I have felt the desire to be a girl ever since I first dressed up with my stepsister on Halloween as part of a dare. But I could never shake that constant longing to live as a girl, and love as a girl. I have lived these 45 years in the dark hiding my secret. Only coming out in the open for a night out. Swearing never to go back only to find myself hating myself and vowing never again to let her have place in my life. My ability to suppress her would very over the years. Reaching a point when I had to let her out or I would explode. Only to feel the shame and guilt later. But as of the last few years the ability to suppress her is waning. It is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of as I fall asleep. And all throughout the day I feel that desire to just be her. Wishing everyone knew and terrified they might. I thought perhaps the increased desire was due to a drop in testosterone levels as we get older, so I tried some testosterone boosters but I still feel that raging desire to face the world as a woman. In every aspect. Sometimes I feel like I will go mad. Or perhaps I already have been turned over to a reprobate mind.
I recommend you seek a specialist, a doctor trained and specialized in dealing with the ins and outs of our community.
Feeling one way and living another doesn't mean you have to choose, but there are many ways to achieve your goals even if you decide for a late transition.
The questions are:
Do you really need to transition?
Would you rather keep yourself in your comfort zone and live your needs (whatever they are) somehow safely?
To me, personally, self neglect has been a very sore matter throughout my adulthood. It took me a long while to situate, understand and allow myself to anything "me"wise.
I recommend you seek a gender positive psychologist. Open your heart and hope for the best. Do not look for regular psychologists. They'll, more often than not, presume you to have a disease than just needing support and understanding.
Find your local community, go out, try a few things (with tons of common sense please), and try to find yourself and your personal, real needs.
Fantasy and fetish are easy to have and to play with, but they'll get old really fast. Understanding your own heart will make you happy and satisfied on the other hand. Take your pick, knowing that what you need is the actual right choice.
Yeah that's so right! Me too. I've known since 4 years old and thought it would go away. Four decades later it gets stronger every day, the female feeling inside. It's not going to stop so I guess that must really be me. It's seems that it's just social conditioning that's made us what we think other people should see but we hide who we really are. Well, I'm struggling to hide it any longer. I am a woman inside and I cannot face the rest of this life without being her, the truth will out as they say! I'm so scared of revealing her but I think the relief of dropping the lie will compensate. I just wish I had the courage to do it.
Hi Angela,
You will reach a point where the stronger woman inside will over rule the weaker man outside. Then you have to decide which direction you can exist with. For me, there was no longer a choice, the woman inside had to be set free and now lives her life fulltime and is filled with so much joy, happiness and contentment that I wish I had transitioned long ago. I wish you well in satisfying your deep longing.
Love,
Lauren M
Hi Angela,
I too dwell constantly on wanting to come out to the world but my wife won’t let me. She is accepting and I get to dress all the time. But even that is not enough. I go out dresses publicly a few times a month but have not had a girls day or night with the ladies yet.
these desires do not recede. I have learned to embrace that I am transgender and do not feel guilty anymore.
love yourself for who you are girl and let the woman inside come out!
Hugs,
Hope
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I feel the exact same way. I once read something a therapist said that seems so true when it comes to the desire of being a female never fully going away. She said this…..It’s like the ocean. The tide comes in and goes back out but the water is always there.
Your story echoes mine in so many ways and episodes, the older I become the more I want to be the women that I feel I can be. My first therapy session is next week and I can't wait. Stay strong and feel no shame. Katie
Angela,
I agree please try to find a very good therapist.
I came out this time last year, and had it planned out to tell family and then friends.
That was not the way things went.
Everyone knew over night. But, then I didn't have to worry about the problems anymore.
I have been living full time for a year now. Even though I don't fit in or pass.
I have had very little problems with that, I have found out that was more my fear.
Letting the Lady out to be free, has been the biggest blessing in my life.
Shiloh
