Hey everyone,
I am sitting here actually writing something. I have been part of CDH/TGH for sometime now. And I don't get to post much. Frankly I don't know what to write. I usually just listen, read and moderate. Many times I don't even know if I am transgender or an overzealous crossdresser. One thing I will say, I usually care about your well being over mine. Your important, to me. Just knowing that I someway helped you find direction and comfort with how you feel. But today I write for me. With everything that we are dealing with in the world this year. I found my own clarity.
Living in Fear
Its taken a virus of all thing to wake me up. The fear of being on the deadly end of this pandemic has made me feel vulnerable. I have always felt scared of taking this path, knowing that it will lead to being hurt, humiliated, judged and outcasted. But this virus is a killer. I have dealt with depression and death wishes, and pain all my life. But this virus, made me realize something, I could be gone tomorrow and there is nothing that I can stop it. I am here today at the age of 40, cause I controlled the direction of my life. Avoiding everything a little virus made me feel in such a short time.
I need to stop being scared and trying to control what I cant, people are going to hate me, they are going to humiliate me, and they could hurt me. I lived life holding my head and being what I was I was suppose to be. I have done that long enough, now its time to live life holding my head up and being me, and if they have to hate me, humiliate me and hurt me. Then so be it. Being transgender does have a future and it can end all tomorrow to, but its not a virus that will take me out.
Fear is an interesting concept in that it has a lot to do with our perceptions. It is also odd how bits of information gets visited upon us.
I have always been a motorsports fan going back to childhood. I’ve even had the opportunity to drive a few race cars, though not in competition. In that situation, what fear does is force you to live within yourself. Only through trial, error and repetition do you learn to expand those boundaries, if that something that you want to do.
But, the problem in daily living is that many things may not be within our direct control or not completely so. Then it becomes a matter of negotiating with yourself. Where is the dividing line between acceptable risk and unacceptable risk? We can never be risk-free, so it becomes a matter of understanding and determining where that crossover point is for us. In that respect, we are all different.
My wife has said on more than one occasion that I am the only person she knows who has to slow down to get on an expressway. Frankly that doesn’t bother me. My MINI will easily see 100mph before I get to the end of the ramp. On the other hand, going into a room of 80 or 90 people that I don’t know often causes at least a couple of potty breaks before I leave home.
The thing is, fear is a really odd concept in that it can help or hurt. It can cripple or liberate. The difference is in how we perceive it and how we use it...
First, I salute you, and really understand your adventure with fear as being an impediment to our growth from my own experience. I may net ever be able to fully explain the sense of freedom, contentment and liberation I feel because I committed to being myself.
Second, I have found that my worries and fears were mine, and mine alone, AND that they are not consistent with what I experience in my life now. Sure, people look at me, sometimes with a double take. Sometimes a person will call me " sir" as I go about daily life. Once in a meanwhile, I see a smirk, or grimace on the face of on other, or hear some muted grumbling. But not once has anyone made a scene or condemn me or attempt to hurt me in some way. What I experience simply isn't what I feared.
I admit to feeling a little confusion because of this. I wonder why I was so terrified before. I don't really understand that. I have concluded that my limitations were actually self imposed, based on having accepted what I was taught as a youngster by family, educators, media and crude jokes "in the locker room" and not based on reality. That, my friend, was a powerful lesson for me. My own li citations and fears are largely not based on the real world.
Is there danger out there? Sure. Is it really any more severe for transgendered than for others? I don't think so.
So, I offer my support and encouragement, my love and best wishes on your adventure. Keep on keeping on, sweetie.
