Three years ago my wife and I talked in depth about my femme self. She gave me acceptance I surely wasn't expecting. eg. "OK, so how can I help you be a happy woman?" Following the advice of "take it slow", I did so. However after about six weeks of mostly subtle and yet some not so subtle feminine expression, I could tell her initial enthusiasm was waning. She was becoming uncomfortable with the ever encroaching femininity of "her man." We talked again and I told her I would stop as it made her uncomfortable. I did and she was visibly relieved.
As we all know ones "transness" is not a phase, rather it is a matter of being. Recently we have had more conversations about my "gender brokenness". She admitted her biggest fear is that I will choose to become a woman. And truly I would love to be Charlene full time, but at this point in time the cost/benefit ratio is weighted against full time
However, I need to express myself as the woman I am is very pressing. As I continue to slowly "make my case" my thought is to assure her that other wives have faced the challenge of their husband's femme essence and have managed. Some are altogether rejecting, others are very supportive to the place of accepting their husband as another woman in the house.
I would like to give her other options.I don't believe she would be at either extreme. But what are other middle ground options that you may have faced with your wife? By giving her some ideas I hope to give her answers, one of which she could choose and we could mutually agree upon so I can freely have time for and as myself. Ultimately I am hoping to take this "baby step" so her comfort level might rise to allow me greater freedom to indeed be, "another woman in the house."
Ladies what has been your and your wive's experience at this point in your journey? Any thoughts or counsel is appreciated. Thank you for helping.
Kindly,
Charlene
I am hesitant to suggest this, as it caused me a lot of heat ache, but there is a book out there that rocked me and my wife too our cores as to marriage and transgender issues. It is by far the best one out there I have found but also you better bring a box of tissues, maybe two, for you and your wife. Actually it is two books, one addresses the issues from the MTF side one from the cis wife side. "My Husband Betty" & "She's not the man I Married" both by Helen Boyd. These of course hit me even harder as I knew half the people she referenced in the books as I had been on girls nights out with them and had hearts to heart with them as well.
Miriya
@miriyaparis
Hi Miriya,
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your concern and desire to help me with your thoughts.
I am familiar with both books you referenced though I have not read either. If they are that powerful I am almost afraid to read them. Do I need something to "rock my world?"
It seems to be one of those catch 22 situations. It frightens me to think that, "Oh my, this might just be the catalyst that moves me forward to a fuller expression of my own womanhood." while on the other hand I sense an inner excitement that rises out of the thought, "Oh my, this might just be the catalyst that moves me forward to a fuller expression of my own womanhood."
Hugs,
Charlene
@charlenev Here is a fun fact, those two books hit me and the wife so hard I actually threw them in the fire place to watch them burn as they did to us. Bought them again later as they will open up the soul of your relationship.
Miriya
@miriyaparis
Miriya, may I say that I am almost afraid to buy them. I'm fear I am not ready for the change they might ignite in my heart. I am not so much afraid of womanhood and living therein as much as I fear the collateral damage that such a decision would inflict on others I love so deeply.
You’re walking such a fine line I have been where you are. I went thru over a year of conversation therapy to try to keep my marriage together and keep my self together it took its toll I suppressed my feminine self to survive . I lost my wife 2 years ago. I’m now living as Toni full time and on HRT I really hope you can find a way to find a way to make things work out , my very best wishes go out to you
Hi Toni,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am sad that you had the pain to endure. I imagine that early transition is a huge stressor with all the changes that it must bring to family and loved ones, but I trust you have found relief and at least some satisfaction with being on hormones and now living authentically.
May your coming days be bright fulfilling many of the dreams you may have had as you contemplated your own womanhood.
I am sure that my own journey will work out. Your encouragement and thoughtfulness will help unto that end.
Kindly,
Charlene
I never came out to my wife. I basically confessed I enjoyed cross dressing which she kind of knew. But basically she went and researched it, being a scientist. She confronted me and said you are actually transgender. I tried to deny it but it was to no avail. She worked it out. She's a brilliant woman and a lovely person. She knew.
But there's no acceptance. I don't blame her. She didn't deserve that.
She remains angry at me. Despite everything, despite our kids she is humiliated.
I'm terribly sorry about that. But honestly it's not fair on me either. I really tried to fit in.
I wasn't pretending. I wanted to be straight.
I hate this situation we find ourselves in .
@mariehart
Hi Maria,
Thank you for taking some time to reply. I am not sure yours is a totally unique situation, but it is not a situation. that I've not heard of previously. i.e. ones wife researching and concluding her husband was transgender.
I agree that no wife "deserves" the situation of her husband; her man being trans, but are there not so many others things or situations that one or the other partner in a marriage doesn't deserve? To be sure there are, thus the importance of committment to ones marital vows. . . . for better or for worse. . .
I understand how being trans can completely unravel a marriage when the condition and its true depths are brought to light. Such revelation scrapped almost 40 yrs of marriage for me because my former wife, upon discovering how deeply engrained my gender incongruity was, decided she could no longer live with a man, "who wanted to be a woman," For her that was, "your problem, you deal with it." And thus she left.
I however don't hate or regret being trans. Why? Ironically my deep Bible rooted Christian faith serves me well. I am fearfully and wonderfully made like this. i.e. trans. I am a person who is trans. That doesn't automatically mean I am a woman, but after years of examining my sense of self for me it means, yes, I am a woman."
Except for the way others treat my (our) condition, how am I (are we) any different than a Downs Syndrome person or from one suffering a severe case of tinnitus? As I see it I am / we are not.
To be sure it is a very difficult condition to live with, but in a very odd and unexplainable way I get excited about the possibility of finally living as a woman who does so in such a way that I, as a full time trans woman, am able affect a change of attitude and perception even in a small way in the general public towards our much misunderstood and oft maligned condition.
Kindly,
Charlene
@mariehart Very poignant but so true. Our lives would be so much easier if we were conforming CIS people. I never wanted this but it is my life and I want to live it to the fullest.
