I need to say a few things to get off my heart as ive been wanting to post in forums for a long time but have been afraid. Full disclosure I am not exactly new, not sure when I originally joined but am a returning member. People know me in the chat but I maybe only once posted in the forums apart from my original intro over a year ago I think.
Mom and friends are supportive in that they are my friends and have made it clear thats not changing. But being I am not yet able to start HRT with all the wait lists, maybe they may change perspective. Maybe its not real yet for them. My friends still call me by my birth name, as does my mother and it is hard. I dont enforce it and maybe I should though I feel guilty like I have stole someone from my mother. Friends make comments like I dont see you as a woman and that hurts. I can understand that I dont look or sound like a woman despite the clothes I wear. My mother and friends are all I have worth living for and so I just let her call me how she knows me. Its very hard to deal with.
I have always been confused about myself and it was not untill a few years back I decided I am not hiding Jennifer anymore. I was confused about who Jennifer is and what it meant, who am I? I have come to realize I am transgender and that I definately am Jennifer. However with my current hormones sometimes a angry monster comes out of me and it is very off putting to me. I think about this monster and how I like things that some women dont, but realize now that many women, including people here are programmers or have that interest and there should not be this gender label on interests. I love pretty things too and wish I was pretty. Another thing that bothers me about myself is that I am interested in women and not men. But then I realize that there are other women also attracted to women and I have never seen a problem with that. Yet I question myself. I dont know if there is a point to all of this, its just me ranting to get things off my heart. Someone might relate im not sure and your welcome to say what you need but there is no questions, it just is. I am Jennifer Darlene and thats not going to change but I hope I can get past these wait lists so I can progress in my transition and not be an alien. I cannot even help people in chat with hrt questions because I only know what I have read.
Hi Jenny. you are who you feel to be inside. It’s a knowing that no-one else can change. That inner belief is what will take you forward. Also it is an organic growth, as you move forward you will develop. There is no magic pill that changes you overnight. It’s a journey and much of what you will discover will not be apparent at the outset. How others view you is, as Anthony Hopkins believes… none of your concern.
You can’t change peoples mind because you want to. Be you, live as you, talk and dress as you…be careful and considerate…and things will change. The fact you have written this is proof to yourself as much as to anyone else. You are Jennifer…that’s it. Take each day as it comes from now on. Baby steps…and you will get where you truly want to be. This is your journey…and truly you own it.
Alex x
Thank you dearest friends these are very kind words of wisdom and support. I wish I could support others too and I think I try but often wonder if I am more of a nuisance. Its hard being alone but I'm greatful for this site. It takes me much time to let in feedback as I've been told data is stuck in the tubes but I hear what your saying. Will continue to try to work on myself.
I have decided to not let my life be a question of gender. I’m going to express my inner self the way I see fit in my life. Sometimes I’m gonna be a woman and sometimes I’m gonna stay on being a man. The best and the worst of two worlds. But that’s what I’m like. Both male and female. That’s in accordance with my thinking as well. The balance of it all. That’s what matters.