This is one of Vanessa’s articles from way back in 2012. In it she opined about the emotions that seemed more intense after her transition and whether it was due to the hormones or was it something always present but she only allowed herself to see it as her journey progressed. I haven’t transitioned nearly as far as she, but the same things have crossed my mind as I continue my own Odyssey. Will I “come home” to where I started? Or will I find somewhere new to live ? I hope this “golden oldie” provokes each of you to examine your own experiences as it did mine. Below is the link to the original article in case you want to read the original comments as well as the article text. I’m interested to hear others thoughts.
https://transgenderheaven.com/led-by-my-emotions/
Led by my emotions
I guess some people are built to feel things more poignantly – the knife of heartache cuts deeper, the rushing streams of passion run stronger. The highs and lows of life are adorned with vivid sensory accompaniment. Truth be told, I’ve always been an emotional person and never held back tears. Yet it seems like this year my eyes have wept oceans of salty sadness – sometimes for a reason, just as often for none that I can discern.
For the first time in my life I have cried so furiously that I could not breathe. I remember each texture as I lay curled on my bed hyperventilating from overwhelming sadness. I remember the wash of no-longer-warm water cooling against my skin in the bath, as I wailed with hopeless anguish contemplating a bitter future.
Again, and again, and again the tears have come. Bidden and unbidden. I feel my mind trapped in a cage of emotions. Even as I see myself hurtling towards an irrational action, there is nothing I can do to stop it – the emotions inside of me must be heard, they must play out. So I say things out of hurt, or anger, or grief. I try to rein in myself and act with thoughtful aplomb. When I am centered, and strong this works. But more often it fails to break through, live a wave desperately crashing against the cliff side only to be repelled by an immovable force.
Am I more emotional after transition?
This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now. My past fades into dim memory, but I feel almost certain that I held the reigns of my actions more tightly in the before. Is it the hormones? I remember being joyful earlier in my transition, but perhaps my joy held an equal sway over me. So it is merely the ebb and flow of my inner tides, and not a more emotional self coming through.
Perhaps it is the trauma of my many surgeries that have put me more in touch with the world. They gave me an empathy for those experiencing pain, and a keener ear to hear the drumbeat of my own. I’ll be the first to admit that I still feel the aftershock of the surgeries.
It is late tonight, and I feel drained, but I am eager to hear your perspective. How did your emotional state change after you transitioned?
@cdh
Vanessa-I love reading your older posts as they provide an insight to your journey that forces introspection of my own.
I’ve always been an emotional person , but for oh too many years, I held them in because “Boys aren’t supposed to cry” and I was supposed to “man up”. I feared what my classmates and later my coworkers would think if I were to show my emotions-both good and bad.
It took me decades to realize how harmful it was to bottle them up. Like a pressure cooker building up steam and raising the temperature to cook things faster, the emotions -denied release by my stubborn refusal to release them-built inside and caused anxiety to bubble like roiling water. And as happens when the pressure cooker is not allowed to vent, so too will emotions un-vented allow the pressure to build beyond the ability of the vessel to stand. What can follow is a violent explosion that may destroy the vessel itself and also injure those nearby when the release occurs.
Eventually, I realized that like the pressure cooker, holding everything in for a short while can be productive allowing us to not overheat and cause hurt to ourselves or others “in the moment”. But hold them in too long without expressing them, and the pressure overwhelms us and can damage ourselves and our loved ones…sometimes beyond repair.
Grief, jealousy, happiness, sorrow…even love -all need to be expressed or even the strongest person will shatter. It can be cathartic even to just “let yourself feel” even if no one else is around to see it. Let the tears flow-tears of happiness and joy, tears of sorrow and regret…
But don’t dwell in them forever. Our lives are ever-changing and valleys and mountaintops alike lie in our paths. Know that in the darkest valleys, we are not alone and that we WILL ascend from the depths. Likewise on the highest mountains , allow yourself to enjoy the view …soaking up the beauty and joy to sustain you when you inevitably encounter the next valley.
in conclusion, let yourself “be”. Cry tears of joy and sorrow alike. Live, feel , and soak up life. None of us knows how many days we have-I for one will embrace each precious moment and I hope you will as well!
Cyn
Thank you for your kind words Cyn!
You help evoke my nostalgia for the early days - when everything was so new and yet to be figured out 🙂
I'm so glad you found yourself softening and opening through your journey!
Hugs,
Vanessa
Thanks Cyn, and if you and April hadn't reached out to me years ago, I wouldn't. be here. Thanks for being so open and welcoming. Hugs, Marg
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