Why Am I So Afraid ...
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Why Am I So Afraid to Tell My Wife?

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Posts: 1
New Member     United States of America, Virginia, Richmond
Joined: 5 years ago

While i have a husband we are separated so i do not have to deal with telling him. I on the other hand have ex in laws in my life that dont accept it. I am actually moving to a different city so i can live my life without their criticism. They are very against transtion. My mom supports me. Thats all i need.

Posts: 98
Estimable Member     United States of America, Massachusetts, Boston
Joined: 5 years ago

Hi Christina I am not a therapist I will admit I have been therapy for many years. I was diagnosed with dysphoria 10 years ago. I take medication it helps alot. I am also an electrician there is a sever shortage of trades people were I live. The wages keep going up. The amount of work has forced the system to put people my age back in the system. Generally most professionals have to go where the work is. That is true for all trades and professionals. I recently have come to understand through so much work and professional help that I am a transgender female. I have come to accept it and I feel so good . Accepting it was my road block. I would not believe it. It had to be something else. Now what do I do with that new information . Believe me I am sooo happy. I have same problem you have I am older my children are grown and have five grandchildren. I have been married 38 years to a wounderful woman. I truly know she would accept me if I told her I wanted to be a dog. She would say ok just do not pee on the carpets and do not bite any one. She would still allow me to sleep in my bed. I am not going to tell her I want to change my gender that best fits my
brain.. I believe she already knows. I am first going to show her who Stephanie is very slowly. How she thinks. What she likes. I want her to fall in love with Stephanie slowly and I believe she will. I do not want my wife to believe I have been lying to her. She would be so hurt . She found some of Stephanie's cloths some years back. I made up some story about exploring my female side. All she wanted to really know was I cheating on her. Answer no and was I gay answer no. I know what I said I thought I was a crossdresser and I was not sure. She was ok with that and gave me a new name I forget it now. But I was Soo embarrassed I sent Stephanie to the deep dark. dungeon for many years . Show your wife who you really are by kindness ,empathy caring, naturing. all those wounderful feminate qualities. You can still provide and make help your family survive you have learnedit. Your therapist does not determine timing she is there to help you understand what went wrong. Sounds like she did her job. Most donnot they donnot have a clue. If there is no work where you are go elsewhere and find work. Make her feel it you Woman want to feel not be told. My wife told me when she found Stephanie's that I have nice taste asked where did I get my style. She did not want anyone to hurt me or make fun of me She told me not to dress stupid meaning over the top or slutty. She even complimented me on my legs. Funny now. Christina take it slow you are in charge. My thoughts are with you much luv Stephanie

Posts: 48
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Trusted Member     United States of America, Virginia, Richmond
Joined: 6 years ago

The reluctance is understandable-no matter how much we may BELIEVE we KNOW how someone will react, we can't truly know until the moment happens. My ex couldn't tolerate dressing at all much less if things progress towards ANY transitioning. As Cloe says below, be sure everything else in your relationship is on a rock solid foundation before trying to add this "complexity" to it. That said, you and your therapist know your situation bst and where you are in your journey. You will know when the time is right.

Posts: 41
Eminent Member     United States of America, Tennessee, Nashville
Joined: 5 years ago

Wow, heartbreaking to say the least! I can feel the difficulty. I doubt I can give the right advice but will shed what I think.
No matter the struggle, if you're having financial difficulties, it's not the right time. DIfficulties like you expressed make people stressed, not just yourself. People around you, those close to you.

I've been married and divorced twice! I came out to both. The 1st totally flipped out! We divorced shortly after, less than a year of marriage. The 2nd initially accepted my dressing as long as I kept it at home behind closed doors. She didn't mind seeing me dressed, but in time she grew tired of me dressed up in bed (nighties, gartered garments, etc.). She wanted 'a man in bed'! After a while, I couldn't enjoy sex w/o being dressed in something, so our sex life dwindled! The last 18 months of our 14-year marriage, we slept separately. We had grown so far apart, divorce was iminent.

I'm not condoning divorce in lieu of your happiness. Divorce is an ugly thing, very ugly. I lost my life after a bitter divorce, twice! It took years to see light again.

If you come out to your spouse, find the right time. If she sees your depression, perhaps she will want to talk about why it is. Assure her you're not trying to be someone you are not (gay). Tell her how long you've felt 'different' and how confusing it is. Communicate, I can't stress that hard enough. Don't hide anything, answer all her questions truthfully. Gain her continued trust. There's a possbility she may support you, albeit limitations. If so, accept them and thank her in every way you can. Show her your love for her understanding.

Posts: 69
Trusted Member     United States of America, Minnesota, Park Rapids
Joined: 4 years ago

I am curious what has transpired in your life since posting this back in 2019.

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