This is a re-post of mine from Crossdresser Heaven:
So I’ve been doing a lot of internal thinking (which is extremely healthy right? haha) but I’m starting to think I may be transgender. The earliest thoughts I have are fantasizing about being forced to wear women’s clothes. I later found out that fantasies about “being forced to do something” are really just the mind’s way of expressing a desire that is soceitally inappropriate. Around puberty at the age of 10 (which is pretty early, I know) I remember praying to “God” that “He” turn me female. This is when I started to become very depressed and encountered my first thoughts of suicide. I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life. Later I started to abuse drugs and alcohol to provide for emotional relief but it lead to a downward spiral and after a few years at college I wound back at home. Now I am glad to say that I am one year and eight months sober (!) and extremely proud of myself. I am currently enrolled at UW – La Crosse and am pursuing a degree in Psychology.
In the past, I have become entirely engrossed in my feminine self for a brief periods of time. I would buy tons of clothes, makeup, etc only to become ashamed of myself a couple weeks later. I would then throw away everything and try to readopt my male persona. Despite my knowledge of the non-binary aspect of Gender, I always thought it was an either/or thing with me. I’ve always been VERY attracted to women and I thought that by becoming feminine I wouldn’t be able to date women, but I’ve beginning to disbelieve this.
I’ve taken several Transgender Tests on the internet, including the “COGIATI” test and each has stated I am a good candidate for gender dysphoria. This is both comforting and disconcerting at the same time.
Recently I have bought a lot of makeup, clothes, etc. But I am not as focused on the sexual aspects like I used to when I was younger. I’m living with 4 other male roommates who I was randomly assigned to live with and they have no idea. Coming to and fro from the bathroom is quite an ordeal in the mornings since I don’t want them to see my hairless body or my pink toenails. I like my roommates (at least 3/4) but some are pretty close-minded (<coughs> Republican) and I’m pretty sure if I were to come out and say, “Hey guys, just to let you know: I’m a woman” they would be surprised. Not to say that I’m not going to express myself based on their ignorance. Screw that.
My plan so far is to go to counseling at the University (since it’s included in tuition) and hopefully explore these aspects of myself. I also REALLY want to go out en femme and develop more feminine characteristics (walking in heels, voice exercises, maintaining smooth skin) regardless of whether that makes me trans, genderqueer or whatever. The fact is I like being feminine. It makes me happy.
Thanks for reading!
Hi Susan....welcome to our other site! The reasons or thoughts about gender dysphoria are legion. No-one is really certain....but the more we discuss it, the more we can help others try to figure out "what is different about them". It seems to be all about genetics/chromosomes and what has changed something in them. I look forward to more discussions on this topic and am continuing my research into this fascinating world. Till then.......
Dame Veronica
Your last sentence says all you need to know: "It makes me happy." That happiness is so hard to find when you are trying to be someone you are not. Be true to what you feel Susan and let the rest of the world can deal with it.
Good luck in your journey!
Hi Susan, the tests and quizzes online really only strike skin deep. From what I’m reading here, you have a very similar thought pattern to what I had at a young age. I started thinking there was something different about me when I was 5 or 6. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be Ariel for Halloween. Why I had to be a cowboy or something like that. I remember being asked what I wanted for Christmas and never making s list because I knew my parents wouldn’t buy me what I really wanted. When I was 7, I remember crying myself to sleep hoping to wake up comfortable. Sadly that prayer was never answered. I wake up comfortable on thursdays now, knowing that is the one day of the week until I come out as trans that I can spend the majority of my day (after work) as myself. I relish in the time I have to wear what I want to and be viewed how I want to.
The best way to decipher your thoughts and emotions is therapy hun. A good therapist is the best start to your progression
Welcome to TGH Susan!
Love to you
Tami
OMG, Susan we have so much in common. I was in very similar shoes back when I was in collage. Guy roommates, early on dreaming to be forced, I think lots of us have had one rendition or another similar. Those tests all point me the same way as well. I would also be carful not to out your self to your roommates at this time, better get/find more friendly ones before you potentially ruin you home or sanctuary where you can hide from the rest of the world. Best bet is surround yourself with a small group of support friends like a mini sorority or something.
Save your money and when you are ready to throw it all away. Either put it in storage far away or give it to a friend who will hold it for you. Tell them if you do not come to pick it up in a year for them to keep/dispose of the things. I am sorry to say unless you are a stronger girl then me you most likely return to getting it or rebuying it. There are things I surely miss to this day that can not be replaced. (I really miss my full legenth pvc evening gown or my fav comfy VS pink sleep pants.)
Miriya
ps. Be careful of the Drug & Alcohol thing being trans is hard enough and adding additional depressants and mind altering things will make it 10 times worse then it is already.
Congrats on your self discovery! Please please make the effort to know what to do, like where to report harassment, maybe save for a lawyer, before making your transition known at school. Protect your investment. I was kicked out of a public college for complaining about transphobia from my professors.
Crossdressers are in the Transgender Umbrella, so, you are a Trans person already. One doesn't need gender dysphoria in order to transition. Are you hoping for the medical transition?
