little bit more of me, as I get to know her too, I thank you all.

Finally, I wish to say, Hi to Babygirl. I hope all is well and I love you!!!!

Love, peace and GOD bless to you all

PS: I hesitated to join the site at first, due to the cost, plus everything else going on in my life, not forgetting damn covid! Money gets tight but I manage, I am so glad I am here. I wish to thank Vanessa and Dawn J for your welcome to me when I first stopped by here. Because of you both, I came back to learn more and became a member.  I can honestly say, that the women and men here are such a wonderful group, I wish that one day, everyone finds their true path and gets to have the life that they are seeking.

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