How do you manage your "other" side?

August Marie,

hugs you

darling I think I understand..I also view missy as a different persona than my M persona. like you, I enjoy being missy much more n yes  I pout n hurt when I dress as him..which I still do for a few limited things..like seeing mom, family n a few things like that. then I listen to her questions like why do you have long nails n earings n sound like an idiot because i agreed i wouldn't tell her for her own good.

everything else though I needed to embrace missy n let her out because the switching was hurting so much. others, non transgender people don't understand. I was recently asked a not uncommon question I suspect,  well why can't you just dress as a man, especially when my friends are comming to missy home so I, sibling need not explain why my former brother is dressed as this THING (his words) to my golfing n Bible study friends? because it's missy home n missy signs the check n missy leads 98% of my life n if it's too much to handle with your friends, I frankly don't care. tell them I'm transgender or I'm crazy or I died, family press releases are not top on my list..I worry about breathing n getting through the day, and doing it as missy is easier n more fun for me  so sc..w off.

I'm sorry baby. my therapist..please get a good one, told me there will be costs at every juncture, some monetary some otherwise..do I want to lose my family? no. but here's what I wonder  how n when did I become so disposable to them, that a few cosmetic changes, hell even if I fully transitioned tomorrow miraculously  ..how did they decide I was so easily disposable? I, like you,  don't want to hurt any more. I want to be happy.  missy is happy n seeks out people that are nice to her, for her. if wearing different clothes or getting some physical alterations makes me a thing n disposable, then I simply will stop calling n comming around. will it hurt? yes, but i suspect not as much as keeping missy hidden or switching M to F all day long to please others.

I've been missy publically 98% of the time since early November, 2022. scary at first, n then you get over it.  you realize other people don't look at us nearly as close or much as we fear..they have kids m groceries n laundry like we do, on their minds. will you get some looks? maybe but mine have been rare n short. who can stare? a poorly behaved child? a husband looking to piss off his wife?

so I embraced her n let her out. yes, terrifying at first..now? liberating. now I attend church on skirts n father always smiles n says welcome missyjo. I give out her name, phone n email when I shop. planning on joining local gym as missy soon.

can I tell you that's right for you now dear? no, but it helped me. maybe it would help you, because switching hurts  I know.

then there's the little things  like I locked my keys in car 2 or 3 times when butched up..why? cause my keys are in my purse dummy but I can't carry it cause I'm at mom's. duh.

good luck dear.

there are many wiser ladies here and we all care for each other. don't do anything rash. breath n keep talking to us n your therapist.

good luck.

hugs

missy jo

Thanks Missyjo.  Hugs for you too.

Yes, I know what you mean.  Most people don't understand what it means to be trans.  I don't think they understand how it's not a choice we make.  It's part of us.  And I know what you mean about criticizing yourself.  So many times when I cry at something emotional on tv and I berate myself for being so girly, I wonder why do I do it?  It's so stupid to criticize myself over being who I am; but I still do.

I really wish there was a way to flip a switch between my personalities.  It just sucks when you wake up one day and suddenly you don't feel like doing the things you would normally do.  Seems like everything changes overnight.  Just wish there was a way to control it more.  Therapy may be an avenue I should try.  I've been tossing around that idea for awhile now.  Not sure I really like that idea.

Coming out is a different thing altogether.  I would love to come out and just live as a girl; but it's not that simple.  I still have the male side to deal with.  If I knew my personality was 90% feminine, sure, I would completely come out and live like that.  But, it's not like that.  I still fluctuate between male and female on a fairly regular basis.  It would be unfair to the male side to try to totally suppress that side of me.  It's not in my nature to want to do that.  As a female, I try to help and nurture people, and not suppress them.  My male side does the suppression, which is why it's taken me my entire life to try to come to terms with this.  Instead of suppressing my female side, I should have been trying to nurture it.  The conservative values I was raised in didn't, and doesn't, help my situation either.

Thanks again Missyjo.  I really appreciate your comments.

xoxo

A. Marie

August Marie,

maybe you're gender fluid dear? enjoy being both? nothing wrong with it.

I'd strongly suggest therapy. I doubted too..but now I have an educated ear n voice to help, instead of just my fears

one step at a time dear, n what works for me or someone else may not be right for you or bit at this time..that's fine too.

hugs.  be well dear

I was where you are 6-7 years ago.  Trying to manage dual personalities and existences.  It didn't go well.  My male self left me depressed and withdrawn.  My female self was the opposite.  I was happy, outgoing, and confident.  With the help of an awesome therapist I came to understand I had gender dysphoria.  And a pretty bad case at that.  So I looked at my options and transition filtered to the top.  I started with HRT about 21 months ago.  Smart move.  My life has never been better.

That's what worked for me.  I won't presume that's the right answer for you.  But I will say it looks like you might have gender dysphoria.  And a good therapist can help you sort that out.

This journey you're on can take you places you never expected.  Never say never.  Stay moving.  Be open to every possibility.  Eventually you'll find your happy place.

Best of luck to you.

/EA

I can only say in my case it was much rougher when I was younger. Mom allowed me to live as female at home. Then with her family as well. I hated having to go back to my male side.

As I grew older with the female side calling the shots the2 parts of me pretty much blended . I knew I was female inside no matter what was reflected in the mirror.

We all look at things in our own way Best of Luck.

Carla

Finding my happy place is exactly what I try to accomplish daily.  I am gender fluid and coming out and accepting me, helped tremendously. I spend days as him, and then days as her, then days as neither and days as both and days as someone I don’t ever know what gender I am and stay in a state of total confusion, depressed, the list goes on. This is a never ending cycle that repeats in no particular order. On the outside I appear in total control but trust me, on the inside I am messed up to the ‘n’th degree. It’s all I can do to keep it together. Humour helps in the escape. Every day is a different level but one thing remains constant, the need to cope and ride it out.

August:

One thing to remember is that even though a group of us may be under the same general umbrella, as you mentioned Non-Binary, but how it plays out can be somewhat different for each of us. I also identify as Non-Binary, but what I eventually realized is that I never felt that I was completely male nor completely female. While my presentation is female 95% of the time, my thinking, activities, likes/dislikes and perspectives are an amalgam of both genders. I’m OK with that. I don’t have a problem when I need to do something as Don for a day or 2. I have no experience beyond that, so maybe I would get a bit antsy over a longer period of time. I just don’t know.

However, it is hard to ask difficult questions of ourselves. Gender issues and sexual orientation, for that matter, are tough to think about due to the fear and shame and the potential consequences for our family life, our work life and other parts of our lives. That’s where a therapist with experience in gender issues can be very helpful to keep us on track and focusing on important questions.