Many years ago someone lamented the fact that children don’t come with instruction booklets. That’s actually a good thing because as soon as it was published, it would be obsolete. Further, our kids are all different, so the booklet could never contain enough variations.
So, where does that leave us?
There will be many times when we get it wrong. We are human and that will happen. However, in spite of the uncertainty, we shouldn’t allow that to paralyze us into non-action. That would be even worse, because it looks like we don’t care and that is a deadly impression...
There are good men. I know some.
What they are NOT is perfect. Everyone is flawed. But, imperfection doesn’t make someone a bad father.
Everyone has their struggles. Good fathers set an example for their kids as to how to lead, how to be ethical, how to be honest, how to be dependable, how to be fair. Fathers protect kids from real dangers, but allow them to get hurt a little when the injury isn’t reasonably likely to result in serious injury. It is important for kids to fall of a bike, and get back on.
I know a dad named “John”. He is a really good dad to three girls. His wife, not a bad mom, but less attentive, less dutiful. He is almost in the roll of mother, but he isn’t feminine. He does the job like a man would, but he is their go to person (probably except female issues, they wouldn’t go to him for that).
I think the roles of mothers and fathers change over time and across cultures, but most men have a lot of traits in common that women don’t tend to share (or not to the same extent), and most women have a lot of traits in common that men don’t tend to share (or not to the same extent).
A lot of women feel a strong drive to get pregnant. I really wanted to be pregnant and give birth. I don’t think many men want to get pregnant (themselves). They may want to “have children”, but what they tend to mean is that they want someone else to give birth to their child.
Mothering is often a different set of tools than fathering. This is the result of differences between men and women. Women are more emotional. As anyone who has done HRT will attest, this is NOT all in their heads. It is biological.
Men form strong attachments to their children, but not generally the same attachment as a mother does. Maybe it is Brest feeding, or maybe it is just personality difference that result from gender roles or biological differences. I don’t know. I have seen fathers who were great at what is generally thought of as “mothering”. And, I have seen mom’s that were very much in the traditional role of “father”, but we define the terms based on what is the norm, not the outliers.
