Hello Xelyn,
I have also known since I was 6 years old that I felt like a boy (born ambiguous, surgeon&parents chose male) and wanted to be a boy....I also wanted to be “normal”... I struggled with that for years, and got some relief from being involved in sports. I remained in the closet for my teenage years, and early 2os. Then while in college, followed through on my attraction for women, fem women. And I didn’t fit in well with the lesbian community. I appeared very butch, and trying to “fem it up” was not very successful, but I did do that for work....I went through periods of deep depression, did some research, but never could find a path for me...(70s,80s and 90s).
To jump to the present, I am now 66 years old and started my transition 2 years ago. I have not taken testosterone, and probably will not, but it does seem that is a first step for younger folks. Luckily, I had to have a hysteretomy at age 39. I wished for a medical reason to have my breasts removed, and would have welcomed cancer (drastic, I know).
I had top surgery last year, and now pass as neutral as I continue to work in the same setting where my co-workers know, but it is a small southern town where real danger lurks if I am not careful.
My parents have passed, and I never approached this subject with them. My younger brother does now know, but will not discuss it. So I have no family connections at present, and that’s ok.
I am glad to see another FTM on this site...I read many articles and they are all helpful, and I don’t write much. I log on about once a week.
My suggestion is to find a good therapist and work from there. I so wish that I had done that earlier in my life, and made my transition earlier in my life.
Dear Xelyn,
Though wanting the opposite for myself I sure understand the feelings and struggles you have are very much identical. I was born a boy but at a very young age I knew there was a girl inside me who wanted out. Yet being 20 years before the birth of the Internet and in a small community and sheltered environment I had no knowledge about gender issues or that transitioning was even possible. I think the unconditional love and support from my parents had much to do with the fact that I adapted quite well with a seemingly male life and never hated my body. In secret, though, I always felt female would have been the better option and around 12 years of age I started secretly wearing my mother's skirts and dresses to explore my female side.
Now, at 53, I have all the knowledge I wish I had back then, and I have long since understood that I am a woman in mind and soul. Yet I do not know if I can ever fully transition because of the impact it would have on my family and also because of health problems.
All I can say to you is that I wish you Good Luck on your journey and i hope you will find a happy life as whoever you need to be.
Ellen Marianne Tornander
When I was growing up, I was teased for being 'girly', not in evident case, more for my personality. People thought I wasn't good at sports because I was too 'girly. Actually it was because I wasn't taught the rules of the particular game. I still don't know all the football rules! As I grew up, I always heard my mom tell people she wished I had been a girl. I felt confused and even ashamed. I have two older sisters and six brothers! The younger of my two sisters was my idol. She was pretty and she often won local beauty pageants. I loved the attention she was getting, I wanted to be pretty too! But...in those days, being a crossdresser was like being evicted not only from family but from society in whole! So in secret I was trying on my sister's clothing and lingerie. I loved how good it felt and how good I looked in it. But that didn't last long. I went years without any opportunity to dress up, even privately. I longed for it. It pulled at me constantly. I tried to do things to get those thoughts out of my head, but the urge only grew stronger. I got married, divorced, then married a 2nd time. In my 2nd marriage, I confessed to my wife that I needed to dress as a female and that I had been doing it many years. In my surprise, she accepted it, but only as a private, at home fetish. After 14 years of marriage, just mere crossdressing wasn't enough. I wanted to live it full time. Divorce again! Although I wanted to go full time, jobs and social roadblocks prevented it. I just went back to looking 'girly' no matter what people might say about it. I'm still having problems, but hope to change that soon.
WOW you really hit a note with this one! Whew you got a great deal of responses so I’m torn whether to add my two cents but then... I’m kinda of a chatty🍒 As I read your post I couldn’t help but think we were the same but on the different sides of the same coin. FTM & MTF I undoubtably was born male but I have a desire to present female even if it’s only part time-some time. I spend more time practicing my feminine voice, mannerisms and movements far more then my actual feminine dressing. The idea being... feminine women have a way of appearing feminine regardless what they are wearing. Macho Men appear masculine not because of an abundant display of muscle but in posture and positioning. Hair style may seem or even be the first indicator but how you hold yourself will give that signal from a greater distance then even hair. Something I try to keep in mind is the difference in our natural bodies. Females movements generate from their hips while males generate their movements from their shoulders. Men take up space while women conserve space. Watch how men sit, legs and feet wide taking up personal space. Women tend to keep their legs either close or crossed. As a MTF Crossdressing Closet Girl I hope to present as the feminine Girl next door not a guy in a dress💋
Hi Marianne. My story is similar . I too regret not accepting my self earlier in life. Maybe if places like this were available I would have. I am just turning 65 I have spent a life time with denying I had a problem with my gender. I could not even be honest with my therapist when dealing with depression and anxiety about my gender. A total waste of time.I am not sure if she could of helped me if I told the truth but a least the truth would of been told. Now I am 65 years old. I finally accepted that I should of been born with a female body or a brain that matched my body one or the other. My denial cost me dearly. A opportunity to be truly happy. Acceptance is a wounderful thing. It answered so many questions. Like you I found myself in a situation that if I decided I wanted to go that place of happiness. The impact would be devastating to a family that through no fault of their own are very vunerable. I have custody of my 3 grandchildren they had to deal with both their parents walking away. I chose to step in and care for them now I am a parent again. I will not walk away so that can I can finally be happy. I believe it would be very selfish of me. Luv Stephanie
Hi Stephanie you have said it all. I now understand it is up to me how to handle it there is no fairy god mother coming to help me be the princess I should of been. That would be too easy Luv Stephanie
Well, Miss Kennedy, a pleasure and a great relief to find someone here that is in my age bracket. I just keep telling myself "better late than never" and find myself approaching this whole life change with all the confusion and yo-yoing thought processes of....a confused and bewildered WOMAN. My sub-conscious is apparently "putting the cart before the horse", but I figure that horse can push that cart as easy as he can pull it. As to age, I'm 62, and if you happen to think of any gold-plated tips or warnings that would apply to persons in our age bracket specifically, you would be an angel to relate them. I'm going to keep notebooks of everything, and when I'm done will share them. Off to google school for me. You please do have a wonderful day.
Hi Xelyn,
You are starting in the right direction, gather all the information, roll it through your mind, then you will come to a conclusion but it will be a well informed one. TGH is one of the best places to discover a lot about gender identity. At the end of the day if you have gender dysphoria it is better to do something about it early as not doing anything is like being in a nightmare 24/7/365. that will never stop no matter what. Feel free if you need to ask anything.
All the best Mate,
Lucy Liz
