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Positive outcomes from coming out

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(@adamtoeve)
Active Member     United States of America, Arizona, Phoenix
Joined: 6 months ago

Hello everyone.  Aria here (newbie).  I wanted to ask my fellow forum friends what positive stories you all may have since you came out and started living your true self.  I'm in the self acceptance phase and my mind tends to go full apocalypse trail of thinking when I think about coming out.  It's like a hamster wheel that just goes worst case scenario.  I'm hoping some positive stories can counter act my negative worries.  

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(@jillleanne)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member     Canada, Ontario, Renfrew
Posts: 198

@adamtoeve This is a difficult one for me. I have never made a public announcement about who I am as I have always felt it wasn’t necessary. My life is complex, I am gender fluid. When I wake up I decide who I am and prepare my day that way. I don’t think much about it other than those days I suffer dysphoria and get stuck somewhere in between genders which is mentally exhausting, depressing, frustrating, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I began living my true self after I told my better half about who I am. She accepted me completely for who I am. As she said, we all have one life to live, why not live it and accept the fact we all have something to tell, and share. That was 24 years ago. Life after coming out has become so much different. No pressure, no dreaming, no hiding, no lying,  the inner self simply expresses itself publicly as it feels. It’s a natural feeling that allows me to be who I really am. Surely the excitement has dwindled to a degree in that I don’t get excited expressing my fem self because it’s who I really am, at times. Being out certainly did nothing for my family and friend list. I don’t care. I didn’t care when I came out and I don’t care now. It’s my life to live the way I see fit, not theirs. It’s interesting that I have had to reassess my thinking depending on what gender I am expressing at the time. When expressing my fem self, I have to think differently. Where I go alone, when I go alone, employment issues before retiring, my demeanour, many many things are different. Yes I able to make these adjustments without any effort, but they exist. Women are seen as different than men, by women and men.  Am I happy I cam out? Absolutely. I just wish I could have done it in my early years but sadly, the Catholic Church probably would have had me exorcised. Lol

Today I love me all the time. Before I hated me at times, and couldn’t figure out why. When one learns to fully accept who they are, everything else falls in place.

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(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1770

@jillleanne We all have to figure out what we need to do on an individual basis. There is such a range of personal circumstances that it will never be a cookie cutter process. Each of us has to consider all the variables and solve the equation as best we can to suite.

To illustrate, I will readily explain what I did and why, but in the next breath I will state that I don’t recommend what I did and why. Whatever we decide to do is a unique and personal proposition. It can’t be any other way.

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(@flatlander48)
Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Joined: 5 years ago

Aria:

I moved this to the Coming Out section as the goal is to build a body of information and experiences. If we didn’t the posts would be scattered about and would require searching. Some of the posts relate to your questions.

DeeAnn

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(@adamtoeve)
Joined: 6 months ago

Active Member     United States of America, Arizona, Phoenix
Posts: 7

@flatlander48 thank you deeann!

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(@flatlander48)
Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Joined: 5 years ago

Not a problem. After you have a chance to digest things here, please share your thoughts and plans…

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(@amylove2dress)
Trusted Member     Canada, Ontario, Brantford
Joined: 10 months ago

 These are just a few of my thoughts about your question. To be clear I'm not full time and I had discussion about "coming out" with another person here a few weeks ago. The coming out for me is a long and careful process, and I don't know what it has been like for you.

 For me, I've slowly revealed my femme side select people, my wife has always known, then it was some stores I shopped at as I got to dislike the lie "I'm buying this for my wife", and I started to simply say I'm shopping for myself!

 The advantage I see is that I'm being honest with myself and those around me. The reaction I've got has been overwhelmingly positive, not negativity at all. Who knows what your's might be.

 One of the nicest compliments was when someone said to me about having the courage to be yourself! Not that I think I'm a very courageous person, this is more something I find I HAVE to do.

 However I've been careful with my reveal. My kids and their SO's know and are fine with their rather gender fluid Dad, including my son, some in my extended family I fear might not be, so those I've avoided telling. Also I'm very active in the vintage car community and have for many years, and I worry about lack of acceptance there as well.

