Hello my name is Jeff and I’m 30. I recently came to a realization in my life that I might identify as a women but want to seek advise because I am attracted to women and married and don’t want to hurt my wife.
My realization came recently when I decided to shave my entire body. It felt liberating and a little more like who I’m meant to be, I’ve been dressing like a women whenever my wife isn’t home panties, dresses, leggings and ,bras when I do this I feel at home but also repulsed at my current body wishing that I looked how I felt in my wife’s clothing. I have moments of being comfortable with myself but always when I am very busy. I never thought about this until recently but thinking back remember times when I felt this way. Always being the female character in Video games/role playing games as a kid. With that being told, how sure do I need to be or how long do i need to wait before transitioning? am i really trans? When, what, and how do I tell my wife? I want to stay with her, she is my love. What if she hates me or resent me. Thank you for your time responding.
It may seem obvious and not very helpful but only you can really answer most of these questions. As you say you only recently came to the realization and therefore should give yourself time and not put too much pressure on yourself to come to definitive conclusions.
Thank you Marie.
Hi new GF! You are struggling between your desire/need to dress as and emulate a woman. Should you decide that occasionally dressing, using shapewear, breast forms, etc. is enough to allow you to feel more settled and calm, then you would be more a crossdresser, but it's just semantics to me. I have been a closeted CD for over 60 years (more off than on, but I started as a preschooler).
I finally revealed the femme side of me to my wife of 40 years in July 2021. We have managed to stay together, and through dressing more often and therapy I have come to the realization I am a transwoman and started HRT in late November. I never hated my male body, but I was so closed off from everyone for fear they would find out what I hid away, I wasn't really living ir giving my wife and family enough of me.
My wife is one of the exceptions - most SOs that learn about this after a long period together can't handle the loss of trust and end up leaving the marriage. If you do decide to reveal your feelings to your wife, I suggest you have a marriage therapist you trust to help you through it. I also Highly recommend a separate therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria and LGBTQA+ clients.
Telling your wife about this is so tricky. My wife wanted all the details up front and I think I overwhelmed her with how deep I am into it. She was originally empathetic, seeing how broken I was. But that changed to anger and resentment after she had time to dwell on it a bit. She was afraid I wanted to "become a woman" (this was before I found my need to transition), that I wanted her to be like my pictures and be more of a "hottie", or that she wasn't enough woman for me or I wouldn't pursue crossdressing. None of that was true, but with the breach of trust, she couldn't allow herself to believe me.
As I got further into therapy, both my therapists saw that I would never be fully engaged or feel complete so long as I repressed my feminine side. Now my wife has accepted my need to do HRT, but she still is adamant that it's over if I get a vagina. I'm not thinking that for now, but I was honest with her that after being on estrogen for a couple of years, I may have to rethink it.
That's the problem with gender dysphoria, you don't know what all it will take until you get there. I know there are a lot of people here or on the Crossdresser Heaven site that will disagree, but I think crossdressign is part of the gender dysphoria world and CDs are trans people that just haven't started HRT or had surgeries. It doesn't mean most CDs will go further - it just means we all have a spot on the spectrum where we are comfortable. Some underdress, some dress fully, some go out and live as a woman, some transition. There isn't any right or wrong response to our need to bring the womanly feelings out as long as we are honest with ourselves and others.
We can't control what someone will say or do, we can only control what we choose to tell them about ourselves. Your wife may surprise you and be willing to stay alongside the new you, she may not be able to handle it. But from what I learned, I took that option away from my wife by hiding all this from her.
I wish I had a more positive, clearcut response, but this is something each person has to work out with their SO. I do know trying to repress it doesn't work (believe me I nearly drove myself to a breakdown in trying to fight what I knew about myself versus what everyone else expected me to be).
Hugs and kisses,
Brielle 💋
Thank you Brielle. I appreciate your response and advise! I like to dress as a women but it doesn’t feel like enough I’m still uncomfortable in my skin when dressed as a women. I want to see the wider hips, rounder face and breasts I will tell her but want to be sure that I am going to fully commit to being my true self first.
I can definitely relate! I found it helpful to write a "letter" and read it to my wife so I could have coherent thoughts. Good luck and feel freeto private chat with me anytime.
Hello Liviarose,
Welcome to our wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and be yourself.
You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.
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