DeeAnn, thanks so much for you're reply. I'm just getting to this as I was gone over the holiday weekend.
I can tell by your comments that we can relate. I never feel completely male or female; and it really is a barrier for me in my life. The most it gets is like 80/20 one way or the other. Like you, I really want to be female as much as possible. I feel good inside when I'm feminine. I feel depressive as a male; and that part sucks. I really don't mind being a male; but the depressive feeling I get from it is the worst. I know I really need to find a therapist for this; but I just wish I could find a way to be happy when I'm a man. Without a doubt, I've suffered many failures as a man; and it's taken a toll on my life and happiness. I really wish I would have accepted my feminine side at an earlier age. That was my mistake..trying to be something I wasn't for many many years.
Seems like therapy needs to be my next step.
Thanks again for the comments.
A. Marie
Thanks Carla.
Best wishes to you too!
Emily Alt, that is exactly how it is in my life. I've often wondered if I was the only one who went through this on a regular basis. I haven't found a therapist yet; and that needs to be one of my priorities moving forward. I have decided to try HRT on my own recently. I just started about 4 months ago. The changes are subtle. They haven't change how I feel internally; but I've noticed some very minor changes physically.
I'm sure this is what all of us go through..the mental barriers we face in our lives. I need to seek out a therapist. Thanks so much for your comments. I really appreciate it.
Have a great day,
A. Marie
Jill, you are so right. It seems like every day can be a different persona sometimes. The roller coaster ride can be very taxing on my mind. I really need to pull the trigger, throw caution to the wind, and present myself as who I am, when I am. Lots of fear involved in that; but I suppose that's why I should see therapy to help guide me through it.
As I mentioned to my friend Kathy, I feel there's a misconception in society that being trans is the same as being "gay". I don't consider myself gay; but the fear is that by coming out as trans, it gives people the perception that I'm gay...not that there's anything wrong with that (for the Seinfeld fans, lol). I think a big part of the fear associated with coming out is asking the hard questions, and being honest with myself in the answers that I have. How other people view me is one thing. How I view myself can be terrifying.
Thanks again for your comment. I really appreciate it.
A. Marie
Not a problem!
Over time, I’ve come to understand what makes me different, and from an academic viewpoint, it’s like Same Thing, Only Different.
From childhood, I always knew that I was different in some way, but had no idea as to what that was or what it meant. I can recall going through women’s magazines and being fascinated by the clothes, but it had to be done in secret. I knew, or at least sensed, that I was crossing some sort of boundary. What I was doing wouldn’t be appreciated and there could be consequences.
Later, as an adult, I tended to fade into the background in order to avoid scrutiny and be found out that I was different. The thought process in the background for me was that I might be gay, or at least bisexual. Eventually, in 1990 at the age of 42, I came out to myself as gay. As a result, I had some intimate encounters with men. While I found it pleasurable and it felt natural, it seemed like there was something missing and I had no idea as to what that was.
It was about 10 years later I started underdressing with panties and stockings or tights. Similar to Einar in The Danish Girl, I came to realize the touch and sensation of the fabrics, but it took a long time for the significance of that to settle in. It was another 3 years before I went out fully dressed and another 11 years before I did it again. In retrospect I think I was allowing myself to settle into this new existence and perspective after having been suppressed for so long.
Ultimately I discovered that Don and DeeAnn are essentially the same person. In the time that I was crossdressing (largely at home), I read accounts that most crossdressers had distinctive male and female personas. That was never the case for me and suggested that there might be something else going on for me. The differences between Don and DeeAnn were quite subtle. For example, DeeAnn would be more likely to start a brief conversation with strangers than Don would. It isn’t that Don would not; it is a matter of frequency.
Anyway, all this comes out in interesting ways. I have done thrifting as Don and DeeAnn at various times. DeeAnn went to the sprint car races over at Perris Auto Speedway last Saturday night. It is just how it turns out. The difference for me is in the presentation and not the persona.
I so identify with you it’s getting harder to separate me tony from me Toni hang in there and hugs as well to you
From reading what you've written, I can totally relate to you. I also knew from a very young age that I was different. I never talked to anybody about it. (In a way, I was largely ignored as a child anyway so there wasn't much talking about who or what I was then.) I was into girly things, flowers, animals, etc. I never played sports. What I did know was that every time I looked in the mirror, the image in my mind that I compared my body to was feminine. Whenever I looked in the mirror, my mind said my breasts were too small, and my waist was too wide. All of the signs were there; but i don't think anybody thought about it in those days. I remember prior to starting elementary school that I had forced myself to diet because I thought I was way too fat. In reality, I was a normal size for a boy; but something in my mind said I was too fat.
When I entered puberty, another piece of the puzzle fit into place. I remember finding my brothers porno mags; and it just so happens one of them had a feature on hermaphrodites. I was immediately drawn to it; and I told myself that's what I was.. a hermaphrodite. It seemed to fit well. I was both male and female. I also realized that when I read the stories and articles about sex, I always fantasized about being the women in the stories, and wondering how it felt to be a woman having sex. Of course this lead to some experimentation on my part.
When I entered high school, it comes out again; and I let my hair and nails grow long. Small sign; but it was a sign of how I was different than every body else around me. It was also the first time that I told anybody that I was bisexual. I probably didn't really understand what it meant; but I somehow related to it.
Looking back, I think that these small changes that came to light when I entered a new school was more of a response to being competitive with all of the new girls I was suddenly around. In a way they were conscious responses; but in some ways they were unconscious responses. Nobody told me to do them. I just did them.
My first experience with crossdressing came from an innocent elementary school Halloween party where all the girls dressed as boys, and all the boys dressed as girls. I don't remember who's idea it was; but I remember being very comfortable doing it. I didn't crossdress again until I had moved out of my parents house and lived on my own. It's a little funny, but my crossdressing started by me cutting the legs off of my underwear and making my own panties out of them. Seems silly to think about it. It wasn't until about 5 years ago that I actually bought my first pair of women's underwear. Feels like I wasted so much time.
I mentioned that I came out as "bisexual" during high school; but to be honest, I've never had a "relationship" with another man. I've always sought affection from women; but having sex with women is almost impossible. The kissing, petting, and nudity is all fun; but when it comes time to the actual "sex" part, I no longer want to be with the girl. Instead I want to BE the girl. I did meet one man one time when i was still a teenager that I knew was very attracted to me. I was kind of attracted to him too. I gave him my phone number; but he called at a very bad time. My family was around me at the time; and I was too scared to make any plans with him. I never heard from him again. He was maybe the only man I can say that I was actually attracted to. Even when I'm in fem mode I don't generally find men attractive. It's just that one particular area of their body that I find interest in. I can recognize a good looking guy; but I have no desire to flirt or make out with them. I'm not sure if these are still mental blocks that I've created for myself; or if I'm really just not interested.
So in a way I've let a lot of opportunities in my life slip by. In a way it feels like my life has been a lie; and I have lots of regrets about it. It all stems from my insecurities in life. I'm wondering if I still have time to change; or if I should continue as usual.
Thanks for your time. Hope I haven't said too much.
See ya,
A. Marie
Thanks Toni. In a way, I would love to be able to choose the feminine side full time; but it's not that easy. Not sure what to do about it. Wish there was a button I could push to turn each side on or off.
See ya,