My whole experience seems to be different from a lot of people, when I first began to research the whole transgender experience to find information I found I was not the same. I don’t have much in the way of childhood memories, I don’t remember wanting to be a girl or dressing up in my sisters clothes when I was little.
For me, it began in my twenties (though later I realised there were signs going back to early adulthood and one or two from before.) at some point, possibly my late 20s, I started to wonder “what would I look like if I was a girl?” I had no idea as to how to answer this, I do remember trying some makeup program on my PC and used a photo of myself but it didn’t look right. Anyway, the question would keep coming back until I finally decided to find out. I was 38 at the time.
I looked online and managed to get an idea of what I would buy, I did plan to order them online but ended up going to second hand shops and buying them there. I bought a nice top, cardigan, skirt and leggings. Sadly I got the skirt size wrong. After this I worked out my proper fem clothes sizes and slowly began to buy more stuff. Clothes, some jewelry…
and then I decided I wanted to have a bust. Bought a bra, padded it out and all was good… until I looked down and wished the breasts were real. Up to this point, I thought it was just cross-dressing, but once the “wish for boobs” came out I realised this was more than that.
Soon I slowly began to see signs of my fem side in the past, with one from my childhood: a memory of being given some book or something from a friend who was a boy and to say thanks, I remember giving him a hug. Connected to this memory is “boys don’t do that” or “don’t do that”.
Ive been told that I did play with my sisters dolls at some point when I was little. I don’t know how old I was because I don’t remember it. Instead I remember playing with cars, transformers and lego. I did like cuddly toys though.. still do.
Ive found a common thread going back to early adulthood. Most of the shows I watched were either A: aimed at a female audience or B: had lots of female characters in it. I became very interested in Japanese anime/manga in my early adulthood, and have watched many anime aimed at girls (I don’t know if anyone here is familiar with anime/manga so I wont go into detail much unless anyone is interested.).
There are MANY anime/manga aimed at girls, especially the magical girl genre, and guess what little ol’ Lucia watched a lot of? xD magical girl shows! (Sailor Moon being the one In first watched…..in German!)
My manga collection is mostly girls manga. Not only anime, most DVDs I have are aimed at either the aforementioned A or B. I love languages and always look to see what foreign languages are on DVDs… and I especially like female characters so Im drawn like a moth to a flame to DVDs of girls shows.
For music, I prefer female singers. When it comes to video games, I will play as the female character most of the time. If I can create a character, it’ll be a she.
Something else I have realised. For many years I saw the following as being for girls only: Jewellery, pampering yourself in the shower and fashion. All 3 have become things I very enjoy after my fem side came out. In fact, before I saw showering as a chore and did it as quickly as possible. Could that have been dysphoria?
What started as wearing fem clothes sometimes has become daily. When Im at home I dress femininely, I only dress more masculinely when I have to go out, go work or see family. No one who knows me knows about my other side.
For me transition is to make myself as feminine as possible, growing my hair long, long nails, and I bought shape wear to give me the curves I want so much. Surgery is a no no due to me having heart problems so I don’t think it would be a good idea.
In the last two years its been a slow join-the-dots to try and work out, just what was going on. I came to then conclusion that I have a female side at least – I AM female inside at most. I fluctuate between the two, but I think the second is more likely due to the desire to have a female body. Im not seeing a therapist yet, not sure I feel confident enough to go there yet, for now I feel talking here on this forum is a good start.
Has anyone had any similar experiences, or does anyone think its not what I think it is and it could be something else?
Thanks for reading
Lucia,
welcome dear. it matters not how you got here, just that you're here now. this is home it is safe n many people wiser than I will offer to share stories expériences, suggestions, listen n caring words of comfort. so welcome dear.
I had somewhat similar n slightly different. I was not bullied n did not look fem growing up, n with all athletic make siblings..well..I was one too..but I always knew ..even when we played doll with neighbor girl, I knew I was..different. I knew dressing in moms clothes was not entirely.."normal" or expected of young boys. dad constantly told mom I woukd grow up to be a sissy if we were not careful.
I knew something was..off..i always wanted to be her, whoever the pretty girl was, I wanted her clothes n her body n I craved being taken by lovers after I had teased them..somehow this did not mesh with my understanding of a typical AMAB but I dared not say anything..as it was cast as shameful ..
now I almost don't fr..king care..I deserve to be happy n God doesn't care if I wear heels or not, ..I'm not a contagious monster..I'm just lgbt..so what? so I'm a girl so? how's that so bad?
sorry
welcome dear. maybe some if that sounds familiar
hugs
missy jo
Lucia:
It is important to understand that they are MANY paths that ultimately lead us to a sense that we are transgender. Some paths happen more frequently and others may be fairly infrequent. It’s just how it is.
After crossdressing for a couple of years, it finally occurred to me at the age of 67 that I was never completely male in my perspective, nor completely female for that matter. What I realized was that I was this combination of male and female like/dislikes, perspectives and thought processes. Further, looking back on it, that was always the case but I guess I didn’t allow myself to think consciously about that.
It took 67 years for me to finally settle into my groove, but now it feels very comfortable. I present as DeeAnn maybe 95% of the time. Since I retired and relocated at the beginning of 2016, I am known here as DeeAnn. Very few (probably no more than a dozen) have ever met Don. Right now I hold office in 5 organizations and DeeAnn is the person of record. I have no plans for any medical interventions or name/gender changes on any of my personal documents as the physicality of my body was never an issue. In other words, I never felt that I was in the wrong body.
I don’t know what the specifics are of our statistical distribution is, but there will always be situations that are fairly rare. There is nothing invalid about this. It is just how circumstances come together.
Lastly, seeing a therapist is not an act of confidence. The idea is to help you understand what is happening in your life and to take the mystery out of it. They are trained to listen, ask the right questions and to be non-judgmental. If this qualities are not present, perhaps they are not very good at what they do. However, with all of the class work, internships and licensing procedures, such people are pretty rare. When we are honest with them, much can be learned about ourselves.
