My first therapy session

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry you had a bad ending to the session. It really hurts when the one we hold dearest can't see past their perceptions and at least give it a chance. But in your wife's defense she thought she married a "whole" man and she feels completely betrayed. If your wife had come to you and said she wanted to start taking testosterone, dress like a guy, and get a prothtesis, how would you react?

I read an article on Medium recently that pointed out we have to own that betrayal and recognize what it does to our SOs. That doesn't mean we heap self-guilt or negative thoughts on ourselves, but we can't just say they need to adapt to us, or say it's their problem. Letting them know how much we hate doing that and trying to put yourself in their place can go a long way towards a real dialog.

If she won't go to couple's counseling (if that's what you both want to save the marriage) then you are forced to choose, unfortunately. My wife and I are still married and talking with a therapist, and we've had some brutal conversation about first my CD-ing then my need to transition.

She is making plans to move to her own place to reset (a lot of it has nothing to do with my reveal). I don't know if we will get back together, stay separated, or divorce. Whatever is best for her (other than me not transitioning) I want to do for her benefit. Hang in there and don't let initial anguish cause either of you to do anything rash. I hope you can both find what you need - even if it isn't what you both want!

Hugs,

Brie

Hi Brie, you're right on all accounts, and I understand her point of view. I just wish she could have turned out to be a more accepting person. Right now she is not willing to do any counseling, either alone or together. Like my counselor said though, she has enjoyed the way I've been throughout our marriage. A somewhat feminine man. I'm still hopeful that she may come around. But the realist in me doubts it. Hugs Katie

Hi Katie, yes I am in full agreement there. I had hoped that as empathetic as my wife was at the beginning, it only took a few days for her to do a 180 when she realized all the time, effort, and attention I spent on my feminine side over the years, and what I didn't give to her and our daughter.

I offered for my wife to sit in on a session with my gender therapist, because I felt like my wife resented what the therapist might have been telling me. I was the one to accept being transgender, the therapist just confirmed what she'd observed from our discussions, and it was up to me to do what was best. My wife has yet to join.

I'd like to say I think your wife will reconsider. She may, but the relationship is changed forever and you both will have to figure out what you each have to do to protect yourselves. It doesn't necessarily mean divorce, but if she deosn't have a side of her open to "exploration" (as my wife doesn't, nor do I yet, I don't believe) already, it won't suddenly be there.

I'm here for you anytime you need. If you want to email or chat one-on-one, PM me and we can share contact info. Take care of yourself! This isn't something you have done wrong or can just change. I know - I couldn't either, but I wish I could have.

Hugs,

Brie

Katie:

From all I’ve seen, there isn’t much predictability regarding spouses of transgender people. Whatever the best outcome for the situation is, I hope that is what happens. It is a tricky situation because even when couples stay together, there can be an ugly undercurrent of animosity that sometimes bubbles to the surface. Further, you never know what can set that off. It can be a minefield.

As is said: “All will become clear in the fullness of time…”.

Good Luck!

Hi DeeAnn, thank you for your thoughts.  My wife is very unbending in what she allows, unfortunately as time goes on I am less and less willing to stifle myself just to save our marriage. The fact that I sought out therapy was a red flag for her and she felt threatened.  My next session is in 3 weeks so we'll see how she reacts. In the long run I'm not hopeful, if I'm to advance in what I feel I need,  this situation will not survive. It is all up to what she can live with. Hugs Katie

All I can say is:

Do What You Got To Do...

I started  off  going  to my mom telling  her  that I believe  there is  something  wrong  with me. I have  this  strange  feeling  I'm supposed  to  be a girl, well we talked  about  it  joke  about  for  a bit. As time  went  on a couple weeks  later  my sister  moved  home  and  I  caught  her  up on how  I felt mom, my sister  and I decided  it was time  for  me  to seek  counseling  and  I  did and  what  a wonderful  experience. My new counselor and  I scheduled visits  months  a head and always looked  forward  to them. Eventually i started  hormones and  started to  change.  I noticed  i started  changing  like my behavior  mood  swings, the way I think  and  act. I did  report reported it  to her. What a grateful change to  my  life.