Hello, not sure if I should post or add my opinion or not. I of course do not know the whole situation so all I can do is base my response off of my own situation and what I have seen in others.
If you grew up with a mind/social life of a woman you would understand the fact that 97% of woman view their self identity as a group of people, IE: family, friends, sorority,etc. Opposed to men who’s self identity is me, myself, and I, the rest is there to support his identity. A circle vs a pyramid. As a MtF somewhere on the spectrum Tory you have unfortunately been trying to fit a man’s social aspect for a long time, even though your mind keeps trying to fit the identity as a woman. Remember puberty and those teen years? Confusion, self doubt, experimenting, trying to find your self, etc. Puberty did not happen over night, more then likely for you never did stop. And at that time all you had to do was learn it from scratch not try and unlearn years of conditioning.
And guess what, your spouse when she married you, and each child there after, you all became part of her self identity. She was comfortable with that fact. You eventually fit into her self identity for 11 years. Unfortunately perception is truth and truth is fluid. Then one day, and to her surprise or not, you changed how you fit in her self identity. If you can, imagine one day your hand decided to suddenly became a foot. Gross, crazy, people look at you funny, feel sorry, etc. That is how your wife feels, and to her it looks like a choice or worse a lie after all these years. How could you not tell her? Lie to her? Be so mean as to destroy her inner sanctuary? She darn right has a right to be mad, upset, etc. Look at the steps of grief when someone dies and you see a correlation as to the steps you are about to go through. Problem is she can not bury you. Even worse she loves you and wants you to be happy, wants to be selfless toward you. She knows it is no joke, you hide it to protect her, knows you love her.
Tory you hopefully know and feel her suffering.
No one said it would be easy. It is just worth all the suffering in the end.
Here is the light after all the doom and gloom, if you love one another and are selfless to one another. Take time to talk and cry on eacheother. A good group cry umong girls goes a real long way. You both can rebuild each others self identities and become 10 times stronger in your selves then you were ever before Tory’s coming out.
No man or woman is strong if they live day in and day out with self doubt possibly self hate. Unfortunately most Trans people this is what they do for years and years. Both of you need healing and rebuilding, please, help one another. Also seek outside help when you need it, you do not have to go it alone. Unfortunately this will take time, expect at least as long as those puberty years.
Bless you both and your family.
Miriya
Tory, I think Allie was correct in giving them space to express themselves without the presence of the one with whom they were feeling uncomfortable. It let them have room to explore their own thoughts in a supportive environment, but with one who also loves you.
However, have you considered whether there's a need to for you to do the same? Give them a chance to express their feelings directly with you in a mutually safe space. Maybe with your wife there to help assure it remains safe for all of you. Just thoughts, but I'm concerned there may not be a direct connection which to me seems to be a path toward them compartmentalizing your relationship into something other than a happy family one. This is one for a family counselor. You need help bringing it back together.
To me, the coming out discussion is something that we must do. If someone does it for you, as mentioned here, it may be OK or it may not. I’m not suggesting that the spouse would consciously do anything untoward, but kids pick up on subconscious things like body language, different speech patterns, inflections, etc. and it can have the effect of betraying the words.
Anyway, that said, there are many factors that go into deciding how to move forward. Transition, and moving towards transition sooner rather than later, is something to be carefully considered and hopefully with help from a competent therapist. There are a lot of moving parts here and all must be considered and prioritized. It is always much better to make conscious decisions rather than have a decision visited upon you...
