For the last 9 months and 28 days I've been living as a woman all day, every day. At home, at work, and out in the world I am a woman. Whether I'm exercising or relaxing, spending time with friends or alone I am me.
I know that many transgender woman who haven't transitioned long for a few brief hours to express themselves. Like a child before Christmas morning they're enraptured by the experience, and the intoxication of being yourself seeps into your pores like an addictive drug. You might find yourself swinging from highs to lows based on how true you've been to your soul this week, or this month.
I've had a few ladies mention to me that they'd love to present as a woman whenever they want - no doubt anticipating the rapture that authentic living provides. But what does womanhood feel like?
The Resonance
In my experience womanhood feels like nothing. There is no spectacular fireworks display and no mind blowing bliss - merely the harmony of life dancing in time with itself. The song that was sung out of key is now as it should be. The notes in my soul resonate, and create a melody where before there was noise. But the music doesn't overwhelm you with it's presence. This is no rock concert that shocks your system awake. Rather, it's the gentle lapping of waves on the shore - bringing peace, bringing calm. Ultimately it's the backing vocals to the symphony of your life. Enhancing and supporting, never leading.
To me, being a woman feels like the most natural thing in the world. It feels as how everything was meant to be - it's not something special, it's just who I am. My transition hasn't solved all my problems, but it has allowed me to approach them without a cacophony of discordance drowning my life force.
Womanhood feels like nothing, and that's the best thing I could ever have hoped for.
If you've transitioned, how would you describe your feeling of womanhood?
If you haven't, how do you imagine womanhood would feel?
@vanessa It's not just me then! Like anything I'm good at, it seems easy and effortless. I'm full transition, coming up 4yrs. But those 4yrs are the tip of the iceberg that is me, the tip that is now visible to the world. The mass of me below the waterline has been there all along, unseen but the very core of who I really am. Appearing male was hard work, constantly hiding emotions, presenting as a 'man' and being a good male.
Being the woman I am has me calm, content and happy. I need no distractions, the simple things in life give me all the pleasures I need now. Cooking, cleaning caring for others...just reading a book or Vogue magazine without yearning for something I felt was missing.
It's nice to be myself, no acting, no hiding, no yearning...I'm free.
@vanessa I hadn't really thought about it, but nothing fits. Nothing and everything all at the same time. I am not sure what I expected, but suddenly the world was in its proper place. Nothing spectacular or earth shaking, just understanding why so much of my life felt vaguely wrong without having an idea what was wrong. As I slowly learned, questions I had never asked myself disappeared leaving only acceptance and clarity. When I finally came out to the world I knew I was where I was meant to be. I didn't expect to feel different. Why would I? I am the same person I was a decade ago, other than I could look in a mirror and truly love who I saw. Any negativity I my have experienced was irrelevant, nothing. I know who and what I am, I am content. Something and nothing in the same package.
loved it ,i my self am going to start living for time as a women from december ,and you are thinking so will i am a full time member of the
Australian Army so when i go back to work after Christmas holidays i will
be full time women in the army i hope i can speak like the story above
and it all goes well
Yeah, this is what I'd expect. Only a drowning person spends their time thinking about air.
Phew - good luck in the army! I can imagine that's a challenging place to be full time.
Julian, lovely turn of phrase!
I've been fulltime for almost two years. For me the biggest change was that the mind-chatter vanished overnight. The persistent, inescapable, inaudible but always there head noise saying things like "Be a man; boys don't do that; don't be such a softie" had been a constant stress in my life. It was truly amazing to be suddenly free of it - I no longer had to play at being something I wasn't. I could finally be the someone I AM without guilt or conflict. And yes, it felt so natural that it felt like ... well, nothing.
Great description Stephanie!
Sometimes I use the analogy that before there was constant static in my mind, and afterwards everything got quiet, so for the first time I could enjoy and appreciate life.
It has been since April for me. Dealing with gatekeepers for years before that (and they're a large factor of why it was for years) caused that moment to have a wonderful sense of relief that after so many years of being forced to bow to the whims of the gatekeepers for poor treatment that was meager progress I had attained something very important, done so for myself, and done so in a way that meant they could never take that away from me or deny me that.
Oh my goodness hon - I would've gone crazy if I had to wait years, as it is I'm just barely clinging on to get my final op a year after I went full time.
Congratulations dear! I'm so glad you got through it!