 Another point, those who have known you a long time and perhaps think they know everything about you might be more disconcerted to find you have this whole side of you they knew nothing about. Well maybe, as I've heard from others who when they revealed, some said "we figured it out a long time ago!"

 For me, the best thing is the honestly to one's self and to others and to be able to be your authentic self.

 amy

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(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1770

@amylove2dress In the Coming Out section is a thread entitled:

What I Did…

That captures my story.

In general, I think there are 2 things that are paramount.

  1. Put conscious thought into what you want to say and how you are going to say it. Remember that phrase: “You only get one time to make a first impression”? The problem is that just blurting out something is not helpful and often leads to an argument. That’s the last thing you need as it can be very difficult to get back to anything resembling a conversation. You also want to say things in such a way as they will be heard.
  2. Be comfortable in what you are planning to do and say. Being calm and deliberate in what you are saying helps A LOT. If you are not comfortable and confident about what you are saying, probably no one else will be either.
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Topic starter
(@adamtoeve)
Active Member     United States of America, Arizona, Phoenix
Joined: 6 months ago

Well after a lot more therapy and dysphoria growing, I've decided to come out to my best friend at the end of the month.  She will be the first and I'm actually excited to get it out there and grow my support circle.  I plan on coming out to my spouse after February (our anniversary) and hope things will work between us with this new revalation but time will tell.  

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Ambassador
(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1770

@adamtoeve So, timing is one thing, but have you thought about what you are going to say?

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(@adamtoeve)
Joined: 6 months ago

Active Member     United States of America, Arizona, Phoenix
Posts: 7

@flatlander48 with my best friend, I have.  I also have a therapy session before I go so I'm sure I'll have the opportunity to refine it.  For my spouse thats a whole other story.  I'll definitely need to workshop my message with my therapist on that one

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(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1770

@adamtoeve Good. The way things tend to work is that it is best to have an idea of what you want, and need, to say. It can be easy to be thrown off track by a question that you didn’t anticipate, so conscious thought is very helpful. Also the conversation can’t devolve into an argument as people stop listening at that point. People will just not be hearing anything that you say. It is important to convey how you feel and how things sit for you in a calm, straightforward manner.

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Posts: 164
(@mustangtoni)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Joined: 12 months ago

I came out last year I’ve had customers look at me funny to telling me they are happy for me  my two kids have completely embraced my new self with great support  right now I’ve lost some of my relatives including my relationship with my mother. I guess we take the good with the bad 

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(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1770

@mustangtoni The thing is, all we can do is present the information. People will decide what it means for them, what they can support, etc. Some will respond well and some won’t. For some you can predict what their thinking will be and others you cannot.

”You pays your money and you takes your chance.” as the saying goes…

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Posts: 7
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Topic starter
(@adamtoeve)
Active Member     United States of America, Arizona, Phoenix
Joined: 6 months ago

Well I came out to my friend and it went amazingly!  She is super supportive and so happy for me.  We went to brunch after and she took me to all of her favorite shops.  When I come out to my wife in April I know I have my bestie as support.   

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Ambassador
(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1770

@adamtoeve 

I have some suggestions for The Conversation with your wife (in no particular order)…

  • Put some conscious thought into what you are going to say.
  • Think about how to convey what you have felt all these years and the difference between what you did on the outside compared to how it felt inside.
  • Be completely honest.
  • As you are thinking about what you want to say, take notes to capture the bullet items, but don’t create a script. People will wonder if the words are yours or someone else’s.
  • Try to anticipate questions. It helps to avoid being blindsided.
  • Don’t about not having thought of everything. Just be straightforward.
  • Sometimes these situations get messy and angry. Try not to get sucked into an argument as no good will come from it.
  • If things get too involved, call a temporary Cease Fire and allow things to cool a bit.

Anyway, don’t view this as a cookbook. We are all different and our situations are different. Consider the above to be Thought Provokers and adapt to your needs.

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