Womanhood, feels like... nothing

I envy you on being on track for surgery. It is financially out of reach at this time for me and I cannot guess when that will change. This was something of which I was aware years ago, though, so I set about figuring out how to deal with it - what would I do if I am never able to have surgery? I decided it was still the right thing for me to do.

IMHO, the delays did have an advantage - I had nothing but time to think. Many (though certainly not all) of the things others have reported dealing with after social transition weren't so for me for that reason. It was similar about my first day at work; I was not at all nervous probably because I had stood before those coworkers three business days previous and told them that I was transitioning.

Hang in there hon - I'm proud of you for finding meaning within the adversity! You'll get there eventually dear.

Been full-time for over two years, birth certificate in my new name (but old gender still) in July 2009 marked the beginning although work and church caught up some months later. You and some other readers have expressed the feeling of womanhood well. I ditto that - even the bad days now have a background peace that makes the day alright anyway, and the problems more manageable.

There is a difference though - we've never experienced or had to manage the joys of the reproduction aspect of womanhood, not even managing when it doesn't work as it should. That aspect has been largely invisible to us and yet it unspeakingly links genetic women in a way we'll never know. Conversations with women happen more naturally now, about family, hair, to name a couple, but I wonder about whether there's an unspoken assumption that I know what bad cramps or heavy periods are like, or about the routine of taking a pill or risking pregnancy.

Hey Julie,

Congrats on starting your journey!

I fret about that sometimes - that I'll never fully know what it's like to be a woman. I'll never have a girlhood. I'll never get pregnant. To be honest, I'm okay with not knowing PMS 🙂 Though I'd exchange PMS for the ability to get pregnant any day of the week. And twice on Sundays.

Heh, I had my first period conversation a few months back. As you say, it was awkward...

Vanessa,

I agree after I started my full-time journey four years ago, everything just fell into place like it was supposed to be. It didn't really feel any different, it just felt natural and finally right.

Like Julie I too have my documents done (except for that one little marker).

I guess I was blessed by having two older sisters because last year when I was with a group of ladies and the conversation turned to pregnancy and periods it wasn't awkward at all for me. I basically just went with the flow.

I too would gladly exchange this birth defect for PMS and the ability to get pregnant any day.

Vanessa.....love your take on womanhood. Girl.....I wish I had 1/1000th of your skill at stating how you feel. Your are an inspiration to me. Love you!

Dame Veronica

I love your description. I went full time in February. In many ways, I feel much the same as I always felt. I'm still me. I'm happier. I love myself now; I didn't before I knew who I was.

I suspect that, because of how old I was when I came out to myself, shaking off many old habits of thought and action will be the work of years. My femininity is like a shy child, only daring to emerge in safe spaces, of which there are so few. When I get together with girlfriends, I blossom; being with other women is a safe space for me.

What has changed the most for me are my presentation and the way I interact with other people. It took me many years to learn how to "act male" with others. Now, more and more, I deal with them in a much more feminine manner, which feels natural, as behaving male never did.

Why is this so complicated?

Vanessa,
I too Love your accurate description of womanhood!! I only went full time living as a woman some 7 to 8 months ago and I could not wait, each and every day to leave my house and present as a female. It was very exciting in the beginning but that excitement has slowly become simply contentment with self. A since of calm has taken the place of excitement and I am very happy with the development of my new emotions. Peace and contentment has begun to take the place of anxiety and depression but no longer do I feel excited about becoming Breanne everyday. Don't get me wrong, I love presenting as myself but as you said, there are no fireworks or brass bands in my daily life. Thanks for the wonderful article and description!!

Hugs, Breanna